Let's say the neocon carpers and whiners were granted their wish: Tomorrow, every single person they hate, including despicable Democrats, liberals, the Clintons, moonbats, bloggers, pinkos, wackos, socialists, commies, agnostics, atheists, Buddhists, dissidents, free-speech nuts, pacifists, porn stars, school teachers, college professors, Hollyweird actors, humanists, free-thinkers, skeptics, Amnesty Internationalists, Francophiles, women's libbers, ACLUers, Darwinists, environmentalists, scientists, gays, lesbians, San Franciscans, Brokeback Mountaineers, flag-burners, unionists, the unemployed and welfare recipients, along with Howard Dean, Sean Penn, Michael Moore and Cindy Sheehan, and anybody else who doesn't think George W. Bush is the greatest thing since sliced baptism, simply vanished, in a sort of Hunter S. Thompson version of the Rapture, and the country was left inhabited solely by those who worship at the clay feet of the All-Knowing Dubya.
Bush's poll numbers instantly would be at 100 percent in every category and his handlers wouldn't have to pre-screen crowds any longer, since every single person showing up would gush drool like this:
"Mr. President, I just thank God and Jesus every day that you're our leader."
"Heh, heh, thank you. Uh, er...is that a question?"
"My question is: Would you please be our leader forever, O Most Godly and Infallible One?"
It is the neocon paradise in every respect.
The thing is, what would be any different? What could Bush do in a completely neoconned America that he can't do now? Ignore the Constitution and the Bill of Rights? No, he already does that. Throw more people he decides are 'enemy combatants' in jail without charges? No, he can do that, too. Torture enemies of the state? No, that's already happening. Further run up the national debt? No, that mission's accomplished also. Reward even more fat government contracts to his friends? No, nothing's stopping him there. Increase funding for his Iraq War? No, the Congress has already appropriated every penny he's requested.
Sure, there would be no more investigations and Fitzgerald prosecutions; the news media would be full of peppy blather about all of Bush's imaginary 'successes,' and nary a peep would be heard about New Orleans, rank incompetence, civil liberties, the economy, the death toll in Iraq, the Taliban coming back to power in Afghanistan, nor any other rude facts that might intrude on the neocon Disneyland.
"This is Bill O'Reilly and we're in the No-Spin Zone. Say, folks, isn't everything just great since we got rid of all those liberal crybabies and character assassins? What about you, Sean, I'm sure you agree."
"Absolutely fantastic! It's just wonderful to have a truly superior president who can do no wrong -- ever."
"They say love is never having to say you're sorry, and with the superb President Bush at the helm, we have someone worthy of our complete love -- and our total adulation."
"Total adulation is the word, Bill."
"Well, those are the headlines. Now for some video of His Excellency President Bush petting his dog."
"These are so heartwarming I just want to break down in tears, Bill."
"Alan Colmes here, Bill. Do you think he'll throw the ball for him this time? I just love it when he throws the ball."
The wealthy would be exalted; perhaps George would even issue them titles like 'Lord Governor Jeb' and 'Most High Chancellor of the Treasury Kenny Boy,' while the rest of the population would descend into serfdom, scrabbling for whatever crumbs they could get. Pensions? Social Security? All gone, drowned in the bathtub with the rest of the government, as prescribed by Supreme Czar of Consummate Financial Wisdom Norquist. Families would have to take care of their oldsters, which should be easy, since they're all going to have to live together in the same one-room shack anyway; it'll be all they can afford.
And there's little doubt an artist's depiction of Jesus, looking very much like Jeffrey Hunter in "King of Kings," would be engraved on every denomination of coin and paper money, except the new three-dollar bill, which would feature a portrait of George W. himself, clearing brush on his ranch in a cowboy hat; abortion, or even thinking about abortion, would be outlawed; church attendance would be mandatory, and enforced by the 'Faith Police'; freedom to criticize the government or the state church would be eliminated; those of other religions 're-educated' and forced to accept Jesus as their personal savior; and school kids (on vouchers, naturally) would be taught that any scientific principle that contradicts Rev. Pat Robertson's interpretation of the Old Testament, such as the Theory of Evolution or that the Earth is more than 6,000 years old, is Against the Lord's Will and taboo. Pat would also toss out any scientific knowledge that he personally doesn't understand or agree with, such as Applied Physics or Ecological Biology. (I forgot to mention that Pat would be appointed Most Splendid Prophet of the National Academy of Sciences.)
Books would be burned; artwork destroyed; unorthodox and new ideas purged; computer-users strictly limited as to the sort of information they can store or disseminate, and the Promise Keepers would keep their promises: Women would be back in the home under their husbands' thumb, raising the kids, cooking the meals, staying pregnant, and being seen and not heard.
It would be a rebirth of the Holy Roman Empire of the Middle Ages, except without all the Catholicism and the Pope, as we'd expand our wars of piety to bring America's new Christian brand of freedom and democracy to the rest of the world. Service in this Grand Army of God, led by Supreme Field Marshal Jerry Boykin, would be mandatory for all men between the ages of 16 and 40. But Bush's military, even with the Almighty on its side, would somehow lack morale and competence, making it prone to disaster and defeat, of which there would be an abundance.
After a generation or two, the other nations of the world would eventually tire of us, stop lending us money and cut us out of their markets. A desperate Emperor Bush, unable to keep together his army or pay off his defense contractors, would threaten to use 'nukular' weapons against them unless they line up to support us. The rest of the world would laugh in his face.
Raving and insane, he'd decide to bring about global Armageddon, and would finally push the button to launch our nukes and destroy the world.
But, you know what? Nothing would happen. All those kids educated in Robertson's Biblical-science schools wouldn't know diddley about real science, the kind of science that launches nuclear weapons, that makes complicated firing mechanisms work. (After all, these things weren't mentioned in the Holy Bible.)
The Red Chinese would then simply walk in and take over with little resistance, make all those who disagree with them vanish, and install a Sino-Communist paradise in America.
"Hi, Bill O'Reilly here in the No-Spin Zone. Say, didn't the incredibly amazing Red Chinese Army put on just one heck of a parade as they marched through downtown Washington yesterday? Everything about the peace and prosperity they're bringing our country is just great! Isn't that right, Sean?"
"Oh, you bet, Bill -- just fantastic! Hoo-ray, communism is here to stay!"
"Well, those are the headlines. Let's just watch this video of our Most Exalted Masters' hanging a picture of the wonderful Mao Zedong up in the East Wing of the White House, sponsored by Wal-Mart. What a fantastic, moving moment."
"I'm moved to tears at the beauty and majesty of it all, Bill."
"Bill, Alan Colmes here. Say, whatever happened to His Excellency President ---"
"You shut up! Cut his mic off! Cut his mic off! I won't have that kind of crazy anti-communist talk on my show!"
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Gone with Their Minds Edition
Operation Swarmer a Pentagon Production to Cloak Raging Iraqi Civil War
The various flapping jaws and bunched foreheads of the Mainstream Mediocrity and their puppeteers in the Republican galaxy of error (Dingbatus Major), in a collective issuance of empty hot breeze, have proclaimed that, while Iraq may be on the brink of civil war, they are not yet actually engaged in one.
The multitudinous attacks on mosques and daily death toll among the civilian population are notwithstanding for these satraps of numbskullery and boneheadedness, apparently waiting for vast armies dressed in blue and gray to face each other on the banks of the Tigris before they officially anoint the proceedings a true 'civil war.'
Of course, those who read more than White House press releases and the masturbatory circularity of the American media know that Iraq has had a low-level civil war in progress for at least the last year, and it's been steadily growing in violence, scope and intensity.
One can only speculate that this latest round of delusional denial by our Appropriated Press has something to do with forestalling the public's reaction when they discover our military is caught in the middle, taking flak from both Sunnis and Shi'ites in the current conflict. Those Americans not affiliated with the oil industry might then surmise, "Let the Iraqis fight their own civil war," and demand we pull out. Such a situation, naturally, would result in the hollow brass balls of the neocon chickenhawkery thudding to the floor simultaneously, as their Crawford Dauphin struggles to rise above 20 percent in the polls. Hear their war cry: "Stay the course, as long as no one we know is getting shot at!"
Their willingness to sacrifice the lives and futures of kids who weren't lucky enough to be born Ivy league legacies is legendary; their stunning ineptitude at accomplishing anything, whether it's pacifying an Arab uprising or responding to a natural disaster, is cliché. It's a testament to the acting talent of the assembled reporters at the White House and Pentagon that they can maintain a straight face while enduring the latest flat mumblings of marvelous achievement from Android McClellan or the triumphant bleating of Death's Head Don, both of whom have been wrong so often that a gambler could bet against them and come out wealthy beyond imagination.
This latest subterfuge, Operation Swarmer, just like the Hooray USA fireworks display that was Shock and Awe, is just another expensive explosives-enhanced distraction, not hastening the end of the civil war or our misbegotten involvement in Iraq by even an hour. The brass hats have been gathering before the cameras and microphones to declare some sort of victory over the insurgents in Samarra, while the U.S. media shines their spoons for a new feeding of feel-good militaristic gruel. But the truth is the insurgency has eyes and ears throughout Iraq; they no doubt knew of this attack long before the American media were aware of it, and vacated the area accordingly. In a few months, we'll be reading the grisly coda to this recent thumb's-up, glom-and-bomb scenario, written in the blood of innocent Iraqi men, women and children -- regrettable collateral damage all.
Yes, Scarlett, there is a full-blown civil war going on in Iraq, our people are getting killed in it, it isn't going to stop because we're there and, frankly, they don't give a damn.
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Today's Quote
"Every prediction the President made about this war has proven to be false, while virtually every prediction made by war opponents has proven to be true. The President and his followers controlled every part of this war with an iron fist... insisting on the right to exert full-scale, undiluted control over it. And now it has failed. And it's everyone's fault except theirs."
-- Glenn Greenwald, a conservative Republican.
