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"This is The Situation Room and I'm Wolf Blitzer. Now let's go to CNN's Senior Political Analyst Bill Schneider for the latest on the president's 34 percent approval rating. Bill, what about this -- this is the lowest rating of his presidency, isn't it?"
"Uh, Wolf, just one minor correction: That's not 34 percent of Americans who approve of President Bush's handling of his job -- that's 34 PEOPLE TOTAL, and all of them from his family."
"Thank you, Bill. And now over to Suzanne Malveaux at the White House. Suzanne, what does this president have to do to improve those numbers?"
"Wolf, do you ever listen to yourself? You're supposed to be an objective journalist reporting the news -- why do you care about improving Bush's poll numbers?"
"Thanks for that report, Suzanne. Ed Henry on Capitol Hill: Ed, what does the president have to do to bring up these poll numbers?"
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"Welcome back to Hardball. I'm here with Katrina vanden Heuvel, editor of The Nation magazine, and we're talking about this AP video that shows Bush being briefed on August 28th by FEMA. Katrina, how do you think this affects the president's credibility?"
"Chris, obviously, as we've been saying all along, Bush has zero credibility on --"
"Katrina, are you saying the president is LYING? I mean, do the far-left bongo-players you represent -- those types with the purple dreadlocks and the piercings on their flap-doodle -- really believe President Bush would lie to the American people? No wonder nobody listens to you."
"Chris, I think this tape shows without question that --"
"I don't get you lefties: Do you think you're going to win by slamming this president that everybody wants to have a beer with? People like the guy! Americans look at him and say, 'Yeah, there's my uncle or big brother! So he's wrecked a few cars when he was drunk, slaughtered a few people, he's still okay in my book!' Why don't you guys get that?"
"Chris, if you look at the recent polls -- "
"Yeah, but don't you think that -- gut-level, man-to-man -- Americans just identify with a macho guy like Bush who looks good in cowboy hats and tight blue jeans and clears brush and that stuff? A manly straight-shooter like John Wayne? I mean, Noam Chomsky looks like a big dork in a cowboy hat. Katrina, don't you think you could reach more of the Red States you need to get your side elected if you had a Southern accent like Bush?"
"Chris, I think you're dealing in superficialities; what's important is -- "
"See, that's what I mean. Maybe if you didn't use words like 'superficialities' you could score with the NASCAR crowd out there. Go for the lowest common denominator. That's what Karl Rove and the Republicans know how to do. You weirdo leftists keep talking to the American people like they had some brains, like you have some respect for their intelligence. What the hell's wrong with you?"
"Chris, do you just have me on so that you can rudely interrupt me before I make a point, while, pretending to be unbiased, you score points for the Republican Party?"
"You're catching on, Katrina. After the break, watch me embarrass myself by repeatedly kissing former Republican Sen. Alan Simpson's hindquarters because he went bird hunting with a shotgun a few times. We'll be right back."
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"We're back with our guests Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin and Bill O'Reilly. Ann, some critics have described your controversial comments as bordering on fascism. How do you respond?"
"Oh, that's ridiculous -- these commie pinkos just have no sense of humor. I mean, my GOD, these outright traitors, these ACLU perverts, and all of their freedom of speech talk -- freedom of speech is vastly over-rated. They simply don't realize real Americans want a strong leader like George W. Bush, someone they can trust who won't put up with their carping questions. 'Why are you doing this about the war? Why did you do that about Katrina? Why are you wasting my money? Why are you lying to me?' and all that other claptrap. Picky, picky. Don't they realize they are impeding the president from performing his duty of securing the nation with their never-ending questions? These liberals just don't realize the benefits of a little local fascism. They should all be drawn and quartered and their heads placed on spikes on every highway leading into Washington."
"Of course, you were just kidding about that last part."
"If it's to my advantage I am."
"Michelle, it must be quite a challenge to come up with outrageous things to say to compete with Ann here. I mean, it seems like no matter what you do, her skinny rump is always above you on the ladder of right-wing media success. How does that feel?"
"It's all due to liberal racism against Asian-Americans. If I were blonde and Aryan like Ann here, I'd be kicking sand in her eyes but, because the liberal media has pegged me as a dark-haired Filipino woman and the reverse-racism of the left, I'm being prevented from airing my views. I'm chained like a slave to the blogosphere and my books haven't sold nearly as well as Ann's thanks to the New York Times and the Washington Post."
"Isn't it possible that it's your obnoxious opinions and not your race that is the problem?"
"Oh, that's just silly. My opinions are all very much in the mainstream of American thought. My audiences at my paid appearances tell me that all the time."
"Bill, would you like to weigh in?"
"Say, have either of you two young ladies ever had a loofah in the shower?"
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"Katie, it's great to see New Orleans coming together once again to celebrate Mardi Gras after all this town has been through this year."
"That's wonderful, Matt, but there don't seem to be as many bare-breasted women this time around."
"Well, a lot of plastic beads were lost in Katrina..."
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"Say, Bud, I hear you're going to introduce us to the most powerful cleaning agent in human history!"
"That's right, Tom! Ladies and gentleman here in the studio audience and you folks at home, what if I told you that I had a spray cleaner that can instantly remove greasy fingerprints from walls, tar from tile floors, those tough mineral deposits in the bathtub, and those stubborn stains on the garage floor? What if I told you this miracle cleaner could remove chrome from trailer hitches, the old paint from your walls, and several layers of skin from your face? How much would you pay for a super cleaner like that?"
"Gosh, Bud, to have my hands on the greatest home cleaning product since the machine gun?! I think I'd easily pay fifty -- even a hundred dollars!"
"You'd think wrong, Tom -- one gallon of this incredible new cleaner, invented for use by our military forces in Iraq, can be yours for only $19.95 in this special TV offer!"
"Gawdamitey on a cracker, Bud! My head's reeling from the savings! Or maybe it's the toxic odor. Why don't you tell the folks how to order while I put my head between my legs to control the nausea and dizziness."
"Folks, you can order new White Phosphorus by calling ..."
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"Welcome back to Desperate Political Housewives."
"We could have a happy marriage if not for you and your stable of whores."
"Okay, here we go again with the 'stable of whores' stuff. I can't even talk to you these days without you bringing that up. First of all, it's only THREE whores -- that's hardly a 'stable'..."
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Today's Quote
"15,000 atheists in London have rioted after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist's desk."
-- Steven Alan Green
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