The 'New' GOP Strategy: Let's Make It Worse! Edition

Phony Anti-Immigrant Distraction Will Come Back to Haunt GOP

MSNBC interviewed Oklahoma State Representative Randy Terrill on Nov. 27th, the Republican behind that state's strict new anti-immigrant laws. The legislation denies jobs, unemployment compensation and other state services to undocumented workers, and has resulted in a marked downturn in local business profits as the immigrants move elsewhere -- one store alone reported losses of $75,000 a week due to Terrill's terrible bill that's driven immigrant workers out of Oklahoma. So what's Randy's answer to all the grief he's created for small businesses in OK? More and tougher anti-immigrant laws, including tossing people out who were born in this country!

Following the CNN/You Tube Republican debate Nov. 28th, the good puppies working for Time Warner Inc. as 'analysts' -- blithely ignoring the extreme improbability that no questions were asked by the public about Iran or health care, and few about the faltering economy -- dutifully peddled the GOP's phony illegal immigrant issue as the 'hot' topic of the coming election. Prediction: Look for this Rovian distraction to explode in the face of the Republican Party like a trick cigar as more of these anti-immigrant laws are passed -- that's the blowback that the GOP never counted on when they unleashed this plague of thinly-disguised racism: all of the money illegal immigrants pump into local economies and, just wait, next the already-strapped border states will be complaining about the loss of tax revenues from the departing immigrants. As the saying goes: watch out what you wish for, you just might get it -- and before the next election.

Oh, and more-fool Randy? He'll soon be seeking honest employment as angry voters turn him out of his soft government job. So far, he only seems qualified to be a ditch digger, if such jobs exist anymore -- he's certainly kept digging at this fetid issue long after a sane person would have stopped.

Big Media Giving Another Pass to Rudy?

Imagine for a moment that Barack Obama, when he was a candidate for the Illinois state senate years ago, had attended a rally of drunken black police officers shouting insults and racial epithets at Chicago's white Mayor Richard M. Daley and, in the heat of the moment, Obama leapt up and, gesticulating wildly, went on an obscenity-laced tirade against Daley, to the cheers of the angry crowd. The local daily newspapers the next day are filled with reports of the incident, one calling it "shameful," and Daley accuses Obama of trying to incite the black cops to riot. Later, when asked by reporters why he did it, Obama refuses to apologize for his outburst, saying only that he tends to get over-emotional when talking about black police officers. Just how would the mainly white media have played that story these days as an indication of Obama's character and fitness to be president? Wouldn't they have questioned his maturity and judgment for making the profane remarks? Wouldn't they have pondered soberly the dire consequences should a President Obama suddenly become 'over-emotional' during a world crisis? Wouldn't they have further taken him to task for supporting a mob of racist police officers? And that's just the MSM -- the right-wing blogosphere and Fox News would have had a field day pummeling Obama.

Yet Newsweek on Nov. 24, 2007, published "Growing Up Giuliani," by Evan Thomas and Suzanne Smalley, and here are the two paragraphs that open the article:Newsweek story:

"On Sept. 16, 1992, the police in New York City held a rally that spun out of control. The cops wanted a new collective-bargaining agreement, and they were angry at Mayor David Dinkins for proposing a civilian review board and for refusing to issue patrolmen 9mm guns. More than a few of them tipsy or drunk, the cops jumped on cars near city hall and blocked traffic near the Brooklyn Bridge. According to some witnesses, they waved placards crudely mocking Mayor Dinkins, the first black mayor of New York, on racial grounds, while at the same time chanting 'Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!' to welcome Rudy Giuliani, the crime-busting former U.S. attorney who had arrived in their midst to shore up his political base.

"It is not clear Giuliani knew exactly what he was getting himself into -- he later denied that he did --but video shows him wildly gesticulating and shouting a profanity-laced diatribe against Dinkins. The next day the New York newspapers were sharply critical of Giuliani (a Daily News editorial called his behavior 'shameful'), and Dinkins, years later, accused him of trying to stir up 'white cops to riot.' At the time, Giuliani refused to back down or apologize for his remarks, saying only: 'I had four uncles who were cops. So maybe I was more emotional than I usually am.' Giuliani's performance that day lost African-American voters, some permanently, but it guaranteed the informal backing of the Patrolmen's Benevolent Association, the policemen's union, which helped him get elected mayor in 1993."

So where are the questions concerning Giuliani's maturity and judgment in the MSM? Where is the sober pondering of the dire consequences of an 'over-emotional' President Giuliani during a world crisis? Where is the outrage over Rudy encouraging a crowd of racist cops?

I'm waiting.

The Larry Craig Saga: The GOP Thing That Won't Go Away

Incredibly, the 'Spud Stud' Now Makes Noises Like He's Going to Stay in the Senate

"He sounded almost as convincing as, 'I did not have sex with that woman.'"
-- Gary Bauer, referring to Larry Craig's speech on August 28th where he denied that he was gay, as quoted by The New York Times, August 29, 2007.

September 4, 2007 -- Potato State Republican Sen. Larry Craig, after supposedly resigning on Sept. 1st, is now giving the public whiplash by implying he might stay in the Senate, based on some mumblings by Sen. Arlen "Magic Bullet" Specter (R-Ding Dong), to the effect that he didn't think Craig should quit his office on a misdemeanor charge.

Do you ever get the feeling that the GOP is as suicidal as a Baghdad car bomber? Let's examine the various problems for the Republicans if Craig decides to 'tough it out' and retain his Senate seat until 2009:

-- If you read the transcript of the interview between arresting officer Sgt. Dave Karsnia and Craig, where 'Wide Stance' tries to pawn off his various bathroom stall motions -- staring into Karsnia's stall in the opening between the door and the frame; playing footsy with the cop; reaching into Karsnia's stall for a piece of toilet paper -- as innocent and misinterpreted by the cop, you'll hear Karsnia's reaction, which boils down to "You're sitting here lying to a police officer." Sure, the right-wing noise machine may try to paint Karsnia as some kind of Dem Gore-lover, but the fact is, he has a picture on his desk of him proudly shaking hands with Dick Cheney when the police sergeant received an officer of the year commendation in 2003. Right-wingers perpetually flap jaw about their love of law enforcement. In this 'he said-he said' encounter, they're either going to have to believe the cop or Craig. If they back Craig, they're saying this officer is either lying or incompetent, and they may hear some grumblings from disgruntled law enforcement groups. Do they really want to go there? Besides, if it was all so innocent, why did he plead guilty, even to a reduced charge?

-- It's only a matter of time before one of Craig's other public restroom romances comes to light. Just as Ted Haggard was outed by male prostitute Mike Jones, the other shoe to drop in this case would be one of the three anonymous men who have admitted to having sex with Craig in men's rooms going public. One is said to be a prominent Republican. A man with a name and a face saying he had sex with Lar in public restrooms would finally sink Craig and indelibly damage what little credibility the GOP has left. Paging Gary Hart!

-- The best gift the GOP could give the Dems would be to let Craig hang in there until 2009, whether he runs for reelection in 2008 or not. Larry's seriously damaged goods and his presence in the Senate will be a reminder of the hypocrisy and sleaziness of the Republican Party. The GOP even risks losing a reliable Red State seat due to Craig's obstinate ego.

Side Note: I have yet to hear the Big Media carp about the GOP being in disarray and the Republican leadership toothless, as they inevitably do when a Democrat does something outrageous and refuses to resign for the good of the party, such as Rep. William Jefferson and his illicit $90,000 freezer bank.

I wonder, after this close-up encounter with GOP hypocrisy and deceit, Sgt. Karsnia will ditch the picture of him and Vice President Shotgun on his desk; I wonder if he'll ever vote Republican again.

Karsnia had it dead right, when he responded to Craig's arrogant attempts at deception by disgustedly remarking, "No wonder why we're going down the tubes."

Indeed, he had met one of the plumbers laying the pipe, so to speak.
==============
As GOP Runs From Larry the Lout, They Now Must Face Their Own 'Stall Tactics'

"No political church, no nobility, no royalty or other fraud, can face ridicule in a fair field and live."
-- Mark Twain

August 31, 2007 -- In a swirl of recent events that started with the advertised evacuation of Turd Blossom Rove from the White House Inner Circle today to spend more time annoying his family, and continued with the wiping of Alberto Gonzales from the Justice Department AG's office, has culminated in self-righteous Idaho prig Sen. Larry Craig flushing what's left of Republican credibility straight -- or not, as the case may be -- down the drain.

His absurd tale of inhuman feats of contortion in a Minneapolis airport restroom -- sticking his foot into another man's stall and desperately pursuing a piece of toilet paper with his hand in the same stall, all the while allegedly heeding the call of nature -- is worthy of the Rose Mary Woods Improbable Physical Achievement Award. Next we'll hear that his Stupid Human Bathroom Tricks were merely rehearsal for his job with a carnival freak show, perhaps the only place that will employ him after he resigns in disgrace from the Senate next week. (Don't feel too bad for Lar -- he'll still get his munificent retirement benefits from his terms in the House and Senate, courtesy of us sucke -- er, taxpayers.)

Incidentally, you remember Woods, Nixon's secretary who took the blame for some of the infamous 18 1/2-minute gap on one of Dick's Watergate tapes, even to the point of re-enacting for the media the awkward Twister position she would have had to maintain for nearly twenty minutes to erase the tape. Just looking at her was enough to induce a hernia. Nobody believed Woods' ludicrous story then; nobody believes Craig's nonsense now.

Added to all of the other putrid effluvium gushing out of the GOP sewer pipe these days, from the broken-float Porcelain God in the White House on down, the Craig cringer comes as the clincher, that golden moment; a point of no return from which, strain as they might, the hilariously hypocritical and routinely deceitful Republicans can't recover -- moving the party from the realm of the simply awful to the awfully ridiculous. As GOP campaign mentato Scott Reed was quoted on Aug. 29th, noting the Craig scandal:

"The real question for Republicans in Washington is how low can you go, because we are approaching a level of ridiculousness. You can't make this stuff up. And the impact this is having on the grass-roots around the country is devastating. Republicans think the governing class in Washington are a bunch of buffoons who have total disregard for the principles of the party, the law of the land and the future of the country."

Indeed, it seems Mr. Reed has blundered into the truth, except the 'level of ridiculousness' has been passed; the Republicans are now in full-bore fright-wig Emmett Kelly mode, their constant stream of excuse and piety sounding like so many horn honks from a clown car to the average schlub and schlubette. Oh, the Big Media (BM) and the Punditocracy still treats the rogue elephant act and its ringmasters with some amount of respect, but out there in the retail seats the overflowing GOP cesspool inspires only rude punchlines or ruddy-faced anger.

If the Comedy King of Crapola and his Devoted Dissemblers can hold office for another 16 months, Pat Robertson can claim a miracle, but it won't be due to any help from the Republicans in Congress, gradually coming to realize that the retiring Rove, with his obsessive appeals to religious cranks for votes and manifest White House incompetence, has left them with a red rubber nose and little else to run on.

More than any other issue, the next election is shaping up to be about the Sleaze Factor, a distinct disadvantage to those who wear an 'R' after their names. Hill-Billery may have her drawbacks, but none of them involve playing footsy in a men's room for sex or coercing underage boys into iniquity. Such subjects give deep pause to the very Values Voters Count Karlo has been assiduously cultivating for the past ten years -- the core of his down-the-tubes strategy for maintaining a permanent GOP majority.

The cantankerous fundamentalist Christians might very well stay home in disgust next election while independent wafflers, not overjoyed with Sen. Clinton or the quivering Dems, but appalled at the staggering stench from the backed-up Republican septic tank, cast their votes against the cynical Party of Public Morality and Private Hypocrisy.

Fred Thompson, that shy political pornographer of the right, has flashed his supporters again that he will finally lose his presidential virginity in early September and officially become a member of the cast of They Were Expendable. Reagan Number Two, dive right in -- and try not to swallow the backwash as you sink into the landslide mud of the malodorous Republican scum who came before you.

"The Christian view that all intercourse outside marriage is immoral was, as we see in ... passages from St. Paul, based upon the view that all sexual intercourse, even within marriage, is regrettable. A view of this sort, which goes against biological facts, can only be regarded by sane people as a morbid aberration. The fact that it is embedded in Christian ethics has made Christianity throughout its whole history a force tending towards mental disorders and unwholesome views of life."
-- Bertrand Russell

"The Christian Right is Neither."
-- Bumper sticker cited by John McCain's Campaign in 2000.

"The phone number of Senator David Vitter (R., La.), an advocate of family
values and of Rudolph Giuliani, was found on the client list of Deborah Jeane Palfrey, who is accused of running a Washington, D.C., area prostitution ring." [...]
"Florida State Representative Bob Allen (R., Merritt Island) was arrested for offering to perform an unspecified sex act on an undercover police officer for $20."
-- Sam Stark, Myth: Republicans value sexual morality

Headlines at a Glance Edition

Who Knows -- They Might Even Be Real Someday

Bush Seeks 'Decision Czar' to Run Executive Branch
"I'm the decider," says president, "and I decided we needed somebody to make the decisions around here."

Rice Asks for 'New Strategy' in Middle East
"But no one should imply that the old one isn't working fine, of course," the Secretary of State tells reporters

New GOP Bill Says Illegal Immigrants Should Be Sold to Highest Bidder
"This is the traditional American way we dealt with unskilled workers who came over here for jobs," says bill co-sponsor Mississippi Sen. Trent Lott, "I think it's time we tried it again."

Cheney: Iran Bought Yellow Cake Uranium from Niger
"We have the proof," claims vice president, "We just received the intelligence documents from Italy."

Phil Leotardo Named New US Ambassador to Iraq
"So he's not real and he's dead," says White House press aide, "He'll fit right in over there."

Bill O'Reilly Wins Nobel Prize in Fiction
"It took them long enough," jokes political pundit as Stockholm committee names "Culture Warrior" for top award

Paris Hilton to Run for L.A. County Sheriff
Celebrity heiress: "This is my first move to show everybody I'm not really dumb."

TV Actor Arrested in Motel Room with Rental Car Navigation System
"This is unnatural, disgusting," says police spokesperson, "Pants down, drooling -- I can't even describe what he was trying to do to it -- he was mumbling something about 'awesome Chinese' when we caught him."

US Senior Found Who Exists Without Prescription Medication
"Not even an aspirin," says Hugo Wayback, 81, "and I'm healthy as a horse."

Hasselhoff Slated for Hip Operation
"Everybody thinks I'm passé, out of it," says actor, "I'll show them."

Super TB Man Hired to Prosecute JFK Plotters
Andrew Speaker claims if there's a case here, he'll find it

Comparing Plastered Paris and the Plastic GOP Edition

Twenty-One Incredible Similarities Between Paris Hilton and the Republican Party:

1. Both are famous for accomplishing nothing.

2. Both have large amounts of unearned income derived from an intimate relationship with the wealthy.

3. Both constantly pose for empty photo-ops.

4. Neither one has a brain cell between them.

5. Both deserve jail time for sheer incompetence and stupidity.

6. Both have exploited pornography for media attention.

7. Both retain a tiny fan base of faithful idiots who believe they can do no wrong.

8. Each causes grief for themselves whenever they 'Rove.'

9. Both try to solve complex problems with simple-minded answers.

10. Both have trouble separating fantasy from reality.

11. Both have a Bush.

12. Both like Dick.

13. Both whine and cry like babies when held accountable for the trouble they bring on themselves.

14. Both rely on cheesy marketing ploys to manipulate the media.

15. Both wish they had some acting talent to salvage their futures.

16. Both are held in contempt by most Americans, sick and tired of their silly antics.

17. Both are vain and self-absorbed, and pretend to be something they're not.

18. Both should never be allowed behind the wheel again.

19. Both are usually drunk on something.

20. Both have a habit of attacking their old friends.

21. Both would look good in orange jumpsuits.

Defining the Neocon Lexicon Edition

Translating the Republican Can-Do Cant to (Nearly) Plain English:

Abu Ghraib: A character from the Gasoline Ali comic strip who specialized in tortured logic. (See also Woo Woo below.)

Bush's Economy: Something that seems good only when dropped into a neocon think tank, or the Wall Street Journal editorial boardroom, and cooked for six years by deaf, dumb and blind economists. The resulting elixir is called champagne by the wealthiest 10 percent, but tastes like low-paid Kool-Aid to everyone else. (See also the Great Depression.)

Bush Intelligence: Cheney telling the CIA what the White House wants them to say. (See Self-Fulfilling Prophecy.)

Christian Right: Two words erroneously applied to a highly vocal religious sect of the Republican Party as they represent neither the philosophy of the former nor the definition of the latter.

Communicate (as in "communicate to the public our beliefs"): To lie unabashedly. (See also the Frank Luntz Dictionary of Political Evasion.)

Compassionate Conservatism: Screwing the citizenry blind, but calling it a "program for the improvement of visual acuity" for the sake of the mass media and the twits who believe them. (See also the Differences Between Grapes and Golf Balls.)

Election: An opportunity in 2008 to test the new 'secret proprietary code' voting software that will work better for the GOP than it did in 2006. (See also the Help America Vote (Republican) Act.)

DeLay: What inevitably results when a GOP politician gets too much of de money and de power.

General: A supporter of Bush's war in Iraq, until he or she retires from the service.

Giuliani Time: A festive period in New York City when minorities are allowed to party with the business end of a police officer's billy club or taser and, in some cases, the lead slug from a service pistol.

Gonzalizing: The ability to complacently tell an unbelievable lie to cover a previous unbelievable lie and smile afterward, even in front of adults.

Goodling: A poorly-educated and naive incompetent who is nevertheless installed in a position of senior governmental power, the better to attract the blame when the proverbial feces slaps up against the electric fan blades. (See Sap, Sucker and Yellowbelly.)

Immigration Reform: Allowing poor illegal Pablo to work for rich Peter cheap and on the sly so that Peter's corporation can make a huge profit, while maintaining a flowing sewer of coded rhetoric to satisfy the party racists. (See Nixon's Southern Strategy.)

Iran: The repository of all human evil and Bush's next war, now that Saddam Hussein is dead and North Korea has the bomb. Like Saddam, they had no connection to 9/11, but that's a distinction worthy only of sissy peaceniks and pinko commies. (See also Making Osama Smile.)

Military Recruiters: Non-commissioned officers who don't bother to set up a table at Young Republican events. (See also Chickenhawk Yolks.)

Rice Pudding: A visit from an American dignitary for the sole purpose of taking a picture while smiling and shaking hands. (See also World's Silliest Publicity Stunts.)

Rove Toast: A slice of stale white bread that has been baked in hubris until it falls apart. (See also Fatal Diseases Caused by Mold and Arrogance.)

Romney: A car that runs on unleaded grassroots or GOP premium, depending on which way the wind is blowing. (See also Forked Tongue Syndrome.)

Serving the People: In the same way a tennis ball is placed across a net. (See also The Twilight Zone's Best Episodes.)

Think Tank: When referring to neocon foundations that dash out lofty-sounding reports to justify idiocy, it means to literally sit there and ponder how best to use a heavily-armed military vehicle to solve every problem, from unrest among foreign civilians to border control. (See also Attila the Hun; Vlad the Impaler.)

Thirty-Second Spot: The byproduct of a cow's digestive system put into a blender, heated in a pot, and served as gravy; all is fine until you take a bite. (See also Optical Illusions.)

USS McCain: An old battleship built with two aft ends and no bow; in action, the props tend to cancel each other out, leaving the ship dead in the water and sinking fast. (See also The Wackiest Ship in the Navy.)

Victory in Iraq: A sand castle built in a neocon's mind, held together by the glue of persistent ignorance or the sugar of insistent greed. (See also the Psychopathology of Losing Gamblers.)

Weekly Standard: The equivalent of 'Fantastic Stories' for the educated neocon. (See also Geek Mythology and Kristol's Pistol.)

Woo Woo: Any neocon with a law degree who attempts to legally justify torture, trespassing, wiretapping, and a host of other criminal acts the current administration seeks to redefine as virtuous for the state, but still illegal for civilians. (See also Torquemada; Henry VIII.)

A Speech Bush Will Never Deliver Edition

Unfortunately, Bush's Swan Song is Only in the Imagination of This Nattering Nabob of Nutty Neoconservatism

The neocon natives are getting restless. Their bungling Texas hero and his trusty sidekick Deadeye Dick are tied to the track and the cavalry isn't on the horizon to save them. (It's bogged down fighting a civil war in Iraq.)

What's left of the Bush Believers -- that hardy little band impenetrably immune to fact or logic -- sense the downfall that's coming next, and they're desperately seeking a fallback position, one where they can claim that Bush would have prevailed in his screwy plans, if not for treasonous DemoRats, lefties, atheists, feminazis, pinkos, commies, Michael Moore, and the New Yawk Times, all of whom wield the levers of power in America, or, at least, that's what they'd like you to believe. Remember, these are the same types of mental giants who continued to insist on Nixon's innocence long after the tapes proving otherwise were made public and he had resigned in disgrace.

In the past six months, Your Intrepid Tattlesnake has received several emails from disheartened neocons, finally facing the reality that their little wax god is melting in the hot lights of his own unbelievable hubris and incredible incompetence.

Their bitter reaction, as evidenced by the email below, advises Bush to 'teach the country a lesson' for abandoning him by quitting because, to them, if you can't succeed you must always do something appallingly dumb as a parting shot to show others how bad things could be without you -- like the good Republican who slashed his own tires so that his wife couldn't go shopping on Sunday only to have to ride the bus to work on Monday and spend $1000.00 for new tires to prevent her from spending $200.00 on new clothes, which she eventually spent anyway. Guess he showed her. (Of course, in this case, Bush would actually be doing the country a favor by resigning, but the neocons don't know that.)

The piece of wincing scrap below, a fantasized speech by George W. Bush no doubt churned out by some so-far-unindicted Bush Goodling in the bowels of the RNC, is chockfull of laugh lines and eye-rollers by itself, but I couldn't resist adding my comments in bracketed italics.

It's concluding threat, that Nancy Pelosi would become president, is particularly risible. To rational people, the threat of a President Pelosi doesn't sound so bad -- how could she possibly do any worse than Ol' Blood & Oil and his greedy Halliburton Veep?

Here's the email in full, author unknown:

The speech George W. Bush SHOULD give:

Normally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans." Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.

[Love it or leave it, Mr. Bush? Take the 28 percent who are still Bush lovers along with you when you go.]

I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit.

[Yay!]

Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: there's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.

[Well, except for incarcerating Americans for years without the right to due process and illegal warrantless wiretapping of US citizens, both contrary to your oath of office to uphold the Constitution; lying to get us into a war, violating international agreements by invading Iraq without UN Security Council permission, exposing a covert CIA agent for political reasons, sanctioning torture in defiance of the Geneva Convention treaty, using the Justice Department for political ends and about a half-dozen other impeachable offenses.]

The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people.

[The feeling, judging by all the major polls, is mutual.]

I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.

[Ha, ha, as if a pumped-up preppy rich kid, a hothouse flower and Yale legacy with a phony Texas accent who's been surrounded by bodyguards for six years, would have any idea of what's really going on in the world. In fact, the majority of us have been doing our homework, which is why you're so unpopular.]

Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton Administration. I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.

[The majority think the economy's in the tank because they've seen their good-paying jobs fly overseas leaving them wearing a blue Wal-Mart vest or flipping burgers for a living, if they even have a job. And if it hasn't happened to them, it's happened to a friend or family member. There are a record number of homeowners, and a record number of foreclosures and bankruptcies as those homeowners are unable to keep their homes, due to the situation described in the first sentence. There may very well be a record number of minority-owned businesses, but there are also a record number of small businesses going under. The official federal employment rate is culled from the number of people collecting unemployment benefits; the rate is low simply because many have run out of benefits, not necessarily because they found jobs.]

Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.

[While your pals in the stock market are getting richer, thanks both to the market temporarily rising from job cuts and GOP tax breaks for the wealthy, the rest of us 'whiners' out here are getting hit with the highest gas prices of all time, courtesy of your friends in the oil industry, who are earning record profits. Already other prices -- such as for food, clothing, etc. -- are rising as a result of the devaluation of the dollar and the high oil cost. Soon we'll be paying six bucks a gallon for regular, and it's not because of 'noisy idiots' who want to preserve polar bears and beaches, they don't set the price per gallon: it's because of your campaign contributors in the energy industry gouging us for all we're worth.]

We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this "blood for oil" thing. If I was trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell.

[That's precisely what you did.]

And don't give me this 'Bush Lied People Died' crap either. If I was the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.'

[You tried and failed at that, too.]

Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty. Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me.

[That's true: your intelligence is faulty; has been your entire life. The rest of the world may have thought Saddam Hussein had some kind of bio-chemical weaponry (no nukes, though), but, except for you, your poodle Tony Blair, and a few small countries you bribed with our tax dollars, none of them thought the threat was serious enough to warrant an invasion of Iraq.]

Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named 'Clinton' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?

[Let me remind you that Clinton wasn't foolish enough to invade Iraq; in fact, he turned down a request in 1998 by Don Rumsfeld's Project for a New American Century to do just that. And you were the one, with Rummy and Dick, who cooked up the new Iraq War plan even before 9/11. It's pathetic and weak how you always try to blame all of your failures on Clinton. Can't you take responsibility for anything -- even the dumb wars you start?]

You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to outspend and out-tech them.

[We spend more than every other nation on earth for defense, and yet we can't find terrorists who live in caves and hijack airliners because they don't have an air force. This is what's making you shudder in fear? Coward. Maybe we need better police work, a better president and less of the Pentagon -- a howitzer isn't the most effective way to get rid of gnats, you idiot. And, by the way, when are you going to declare your 'War on Stairs'? After all, stair-related accidents cause more death and injury in this country than terrorist attacks.]

That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you. And the bastards are all over the globe.

[And your belligerent policies are creating more of them every day. Unfortunately, they can't get to you, so they kill us. Why don't you, Cheney and Rumsfeld make a sacrifice for the nation and do this: Offer to the terrorists that you'll surrender to the International Court in The Hague to be tried for war crimes and we'll pull all of our armed forces out of the Middle East; in return, they vow to stop trying to kill Americans. If anyone attacks Israel, we'll go after them, but otherwise we'll let the nations there work out their own problems without our help and our blood. We'll pay whatever price they charge for oil while we convert our country to a sustainable energy source that doesn't enrich Saudi despots and keep them in power. The money saved from our leaving Iraq and other military installations in the Middle East would be enough to cover this conversion and the increased price of oil. Meanwhile, the US taxpayer will pop for the best lawyers we can find to defend you, Dick and Rummy at your trials. I think that's a pretty generous offer, considering that your administration has wasted so much of our military and our tax money, and ruined our standing in the world.]

You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that.

[No one has any idea because you've classified everything, only leaking that which makes you look good. Sorry, but your self-serving word isn't good enough.]

When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor'.

[That's an outright lie. In fact, we were told that Iraq would be a cakewalk; you even declared major combat operations in Iraq over on May 1, 2003. Apparently you don't recall that silly 'Mission Accomplished' PR stunt on the aircraft carrier -- you know, the one where you wore a flight suit and forgot to disconnect one of the straps so that it dug into your groin as you walked.]

Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.

[We defeated Nazi Germany and the Japanese Empire in less time than it's taken to pacify Iraq and Afghanistan, and we still haven't pacified Iraq or Afghanistan. Now, would that be due to the disastrous incompetence of the Commander in Chief? So far, every corner you've said has been turned has led up a blind alley and every prediction you've made about Iraq has been dead wrong. In the short lens of history, Al-Qaeda has prospered and Osama has gained influence while increasing numbers of the billion Muslims in the world hate us. With that track record, why should we trust your notion of what the 'long lens of history' will show? You can't even get the short term right.]

Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dammit, you might just as well Fed Ex a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.

[Oh, brother, are you full of crap. Glad you're not politicizing the war on terror.]

In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter.

[That's right, Mr. President, it's all over 'the Internets': read Think Progress, Common Dreams, Buzzflash.com, Truthdig, Make Them Accountable, Bartcop, Disinfotainment Today, The Daily Kos, FAIR, Media Matters, and others to get the truth. Use 'the Google' to find their URLs.]

Most of you would rather watch American Idol.

[Most of us would rather not worship as an American idol a hapless and inept president who always tries to avoid responsibility for the disasters he causes, especially one who was originally installed in office by the Supreme Court rather than the votes of the majority of Americans.]

I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.

[Apparently your head of Homeland Security was just as stupid. Michael Chertoff, and others, testified that he didn't know how bad things were in New Orleans until he read the paper after the hurricane hit. Mike "Heck of a job" Brown, your director of FEMA, wasn't prepared for the emergency either. The Army Corps of Engineers also assured the state that the levees they built would hold back the waters of Lake Ponchartrain in the event that a hurricane raised water levels. You yourself were warned (it's on video tape) before Katrina of the possibility of a hurricane ravaging New Orleans but you couldn't be bothered to take any action, just as you didn't do anything when you were warned by the CIA in a presidential daily briefing on August 6, 2001 that Osama bin Laden was determined to strike inside the United States. After all, in both cases you were on vacation in Crawford at the time.]

I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from.

[Thanks for that, President Pickpocket. You head up the largest, most expensive government in our history, and you're constantly adding new layers to the bureaucracy -- now you want a 'War Czar.' That used to be the president before you came along and decided the buck shouldn't stop with you.]

I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.

[Please don't try -- listening to you talk about anything these days is painful for most Americans.]

So, I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient.

['Fully self-sufficient' as long as Daddy and his friends are standing by, and there's plenty of cheap domestic help to be had, and there will be, thanks to your rotten economy.]

No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again.

[Thank God! The place is a hellhole where the temperatures during the summer soar over 100F; only an idiot would take a vacation in August in Crawford, Texas.]

Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.

[Before you can pull them down.]

Oh, by the way, Cheney's quitting, too.

[Double yay! Break out the champagne!]

That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it.

[How could she possibly be any worse?]

Watch what she does carefully because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.

[If by 'turn this thing around' you mean making it better by reversing your ignorant policies, then 'bring it on.']

So that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I mean.

[Yes we do, and it's frightening, unless you believe America should be a theocracy.]

The rest of you, Fuck off.

[The last two words of that sentence sum up your entire occupancy of the White House. It's just a shame we'll be paying a half-million a year to support you for the rest of your life after you quit, just as we paid for that disgraced crook Nixon to live in leisure.]

Rev. Falwell's Visit to Heaven Edition

A Short One-Act Play Featuring God, Jesus and Dick Nixon

(It is much as he thought it would be. The Rev. Jerry Falwell, shucking off the corruption and wretchedness of the flesh, flies through puffy white clouds, heading toward a pinpoint of light in the distance. As the pinpoint gets bigger, Jerry sees it is an enormous Eveready flashlight, the shiny silver six-battery Urban Enforcer model, held by an elderly black man with a long white beard in a terrycloth bathrobe. "We've been waiting for you," he says, as he leads Jerry through yet more clouds to a large golden door. "Go on in and make yourself comfortable," mutters the elderly man, opening the huge door. Inside there is a golden throne, the biggest he's ever seen, and sitting upon the throne is the Almighty God of the Universe. Twenty feet below the front of the throne is a plain wooden chair. Jerry sits down in the chair and stares up at God, his mouth agape.)

GOD: "You look surprised, Jerry."

FALWELL: "Well, ah, uh, Lord, you're not what I expected."

GOD: "Oh, really. How is that?"

FALWELL: "Well, ha, ha, I mean you're, ah...black, uh... and a woman... and, uh, you sound like Moms Mabley."

GOD: "That's right, Jerry. You got a problem with that?"

FALWELL: "Oh, no, no, no -- not at all, Lord..."

GOD: "Now Jesus here tells me that we have a little accountin' problem with y'all."

(Jesus emerges from behind a cloud, a tall man in a flowing white robe who strongly resembles Paul Robeson.)

FALWELL: "Jesus H. -- uh, I mean, Jesus -- you're black, too?!"

JESUS: "As you taught, Jerry, humanity was created in God's image, and the first real human beings were black folks in central Africa. If you'd studied science, you'd know that."

GOD: "Jesus, what do your calculations say Jerry owes us?"

JESUS: "Well, Mama, I figure in his lifetime Jerry collected about $1.5 billion in our names and he hasn't paid a cent to us."

GOD: "Whoa, another deadbeat. Okay, Jerry, pay up the $1.5 billion you owe and you can enter heaven."

FALWELL: "What -- I can't believe this! You use money in heaven?!"

GOD: "In heaven as it is on earth, Jer. And don't get cute with God -- you pay that money in good old U.S. currency."

FALWELL: "But I'm dead! I don't have any money!"

GOD: "You don't have any money? You collect $1.5 billion in the name of God and Jesus and YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY FOR US?!?!"

JESUS: "See, Jerry, the way it works up here is that whatever was the most important thing to you in life is what you must pay to get into heaven. Now, on the contrary, if you had renounced wealth and dedicated yourself to something altruistic like helping the poor or peace on earth, you would get a free pass into heaven. You really should have read the Bible more closely; I talked about this at length."

FALWELL: "I'd be glad to give you your money, but I don't have any in this these circumstances!"

GOD: "Hmmm, guess you shoulda thought of that while you were alive. What say, Jesus -- thumbs down?"

JESUS: "Oh, you know it, Mom."

GOD: "Sorry, Jerry, you don't have no money, you can go straight to hell."

JESUS: "Good for the company, I hear."

GOD: "Dick, we got another one for you."

(At that, Richard Nixon, his skin a bright red and sporting horns and a long forked tail, steps from behind a cloud, chuckling deeply.)

NIXON: "Come with me, Jer."

FALWELL: "This is crazy! I can't believe you're sending me to live in hell just because I don't have any money!"

GOD: "Just like on earth, Jerry."

NIXON: "Don't worry, Jer, hell's not so bad if you ever get used to the climate and the toxic smell, and you'll be surrounded by all your friends."

FALWELL: "But, but -- I dedicated my entire adult life to the glory of God and bringing Jesus' message of hope and salvation to the people! This just ISN'T FAIR!"

GOD: "Jesus, look who cares about being fair all of a sudden. Take him away, Dick."

FALWELL: "You can't do this to me -- I'm BORN AGAIN!"

NIXON: "Huh, huh, huh -- good one, Jer, but save your A material until we get downstairs."

(End)

The Dem Debates Edition

First Impression Surgical Strike on the Dem Debates of April 26th.

In Alphabetical Order:

Joe Biden
How'd He Do? Better than expected, but that's like saying that leaky tire with the nail stuck in it held on for one more day. He got the biggest laugh of the night for replying to a question from Big Brain Williams asking if he would refrain from his usual gaffe-prone verbosity as president with the one word answer "Yes," but there's another question that hangs over his head like a perpetual thought balloon: "Why Am I Running?" Yep, maybe it's just sheer vanity and his last chance -- the man loves the spotlight -- and maybe he's positioning himself as an attractive Veep pick for, say, a woman or black man who might want to 'balance' the ticket with a graying white male turd, but there are plenty of those around from states with more Electoral College heft, so it isn't going to be Delaware's own Sen. Biden.

His Biggest Problem: He has a few good ideas that he picked up from liberal bloggers four years ago, but he has no constituency. Ask around for yourself: Find any Biden lovers out there? Neither anti-war nor moderate Dem primary voters think he's anything more than an affable DC gas bag, and there was a comic C-SPAN turn in Iowa recently when Non-Smoking Joe was stumbling around a restaurant pestering the lunchtime crowd with his happy-ass dithering and attempts at groping; it was plain that most of the people were thinking "Who the fuck is this idiot?" as Biden debased himself for fleeting handshakes, while diners stared at him as if he had an open fly with a "BANG!" flag hanging out of it. In the Q&A session, there was a long minute of embarrassing silence as no one had a thing to ask Mr. Nobody Who's Not Getting Elected to Anything until Othar the Blind started asking himself questions. Staring into my Kriswell Kristal Kube, I predict he will be the first one to quit the race, sometime this summer.

Hillary Clinton
How'd She Do? She didn't do herself any harm; she didn't do herself any good. One point: She's still using the wrong end of the thermometer on the health care issue; this time around she's not going to make the same mistakes she made 14 years ago, but then she went on to say she was -- she's going to negotiate with Big Pharma and Big Healtho so that they get their cut of the deal. Hillary didn't learn from the first time that you can't invite the fox (or Fox, if you prefer) in to make rules for the hens. Until she realizes that, all of her health care plans are a sick joke that won't solve the problem.

Her Biggest Problem: Forget the Clintonian calculation or triangulation slaps -- that bloat is common to all politicians -- what's really jarring about Hillary, and something she can't cure, is her disgruntled Midwestern school marm mien. She's Donna Reed if George Bailey had never been born. There's just a dripping sourness in her voice, combined with the dull edge of a disappointed razor blade, poised in mid-air above an unslit wrist -- "God! Bill had all the fun!" -- and the frowny "you got another D this report card, buster" downturned mouth. Subconsciously, I think most voters are put off by this, slightly afraid of her calling their parents if they get out of line. And this is not a gender-based estimation: John Anderson, who ran for president in 1980, had the same pinched mug of a disillusioned academic who had just finished explaining in detail the science supporting the theory of evolution to a class at Messiah College. Another frustrated pol with an itchy trigger finger for that snub-nose nestled in the bottom desk drawer at home. One bullet in the temple and all these bleating morons go away forever. Not that she's actually suicidal, but that's the downbeat persona Hillary brings to the table and why she's losing ground. Americans want their War President's optimistic and cheery when they order the bombing of innocent foreigners, not someone who looks like she's attending the funeral before she's been elected. She has the bankroll to stick it out to the bitter end, and she will, but the bloom is off this former member of the Rose Law firm and the petals are withering.

Christopher Dodd
How'd He Do? He -- ahem -- 'Doddered.' The Senator is a caterpillar-eyebrowed New Englander one home sale away from a Century 21 blazer, or maybe playing the Gorton's fisherman -- "Avast! These fish sticks are mighty tasty! Yarrr!" -- apparently only in politics because it's the family business. He doesn't disagree with Ms. Hillary or the Big O in any substantial way, so one can only assume his candidacy is a set-up for a Veep nod. It's not that he's bad, he's just forgettable as hell. If you went to a movie with Chris, don't go out for popcorn because you'll never find him again. Chances for the No. 2 slot? Hey, Connecticut's already a Blue State.

His Biggest Problem: Like Biden, he has no constituency. His positions are all safe, solid, well-reasoned and...oh, I'm sorry, did I nod off? Sorry, Chris, back to the whale boat -- the presidential yacht is not for you, not even the Veep's dinghy. Out by next fall, following hard on Biden's retreating footsteps.

John Edwards
How'd He Do? Worse than expected. For a 'Trial Lawyer' who's had a few years to prepare, you'd think he'd have some ready answers, yet he hesitated at times, and not in the studious way that might impress an audience that he's seriously considering the question. Nope, it seemed Johnny saw the headlights and froze. When asked about a moral leader who had inspired him, Kerry's Veep Sacrifice swallowed hard and the clock ticked until he came up with "Well, the Lord, who I pray to every day..." Pray for some poise and a new speechwriter, knucklehead.

His Biggest Problem: Handsome? Check. Personable? Check. Good with crowds? Check. On the right side of the issues? Check. Good bio? Check. Articulate? Usually. So why can't he get more signatures on the bottom line? Here's why: too much 'Southern Honey.' That Dixie Charm can be a mighty potent force in politics -- as we've seen with Clinton and even fake Texan Bush -- but it works against Edwards, probably because of his clean-cut Hollywood features. John F. Kennedy had this problem early on in his bid for the presidency; Nixon-friendly stooges tried to cast him as an empty-headed 'pretty boy' too vain and vacuous to be the Chief Executive. JFK struck back with his PT-109 war-hero record and won the day. JE has no combat medals to dull the Breck Girl shine, and he's stuck in a third-place rut. Ironically, in a race that contains a flaxen-haired woman, he's been designated the 'Dumb Blonde.' While Hillary may be blonde, she's no dummy, and neither is Edwards. But the Mighty Rightie Wurlitzer of Sleaze is tuning up to key the former senator as a wishy-washy lightweight without the 'right stuff' to be CinC. [The Jay Leno jokes have already commenced.] If Johnny doesn't grow some metaphorical chest hair soon and start landing some punches, the neoconnery are going to succeed in, as the phrase goes, 'emasculating' him. Wouldn't hurt to loosen up and show a sense of humor, either, Mr. E.
Incidental Note: You're paying $400 for that haircut? Hint: save your money; you can get the same thing at BoRics for twenty-five bucks with tip.

Mike Gravel
How'd He Do? Much better than expected. Although his words sometimes needed a little interpretation -- "Who are we afraid of?!?" -- you couldn't beat the old coot for speaking straight and clear. A shame it couldn't be arranged for Biden, Edwards, Dodd, and Richardson to get stuck in an elevator for an hour at the next debate and free Alaska Pike Mike and Denny the K to toss roundhouse rights at Hillary and Obama. Now THAT would be a debate worth watching!

His Biggest Problem: He's Cranky Grandpa at every family function, half crocked on Jim Beam, telling the kiddies, "Don't listen to your Dad -- he never knows what the hell he's talking about!" and then asking pre-teen Bud to pour him fresh one. "Dad," Mom's pained voice rings out from the kitchen, "For God's sake, don't make the kids get you a drink!" "Har, har, it'll make a man of him -- or a good bartender, the little shit! Har, har, har!" Yes, Gravel is that guy, right down to his baggy suspicious-of-all-the-crap eyes and the thumb on his nose waving at all the humbuggery and tomfoolery. Mike's about one hip surgery away from the I Don't Give A Fuck Anymore nursing home and he doesn't have any illusions regarding his chances of getting elected. He's in it for some fun and to go out in a blaze of crusty rhetorical glory as the overloaded handbasket nears the eternal depths, "I told them all at that goddamned debate what needed to be done but did they listen? NO! The hell with them! When's lunch at this goddamned joint?" God bless him; keep sluggin', Mike.

Dennis Kucinich
How'd He Do? You have to love a man who carries a bound pocket copy of the Constitution on him and can quote from it. Between him and Gravel, these are the only two candidates who deserve to be in this race. He isn't just echoing Hillary or pulling on Barack's sleeve. Kucinich actually has some bold new ideas -- like universal single-payer health coverage that cuts out the HMO-Big Pharma Corpocracy, impeaching Cheney and withdrawing from Iraq -- that diverge from the two Dem front-runners. Maybe he can't win, but I hope he stays in it all the way, if nothing else than to keep the Big Guns honest and give the public a glance at a real progressive.

His Biggest Problem: He has a tendency to go a little too 'folksy.' In last night's debate he went on about buying a house for $22.5 thou years ago to prove he was a member of the middle-class, and it overshadowed the important point he was making. Also, he should stop singing during speeches. He may not be 'electable' in 2008, but fifteen years from now all of the solutions Denny the K is talking about -- the things that are casually dismissed by the cynical know-it-all punditry -- will be the law of the land or else we'll be a dictatorship with a gutted third-world economy.
By the by, call me sexist but -- Mine Gott what a gorgeous wife he has! Talk about statuesque! She's enough to tempt any elfish monk to quit the monastery and devote himself to a life of idle lust. Unfortunately, she married Dennis, who's married to politics. Still, I hope he doesn't give himself a heart attack trying to service both loves in his life. Big applause for one of the few members of Congress who shows up to do his job.

Barack Obama
How'd He Do? The Black Knight of Progressivism put on a serviceable, solid performance, no loss, no gain. He exhibited the calm gravitas of a leader, and the grown-up ability, which we've almost forgotten from six years of the Immature Mental Midget of Midland, to think in 'nuance' and consider different aspects of a problem before arriving at a decision. Idiot Republicans consider this a sign of weakness and vacillation but, then, look at the shape we're in from their 'Decider's' quick gut solutions. It's too bad Keith Olbermann didn't have a sock handy to stuff into post-debate coverage colleague Chris Matthews' mouth when he repeated for the sixth time that Obama was 'sophisticated.' (Somebody buy the Screamer a thesaurus, for cripes sake.) Analysis by Big Brain Williams, Andrea "Mrs. Greenspan" Mitchell and Tucker "Rhymes With..." Carlson were all good excuses to visit the bathroom or cop a snack. Actually -- and I'm going to hate myself for saying this -- Joe Scarborough made the most sense of all of them except Keith.

His Biggest Problem: The hubris of the front-runner, although he has yet to officially achieve that status. In less than six months this political ICBM has closed a thirty point-plus gap with Hillary and is now within striking distance of taking the lead. He's also on par in money with Sen. Clinton and everything's going his way while she's fading. This is where smart campaign managers tend to tighten their sphincters and advise their candidates to play it safe and coast. That's also the end of the line for many candidates as people get tired of hearing strained-through-focus-groups opinions and the same retread speeches, especially in this volatile election year. Obama can nail it all, if he can maintain his integrity and his wits that have attracted voters of every color and ethnicity to his bandwagon, against the odds. We need a new FDR and Obama could evolve into that, but not by treading water in the shallow end of the pool. The GOP is on the run; if he stays strong and keeps on the hunt, Obama will bring about a landslide in November of 2008 and a turn to populist progressivism that hasn't been seen since 1944's Economic Bill of Rights. The country's ripe for it and Obama could be its standard-bearer.

Bill Richardson
How'd He Do? He looked like he was drunk. (Listen, this isn't to condemn the man: even The Tattlesnake needs a few pops sometimes before appearing in front of large crowds.) Still and all, it's probably not a good idea to show up at a presidential debate with a pint of Who-Hit-John in your raincoat and your back teeth floating. Bill made a few good points, but I was waiting for him to start projectile vomiting any second. ("Sorry, Brian, I guess it was something I -- hey, look, a kitty!") In the post-debate interview on MSNBC, he seemed to be having trouble getting his mouth to move in synch with his fuzzy tongue as a jazz band wailed in the background.

His Biggest Problem: Governor, as one tippler to another, I salute you, but I don't think Norman Rockwell's America is ready for Egbert Souse as president yet. (A tragedy.) Although having a president who could drink Harding under the table is an attractive idea, especially after six years of an alleged Born Again Teetotaler, the media would pounce all over you the first time you passed out drunk on the White House lawn, the Self-Righteous Bluenosed Yuppies. Seriously, there's nothing wrong with Richardson, except he labors in Dodd's shadow. And, Bill, don't go thinking anyone's going to dangle that Veep keychain before your bloodshot eyes either. Nada for you. Kriswell says...out by fall.

The Virginia Tech Killer: Who Does It Sound Like? Edition

"It would be a gross deception to admit power intoxication only for the individual psyche. The mass also is guided by this goal and the effect of this is the more devastating as in the mass psyche the feeling of personal responsibility is essentially reduced."
-- Alfred Adler, "The Psychology of Power," 1928.

"The close relationship between politics and power has always been recognized. In the world of politics, Lassalles' expression still has currency: 'Constitutional struggles are struggles for power.' ..... Masaryk's expression, 'There will be no peace in the world as long as individual ethics do not also apply to the state,' is as much a criticism of the present as a challenge for the future."
-- Alexander Mueller, "The Principles of Individual Psychology."

April 19, 2007 -- On MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Olbermann last night, the subject, as it has been on most of the cable news shows recently, was once again the Virginia Tech killer, Cho Seung-Hui.

Keith's been better at plowing this gutted field for new information than most of the news media, but what caught my attention were the words and phrases uttered by his guest experts.

Former FBI profiler Gregg McCrary described Cho Seung-Hui as full of "paranoid delusions," addicted to his own "grandiosity,"and someone who wanted to gain "power through violence."

Later in the show Keith welcomed Dr. Susan Lipkins, a psychologist, who gave her professional perspective on the crazed murderer, depicting him as "operating outside of reality" and exhibiting "extreme behavior" as a result. She added that, typically, psychotic killers "think that they are god" at which time they should be "removed from society" when they are "found to be incompetent."

This morning Melissa Segrest had an article up at MSN, "Getting Inside the Mind of a Killer." She also consulted experts who rendered their opinions on the Virginia Tech maniac.

Dr. James Alan Fox, a professor of criminal justice at Boston's Northeastern University who has spent 25 years studying mass murderers, said, "Typically you have someone who has a long history of frustration and failure..." and "They have a diminished capacity to cope with disappointment." He added, "they are people who blame others for those failures, they externalize blame, they never see themselves as responsible, ... and they're angry, they're full of blame and resentment."

Dr. Robert R. Butterworth, a Los Angeles psychologist who works with violent criminals and heads International Trauma Associates, told Segrest, "A lot of times these people are somewhat aloof from people. They're very sensitive to slights," and summed up, "They're not friendly, they're usually socially inept, they have problems a lot of times with females and sometimes they have a fascination with guns."

Dr. Stanton Samenow, a clinical psychologist who has been has been studying killers since 1970 and wrote the book "Inside the Criminal Mind," added, "These men interpret any affront or adversity very personally. It threatens their very sense of who they are. They think in extremes... They are constantly angry at a world that, from their perspective, does not give them what they are due."

Samenow also said, "These are people who know right from wrong. They also know the potential consequences to themselves if they are caught .... When they commit the crime, they are certain about their course of action. They are deliberate and purposeful. They may have planned the crime well in advance. At the time they commit the crime, they are calm -- having shut off all fear."

Dr. Butterworth put in, "We're developing a narcissistic, angry culture that, when crossed, are prone to attack."

And Dr. Fox concluded, "We've become much more of a competitive society. We admire the winners and we pity the losers. We have no tolerance for them. We ridicule them and vote them off the island." Later, he said, "The more people they kill, the greater the level of satisfaction they feel and derive from the crime."

Read through these quotes and what picture emerges -- who does it sound like?

"[P]aranoid delusions," "grandiosity" gaining "power through violence."
"operating outside of reality" "extreme behavior" "think that they are god."

Just look at the history of the Bush Administration; paranoid delusions about the power of Al-Qaeda and other terrorist organizations; obvious grandiosity and god-like thinking in Bush believing he was installed as president by the Creator of the Universe; gaining power through violence is in progress in the Middle East, if not in this country; some might consider invading another country on false pretenses and killing innocent civilians was extreme behavior; and operating outside of reality is the modus operandi of the Bushies and their neocon supporters.

"[They have] a long history of frustration and failure...They have a diminished capacity to cope with disappointment. [T]hey are people who blame others for those failures, they externalize blame, they never see themselves as responsible, ... and they're angry, they're full of blame and resentment."

The Bush neocon 'experiment' has been one long trail of frustration and failure, and the Bush neocons pathologically evade responsibility and blame others for their failures. The media neocons -- O'Reilly, Hannity, Boortz, et al -- are hair-triggers seething with anger, blame and resentment and appeal to an audience similarly ill-disposed.

"These men interpret any affront or adversity very personally. It threatens their very sense of who they are. They think in extremes ... They are constantly angry at a world that, from their perspective, does not give them what they are due."

Both the neocons and the Bushies are prime examples of this: political disagreements are always personal, and they can't deal with adversity maturely. Every slight or failure is a challenge to their manhood. Thinking in extremes and angry at the world? Read Ann Coulter, Anti-Idiotarian Rottweilers, Little Green Footballs, Charles Krauthammer or listen to Michael Savage, Glenn Beck, Neal Boortz or Rush Limbaugh.

"These are people who know right from wrong. They also know the potential consequences to themselves if they are caught.... When they commit the crime, they are certain about their course of action. They are deliberate and purposeful. They may have planned the crime well in advance."

Isn't this a pretty good description of the Bush Administration? From using false intelligence to invade Iraq, to leaking Valerie Plame's name, to Alberto Gonzales' blatant lies, to the current fiasco over Rove's emails, ad nauseum, they knew what they were doing was wrong, but were deliberate and purposeful in their planning to accomplish their treacherous and illegal goals.

"They're very sensitive to slights,...They're not friendly, they're usually socially inept, they have problems a lot of times with females and sometimes they have a fascination with guns."

Check out who advertises on neocon websites, and the fascination with guns, general unfriendliness, problems with females and social ineptitude should be clear. Sensitivity to slights -- have you ever known anyone as thin-skinned as a neocon?

"We're developing a narcissistic, angry culture that, when crossed, are prone to attack."

Read the neocon blogs -- it doesn't get more angry, narcissistic and prone to attack than that.

"We've become much more of a competitive society. We admire the winners and we pity the losers. We have no tolerance for them. We ridicule them and vote them off the island. ... The more people they kill, the greater the level of satisfaction they feel and derive from the crime."

The entire greedy, demented consumer culture, the one advertised and promoted every day by the six big US media conglomerates and global corporations, and wallowed in by the Bush neocons, has no tolerance or pity for losers. "The good calls are for winners." Losers -- usually defined as minorities, Democrats, women and liberals -- are mercilessly derided by right-wing sites, who, steeped in their fervid delusions and contrary to harsh reality, think they are winners with all the answers. They don't realize the only winners are the corporations and their political and media shills making a buck off them and conning them for votes. At some point, they will have a rude awakening as they are 'voted off the island' by those they idolized when they lose their job, their pension or their house. (It's happening every day.) Then, they might be enlightened by reality but, more likely, they'll just crawl further back in the cave, alternately bellowing and whimpering. And, yes, they do seem to derive great satisfaction from the deaths of those they've deemed the enemy -- Iraqi insurgents, Afghanis, Muslims in general, Spanish-speaking immigrants, poor blacks and, of course, the Devil's minions who are the fount of all the world's problems, liberals and Democrats.

They should be "removed from society [when they are] "found to be incompetent."

I don't think this government's monumental incompetence is even an issue for reasonable debate any longer. In the case of the Bushies, impeachment is the obvious answer to remove them from doing further harm. In the case of the neocons, they have, and should have, freedom of speech, so they can say or write whatever they want, but I'd keep them away from the Glock 9mm's just in case.

Most of them are only courageous when hiding behind a screen name or a microphone -- hence the paltry number of neocon frothers who've signed up to fight in Bush's Global War on Terror -- but you never know when one of them might take some Viagra and go off half-cocked.

"To prevail through violence appears to many as an obvious thought. And we admit: the simplest way to attain everything that is good and promises happiness, or even only what is in the line of a continuous evolution seems to be by means of power. But where in the life of men or in the history of mankind has such an attempt ever succeeded? As far as we can see, even the use of mild violence awakens opposition everywhere, even where the welfare of the subjugated is obviously intended."
-- Alfred Adler, "The Psychology of Power," 1928.

The America We Used to Know

Great work by John Sherffius. Presented without further comment.

The America We Used to Know

The America that was a model of justice in the world, not tyranny.
The America that championed human rights, not violated them.
The America that opposed torture, not the one that practices it.
The America that didn't engage in preemptive warfare.
The America that didn't spy on its own citizens.
The America that respected the Geneva Conventions.
The America that respected its own Constitution.

The America whose leaders didn't prey on fear.

It has been 5 years since September 11th -- has anyone seen that America?

We miss you so much.
-- From a cartoon by John Sherffius of the Boulder Daily Camera. Posted by Colleen, April 16, 2007 at Common Dreams.org.

CBS Firing Imus Signals the End of the Neocon Shock Radio Era

"CBS fires Don Imus from radio show"
-- AP headline, April 12, 2007.

"You ain't no racist, Mister Imus, nah suh. No, thank you, I don't want no watermelon!"
-- Bernard McGuirk, Don Imus' producer, using an 'Amos 'n' Andy' voice to a laughing Imus on his radio show, as quoted by Newsweek.

"An entertainer like Imus can trace his lineage to Bruce, with one crucial distinction: Lenny made fun of the powerful and their orthodoxies. You won't find Imus mocking WASPs on a regular basis. Instead, this rude dude focuses on groups whose status is still contested, such as blacks, immigrants, and gays."
-- Richard Goldstein, "Celebrity Bigots," The Village Voice, July 18, 2000.

"There are 100 people in this country right now that can solve hate television. They are the CEO of Procter & Gamble, the CEO of General Motors. These people control all the advertising dollars and they spoke... These CEOs can spend the money in places that don't promote hate."
-- Donnie Deutsch, the host of CNBC's "The Big Idea," quoted by Mike Celizic at TODAYshow.com, April 12, 2007.

Things Change

April 13, 2007 -- Rush Limbaugh senses it coming, telling his listeners yesterday that he's next, and the other Rush wannabe radio bile spillers of the right may be dimly aware of it, but Don Imus' firing by CBS Radio, removing him from the air nationwide, augurs the end of their run of nasty spittle-flecked bigotry disguised as 'humor'; a vicious humor designed to appeal to their core audience of Angry White Men who blame minorities and women because they're losers, ignorant boys cowering in adult bodies, whispering racists, snickering water-cooler-wit a-holes, and mutant teenagers who thought the Garbage Pail Kids were brilliant comedy.

It won't happen overnight, as major societal changes rarely do, but gradually advertisers will begin pulling ads from Limbaugh and his clones, realizing that the country has shifted away from the mean-spirited neocon tripe they've successfully peddled for over two decades and is heading in a new direction.

Most media analysts will credit Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson with bringing Imus down; they'll focus on the "nappy-headed ho's" remark as the centerpiece of his downfall; all of it was certainly a factor but, if Imus were as popular as he was even a decade ago, his critics would have been ridiculed into silence or ignored. What I see happening now was expressed by Newsweek's Howard Fineman on the Imus show April 9th. He told the 'I-man': "[T]hings have changed. And the kind of -- some of the kind of humor that you used to do you can't do anymore. And that's just the way it is."

Here's 'the way it is' these days: The country is becoming aware that "nappy-headed ho's" are not the problem; the problem is the smooth-haired caucasian variety who infest the halls of power in Washington and the broadcast booths in New York.

While Imus may claim he's not a racist, a long trail of reprehensible remarks argues that he wears a white sheet in private. He or his 'crew' -- especially his execrable producer Bernard McGuirk -- have habitually referred to black people as "bugaloos," "brilloheads," "dark meat," "dingos," and "mandingos." He's called Sammy Davis Jr. a "a one-eyed lawn jockey," and regularly referred to Aretha Franklin and other black women as "ho's." Terms for other minorities like "raghead," "camel jockey," "gook," "zipperhead," "banana picker," and "our urine-colored brothers" have been uttered with sneering gusto on the Imus airwaves, as well as his bashing of gays with such tried-and-true nuggets as "homo," "fag," "faggot," "fag-queen," "queer," and "load-swallower." All in good fun, of course, Imus assures us -- as long as you're not black, Hispanic, Asian, Muslim, Arab, gay or female.

Several years ago, Imus even promised columnist Clarence Page, who is black, that he would stop using racial slurs. Obviously, he didn't.

Notoriously he said in 1995 of black New York Times correspondent Gwen Ifill, "Isn't The Times wonderful? It lets the cleaning lady cover the White House." He even admitted to 60 Minutes back in 2000 that he uses the 'N-word' in private, but never in public. (Uh, the ghost of Dr. King thanks you, Don.) On that same show, he said, "I don't apologize for offending people ... I know it's not politically correct, and I don't care."

Well, times have changed -- Imus was forced to care, and apologize, but it was much too little, too late. Imus is not by any means the worst of the bigoted shock jocks, however, just the proverbial canary in the coal mine.

The ludicrous age of victimized White Man Ranting is breathing its last as the promise that the Republicans would 'fix everything' has turned into a bitter joke under Bush. More and more Americans every day realize that it isn't blacks or women or some minority that's keeping them down, that is ruining our economy and our standing in the world; it's soft, rich, pampered ofay jerks like Limbaugh and his ilk that are pulling the strings putting them out of work and getting them killed in wrong-headed wars.

Ironically -- since the neocons so worship 'free markets' -- as the worm turns and the 'invisible hand' of economic reality asserts itself, advertisers will flee from the right side of the dial, anxious not to offend minorities or the many whites who are becoming cognizant of the fact that the neocon Republicans have been steadily destroying this country for the past six years, methodically dismantling a government designed to respond to the wishes and needs of the people and replacing it with an over-easy plutocracy that serves the privileged few at the expense of the majority.

The results of the last election and every poll since has shown that the majority of Americans are heading in a new direction, a direction that doesn't include the vitriol and spite of vain 'funnymen' like Imus and Rush.

Ratings for right-wing radio and TV shows have been steadily falling for three years running; even Bill O'Reilly has lost over a million viewers since 2004, and they won't be coming back. Most purchasers of the neocon ideology promoted by Bill and Rush and Fox News have realized it's a modern-day Edsel, one with four flat tires and an engine that doesn't run.

Rush, do you hear that growling at the door?

It's for you.

"What all you folks need, who still treat fellow human beings as 'black', 'white', 'yellow', or 'red', is to watch a Documentary entitled 'The Angry Eye' by Jane Elliott which is described as follows: Documentary which features Jane Elliott's blue-eyed/brown-eyed exercise in discrimination involving college students forced to experience racist treatment minorities have received for years. Jane Elliott was an elementary school teacher in Iowa in the 1960s when she developed her exercise on the effects of racism in response to the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr."
-- Comment by JPBreeze at Common Dreams, April 10, 2007.

Sources for this piece include:

-- Mike Celizic, "Is Imus firing a turning point?" TODAYshow.com, April 12, 2007.

-- Isaiah J. Poole, "Imus and Beyond," Tom Paine, April 11, 2007.

-- Richard Goldstein, "Celebrity Bigots," The Village Voice, July 18, 2000.

-- Philip Nobile, "A Catalogue of Slurs," Tom Paine.com, May 16, 2000.

-- Marcus Mabry, "The Ugly Truth About Imus, Power and the Press," Newsweek, April 11, 2007.

-- Media Matters, "Imus Cancellation: Statement from Media Matters," April 11, 2007.

-- Gwen Ifill, "Trash Talk Radio," The New York Times, April 10, 2007.

-- Media Matters, "Imus Has Long Record of Incendiary Remarks," April 9, 2007.

-- Adam Howard, "No More Imus," The Nation, April 9, 2007.

Headlines of the Future: Don Imus Edition

April 11, 2007: Imus Fired From MSNBC

April 13, 2007: NBC President Claims He Never Heard of Imus Before Firing Him, Anywhere, Ever

April 16, 2007: CBS Cancels 'I-Man' After He Calls News Anchor Couric a "Snappy-Haired Snore"

April 17, 2007: Rutgers Team Meets with Imus; Recommends Castration, Lethal Injection for Beleaguered TV-Radio Host

April 18, 2007: Stetson Nixes Imus Spots After "Crappy-Hatted Bores" Slap at Texans

April 20, 2007: Imus Loses Every Sponsor Except Denny's Restaurants

April 27, 2007: Imus Off Air In US Radio, TV Markets

May 3, 2007: Former Radio Giant Don Imus Hired as Graveyard Jock at 5K WHUP-AM in Stumblefluck, Alabama

May 30, 2007: Imus Dropped From WHUP-AM Line Up; "Don Just Didn't Notch the Ratings We Expected," Says Station's Program Director

June 4, 2007: Former Imus Guest Bo Dietl Hospitalized for 'Continuous Cognitive Dissonance' and 'Gross Public Imbecility'; "Case is Incurable," Claims Doctor

July 6, 2007: Imus Starts College Lecture Tour at Bob Jones University

August 12, 2007: Don Imus Publishes Memoirs; "I Loves De Ho's" in Bookstores Friday

September 21, 2007: Imus Inks Endorsement Contract with Ho-Ho's

September 22, 2007: Imus Ho-Ho's Contract Dead After Interstate Bakeries Corp. President Reads Ex-Shock Jock's Memoirs; "I Thought He Was Writing About Snack Cakes," Explains Ho-Ho's Chief

November 7, 2007: TV's Celebrity Boxing Features Don Imus vs. Armstrong Williams Match

December 22, 2007: Controversial Media Figure Don Imus Retires from Show Business at Age 65

June 2, 2009: Where Are They Now? Imus Still Feisty in Retirement

October 12, 2012: Former Radio Star Don Imus Killed in Bar Fight with African-American Prostitute

Unlikely Candidate Throws Hat in GOP Ring

Breaking News

The Assimilated Press
April 10, 2007 4:18 PM EST
by S.R. Senaj

NASSAU, BAHAMAS -- Larry Birkhead, announcing this afternoon the decision by a Bahamas court that he is, according to DNA tests, the father of Anna Nicole Smith's youngest child Dannielynn, took the opportunity to also outline his plans for his future.

"I've decided to take advantage of all this publicity," Birkhead told the media and onlookers, "And announce that I am a candidate for the Republican nomination for president of the United States."

When asked why he was running, the former edible underwear salesman said, "I can't think of a better way to make some easy money and assure my and little Dannielynn's financial future. Those political candidates are raking in literally millions!"

A Fox News/Ipsos Factos Mall Insta-Poll taken immediately after Birkhead's announcement showed that, if the election were held today, Birkhead would best current GOP front-runner Rudy Giuliani 48 to 35 percent among likely Republican voters.

In Washington, a veteran Republican campaign operative, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the AP that he wasn't surprised at Birkhead's strong appeal to GOP voters, "Larry's the embodiment of everything Republicans love in a candidate: he has family values, an eye for money, and he's not too bright, so naturally he appeals to our base."

Also in Washington, the makers of "W" ketchup have announced the release this month of a new snack product called "Surgers," described by the company as pretzels coated in applesauce and pork fat.

In an unveiling ceremony in the White House Rose Garden April 13, the company plans to present President Bush with a complimentary two-year supply of the new snack.

The Money Pit and the Vipers, GOP Edition

Campaign Money: The Amounts, Where It Came From and What It Means.

"O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things?"
-- Jesus in Matthew 12:34, KJV.

Top Fundraisers, 2008 Republican Candidates for President:

1. Mitt Romney raised $20.6 million. (He kicked in over $2 million of his own money to bring the total to $23 million.)
Mitt the Affable Boob is collecting his money from the same sources that George W. Bush tapped in his campaigns -- Big Oil, lobbyists, filthy rich corporatists, Saudi royals by way of US cut-outs, other assorted Bush cronies -- along with a substantial amount from Mormons in Utah. When Dubya leaves office, the Bushes want to maintain lucrative connections to the top spot and they think Romney has the best chance to win in 2008. They've apparently perceived Mitt as someone who is authoritarian 'Daddy' enough for the GOP base, but unthreatening and reassuring to the gen-pop as well. Watch for him to be marketed as Ward Cleaver in a Craftsman tools ad; calm, smiling, always ready with a quick focus-group-popular answer to every complicated problem. A steady hand on the wheel with a truckload of safe soundbites. Meanwhile, rumors fly that, while Rove trainees infest the McCain train wreck, the Man Himself, the one whom Bush media courtier Mike Allen of The Politico respectfully calls 'Mr. Rove,' is set to take the reins backstage in the Romney campaign. Said to be joining him will be GOP propaganda hustler Frank Luntz. The strategy will be simple, and similar to the one Rove concocted for Bush: Romney stays cool and on-message, a statesman above the fray, while Rove operatives play every underhanded Swift Boat trick in Karl's playbook to decimate the opposition, making his candidate, however reprehensible, look less reprehensible than the competition. Ann Coulter has already endorsed Romney, and she holds sway with the fanged and venomous GOP collegiates. Party insider James Dobson has also bubbled over Mitt, and he appeals to the rubber room Christians. Soon, Fox Newsers and other rightie mouthpieces will be extolling his virtues and rewriting his pro-choice social liberal past. Will it work? Not this time around methinks; while Mitt may nail the nomination, 'Republican' 'incompetence' and 'failure' are closely connected in the public mind, and he's so much of a glad-handing empty suit, he'll turn off a good portion of his own party, so he's unlikely to get elected. It's not 'morning in America' anymore and it's all the GOP's fault. Still, the Repubs have to field someone and, unless Fred Thompson makes a run, he's their best shot. Maybe lightning will strike and videos of Hillary skinny-dipping with Snoop Dogg, Obama at a Klan rally, or Edwards beating up homeless orphans will surface. (Maybe Rove will photo-shop them for The Internets.)

2. Rudy Giuliani raised $15 million.
Rudy raised his cake by putting the arm on the usual collection of GOP corporations, lobbyists and well-heeled donors who recognize a born supplicant when they see one, a sweaty, anxious Willy Loman ready to do favors for the elite in return for the trappings of power and a few crumbs from the table. Of course America's Mare didn't fare well with individual contributions, especially from the Christian Coalitionists and other national keyhole peepers, but who cares about them? The scheme was to ride the Hero of 9/11 hobby-horse to victory, but then the Bush family stuck a dagger in Rudy's back and threw in with Romney. Perhaps the Bushies realized that once details of the Giuliani-Kerik Company's fetid business deals float to the surface, the New York City firefighters and cops Rudy has stiffed get their say, added to his pro-choice leanings, ignorance of foreign affairs, multiple acrimonious divorces, and his generally atrocious private personality, Rudy's going to end up about as popular as a pigeon with diarrhea flying over a Central Park jogging path. Already, for the purported GOP front-runner, this $15 mil is nearly an insult -- His Almighty Hero-ness can't collect more money than Hillary or that black kid? Holy crap! Also, the US mainstream media, scrawling Mayor Chrome Dome's name in their high school notebooks with little hearts for punctuation, have missed a salient point about their political beau: He's a terrible public speaker. His buck-toothed lisp reminds one of a wacky wabbit rather than George S. Patton, and his speeches shut eyes as he steps all over his best lines. To see what I mean, look at his shabby performance at the CPAC gathering in March; you could almost taste the ennui of the audience. Chris Matthews may think he's 'tough,' but once Republicans get a gander at this goose in debate, he's cooked. And McCain, as the flames engulf his campaign cockpit, will make a last desperate attempt to shoot Rudy down with nasty smear ads and push-poll calls ala what Bush did to McCain in 2000. Likely, with so much ammunition provided by Hizzoner, this will work and both he and Rudy will crash and burn.

3. John McCain raised $12.5 million.
A report the other day on MSNBC pretty much sums up why McCain is going in the tank: In response to his relatively low money draw, McCain is planning to employ even more ex-Bush operatives to 'restructure' his campaign. (He already has hired many of the benighted crew that put Dubya in office.) The man who has abandoned every principle he claimed to once endorse in order to endear himself to the Republican base has now become the loathed Junior's body double on losing issues like Iraq. He even talks and thinks like Bush these days: When you're tasting shoe leather, keep chewing, and when the fire's out of control, pour on more gas. But the belfry bats of the GOP base don't trust him, and true conservatives have dropped him like a bag of ripe manure, so he has no constituency left except a few Bushies who need jobs and the half-wit Washington media elite. Sure, the DC punditry gush over him, but they've been sniffing the tailpipe of the Straight Talk Express so long they're hallucinating it's still there. It isn't and it's not coming back. Today the hollow-eyed McCain, perhaps sensing his impending doom, travels the Sanjaya Malarkey route; a William Hung out to dry by the Bush apparatus, he's become a pathetic figure, singing along on any tired tune hummed by the White House, his raw white-knuckled ambition a public joke. Johnny will get his behind handed to him in Iowa and New Hampshire, if he lasts that long, and then it's over and out, Top Gun. There is only one thing that might save McCain at this point -- changing his name to Fred D. Thompson.

Next up: The top Democratic fundraisers.

Baghdad Johnny Defines 'Safe' Edition

McCain's Terminal Foot-in-Mouth Disease

"There are neighborhoods in Baghdad where you and I could walk through those neighborhoods, today. The U.S. is beginning to succeed in Iraq."
-- Sen. John McCain on Bill Bennett's Morning in America radio show, supporting Bush's 'surge,' March 26, 2007.

"To suggest that there's any neighborhood in this city [Baghdad] where an American can walk freely is beyond ludicrous. I'd love Sen. McCain to tell me where that neighborhood is and he and I can go for a stroll."
-- Michael Ware, CNN correspondent in Baghdad, to Wolf Blitzer on CNN's The Situation Room, March 27, 2007.

"Honestly, Wolf, you'll barely last twenty minutes out there. I dont know what part of 'Neverland' Senator McCain is talking about when he says we can go strolling in Baghdad."
-- Michael Ware, as quoted by Crooks and Liars.

"That's where you ought to catch up on things, Wolf. General Petraeus goes out there almost every day in an unarmed humvee."
-- John McCain to Wolf Blitzer on CNN's The Situation Room, March 27, 2007.

"And to think that Gen. David Petraeus travels this city in an unarmed humvee? I mean, in the hour since Sen. McCain's said this, I've spoken to military sources and there was laughter down the line. I mean, certainly the general travels in a humvee. There's multiple humvees around it, heavily armed. There's attack helicopters, predator drones, sniper teams, all sorts of layers of protection. So, no, Sen. McCain is way off base on this one."
-- Michael Ware, ibid.

"I checked with General Petraeus's people overnight and they said he never goes out in anything less than an up-armored humvee."
-- John Roberts to John McCain, CNN, March 28, 2007.

"UPDATE: Now McCain is denying he ever said any of this, even though he said it on camera only yesterday AND in his denial today he repeats the claim that there are several 'safe neighborhoods' in Baghdad, though he qualifies his statement by saying that they are very dangerous safe neighborhoods (I'm not kidding)."
-- John Aravosis, "Demand that John McCain name that 'safe' neighborhood in Baghdad," AmericaBlog, March 28, 2007.

"After a heavily guarded trip to a Baghdad market, Sen. John McCain insisted Sunday that a U.S.-Iraqi security crackdown in the capital was working and said Americans lacked a 'full picture' of the progress being made."
-- Kim Gamel. "McCain visits Baghdad market, proclaims U.S.-Iraqi security crackdown is working," AP, April 1, 2007.

April 3, 2007 -- Declining GOP presidential hopeful Sen. John McCain [R-Dupe], accompanied by Gen. David Petraeus, toured a 'safe' market in Iraq on, appropriately, April Fool's Day for the benefit of US media cameras. CNN news floozie Kyra Phillips, embedded for the ride, reported that he was surrounded by inner, outer and perimeter rings of security, including snipers on roof tops; over 100 soldiers in all. Oh, and he was wearing fashionable body armor too, as well as the rest of the Republican Congressional delegation. The trip to the market was considered so safe that McCain and Co. were ferried from the Green Zone to the market place by Blackhawk helicopters guarded by Apache gunships. Little wonder with that kind of firepower that many of the Iraqi merchants were trying to give their wares away to McCain's party.

Gee, if we could only get the taxpayers to cough up the (borrowed) money to provide every Iraqi with this level of heavily-armed protection and assault helicopters, then these neighborhoods really would be safe.

Just think -- if Bush's 'surge' weren't working so well, Big Mac might have needed five or six rings of security to keep him safe from harm.

Of course, that market's safety was short-lived as insurgents returned to the neighborhood 24 hours after McCain's departure, something Big John doesn't want to dwell on in his embrace of dewy-eyed optimism that the escalation is working. Well, facts are stupid things, as Reagan once famously said, and I'm sure the senator agrees -- if only he could get the media to stop reporting what's going on over there, we could win -- in the November 2008 US presidential election, I mean, not in Iraq. Iraq, as everyone with a functioning brain knows, is a hopeless case.

Incidentally, the AP article noted that over 600 Iraqis have been killed in 'sectarian violence' since McCain burbled his March 26th idiocy.

McCain apparently has a different definition of safety for Iraqis compared to safety in his home state of Arizona, where the DOJ's Bureau of Justice Statistics reported 445 deaths statewide due to murder or non-negligent manslaughter for the year 2005.

600 Iraqis in a week versus 445 Arizonans in a year? Something, or someone, is a little unbalanced here.