The Tattlesnake -- Waiting For...Oh, God Edition

Stop and Smell the Rose Garden
or, The Importance of Being Ernest in the White House

June 15, 2006 -- The Tattlesnake has never actually seen someone whacked across the back of the head with a 2" X 4" but, if he had, he could imagine the look on the face of the 'whackee' as being very similar to the expressions of some members of the White House Press Chorus Wednesday morning as they listened to President Bumblefutz verbally stagger his way through yet another painful and embarrassing press conference.

As Bush did Jon Stewart doing Bush, your Tattlesnake couldn't help but try to recall where he had seen such a performance before.

Then, through the hazy layers of years of ruinated brain cells sacrificed to the joys of low-living, emerged the answer: Bush was really imitating Ernest P. Worrell, the kid-flick Gomeresque goofus created by actor/comedian Jim Varney.

Whenever the Scourge of World Terrorism (as he's known with a wink and elbow dig around Al-Qaeda HQ), has a good week, as we've been assured by Republicans and their media coat carriers that Bush has had, he always holds a press conference where he lapses into the most irritating form of hyuk-hyuk white-trash shuck and jive this side of a "Hee Haw" rerun.

But it's not just his 'Ernest Goes to Baghdad' presentation that annoys; his ideas are so comically inane and stale you have to wonder if he's just trying to see how much he can get away with before the WHPC break out laughing uncontrollably.

Reproduced from bleary memory -- so don't expect even Fox News transcript accuracy -- here are some highlights (or the opposite) of El Roto's flapping-softshoe session:

Answering a reporter's question concerning his recent secret trip to Iraq:

"Yuh see, ah'm the decider who decided to do that trip. It's dangeous out there and ah'm like a prime target or somethin' so we kept it all under the hat, an' no, ah don't mean that guy's black hat -- whut's his name, Alabamoff? Asimov? -- that ah only had a couple pictures taken with and don't know from Adam.

"Yuh see, that's whut deciders do -- they decide. An' ah decided to decide that we'd go on this here secret trip and visit up with the I-raqis over there in I-raq, the place where ah decided to send our troops to fight the terraists and, God bless 'em, they're doin' a heckuva job there, ah mean our troops, thanks tuh strong leadership from strong deciders here in the White House and over there in the mil'tary command with strong plans."

When asked about his surprise meeting with new Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki:

"Ah could tell jus' by looking at him -- lookin' him in the eye -- that he was a strong leader like me, an' a strong leader who's gonna show some strong leadership to the I-raqi peepul, just like Amurkins like me because of muh strong leadership here in Amurka. It's a tough job he's got, but he's tough enough tuh do it, 'cause he's a strong leader with strong plans and strong decisions he's made. See, strong leaders have strong plans so they can be strong deciders when the time comes to be decidin'. You gotta have yourself a strong plan if you're gonna be a strong leader with strong plans that yuh make from them strong deciders, or when yuh make strong plans that lead tuh strong decision makin'.

"Now, a course, since he's head of this here free and democratic government they got in I-raq now, he's gotta respond to the will of the peepul, 'cause that's what strong leaders do in a free democracy, even if they got themselves strong plans and strong decisions tuh make. Otherwise, yuh got yourself a tyranny where yuh can have a strong decidin' leader with strong plans but the peepul don't have no say -- see, that's what yuh call a tyranny -- I mean, most of the time, 'cause sometimes tyrants have tuh lissen tuh the peepul, but not like they have tuh lissen in a free democracy like I-raq is now."

Responding to a question about Iraq's infrastructure:

"Well, this here Prime Minister Malarkey is a mighty good man. Ah could tell when ah looked in his eyes an' talked tuh him for five minutes that he was a good man and a strong leader with strong plans and strong decisions tuh make. An' he'll make 'em, because of all his strongness.

"Now, everbody over there wants electricity. See, your appliances like the refrigerator and the air conditioner can't run without some electricity. So we got tuh get that juice runnin'. Boy, an' they sure need some electricity over there 'cause -- whoo doggies! -- it's hot! See, that part of the world ah've learned from muh close advisers is mighty hot, with deserts and things, so they need that air conditionin' bad. See, the Prime Minister tol' me he had his electricity man up workin' on gettin' the power goin' -- you know, power tuh the peepul, huh, huh -- but it's hard tuh keep it runnin' when we keep bombin' it -- ah mean, the terraist insurgents keep bombin' it. Y'know, we jus' want tuh practice our love on the I-raqi peepul an' show 'em we're the kind of neighbors they can depend on tuh never leave -- ah mean, leave 'em with th' terraists who hate freedom and democracy an' our strong plans for a stable democracy in the Middle East kinda like Israel, but with A-rabs instead a Jews. But it's kinda hard tuh stuff that down their throats all at once after they been used tuh Sad-dam Hussein, the world's most evil man, doin' the stuffin', but they'll come around 'cause we got strong leaders with strong plans and strong deciders an' whut's on the other side but Democrats who can't decide what tuh order for breakfast? That's why we'll win, 'cause, like Darwin said, only the strong survive. Not that ah believe in Darwin a course, 'cause ah'm a good Christian man who has Gawd tell me whut's whut, not Percy Darwin."

On a question regarding Karl Rove escaping indictment in the Plamegate case:

"That there Pat Fitzgerald fella is a fine man. Fair and balanced an' doin' a heckuva prosecutin' job, except with Scooter, but we can afford tuh cut him loose. Ah knew Karl was innocent all along, even if'n he lied a few times, but that's not illegal, 'cause see the president -- that's me -- says it wasn't illegal. See, ah got special powers in wartime to make the laws, that's whut muh Attorney Gen'ral Gonzales says the Constitution says, so ah can make it that Karl wasn't lyin' or doin' nothin' illegal in this here ongoing investigation I can't talk about, 'cause it's all a national security thing, and we can't let our enemies find out that Karl was lyin' or whatever for political reasons cause then they might use it against us, see? Ah mean, Karl's the reason ah'm here talkin' tuh yuh as president, an' one a the finest public servants ah've ever known. So that's the reason we can't afford tuh have Karl in a jail cell somewhere or tied up in court. Ah mean he knows too much -- wait, uh, er... ah meant to say he has valuable advice that can help me make the right strong decisions when it comes time tuh put my strong decider hat on an', since we're back talkin' about hats again, ah think that's a good time tuh stop this here press conference. Hey, you with the sunglasses: nice touch, moron! Gawd bless Amurka an' yuh all have a nice day."

Some dedicated investigative reporter should check the Crawford vacation Ranch; I'll bet, in the stable, they'll find a horse missing its ass.
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Today's Quote

"The stars are in alignment for a new national orgy of rancor because Americans are angry. The government has failed to alleviate gas prices, the economic anxieties of globalization or turmoil in Iraq. Two-thirds of Americans believe their country is on the wrong track. The historical response to that plight is a witch hunt for scapegoats on whom we can project our rage and impotence. Gay people, though traditionally handy for that role, aren't the surefire scapegoats they once were; support for a constitutional marriage amendment, ABC News found, fell to 42 percent just before the Senate vote. Hence the rise of a juicier target: Hispanics. They are the new gays, the foremost political pinata in the election year of 2006."
-- Frank Rich, "How Hispanics Became the New Gays," The New York Times, June 11, 2006. [Requires subscription]

The Gas War and Other Loose Leakers Edition

Passing Gas to Your Friends; Thank You, Meester Boosh!

-- The Gas War is On: Recently, an acquaintance of Tattlesnake's was held up at gun point in the alley right behind his own home. Luckily, he wasn't harmed and nothing was taken but his credit cards. Sadly, for a city the size of Chicago, this was an unremarkable mugging, or would have been until the whole story came out.

When my friend was calling around cancelling his credit cards and making a police report, he discovered that the two young teenagers (15, 16 year olds) who stuck him up immediately went to the gas station and charged hundreds of dollars worth of gas. The police and credit card folks told him this was the new trend since gas prices shot up: Kids heist credit cards and take the whole gang to the gas station where they all fill up, then they quickly ditch the cards. Fortunately, my buddy won't be charged for the gas since he reported the stolen cards right away, but it led Tattlesnake to think that this is the on-the-ground result of living in CEO Bush's American Oiligarchy -- people stealing for gasoline.

Well, at least ExxonMobil is getting filthy rich.

-- What's Wrong with America, #256: The Main Squeeze recently received a gift from her dear elderly mother; a couple of 'hair scrunchies' -- those puffy ponytail holders -- each decorated with a spray of gauzy fabric holding a little red, white or blue star at the end of a translucent strand. It's supposed to look like a burst of fireworks, I guess, but definitely not the Squeeze's style. (Poor Mom can't help it -- she's old.) The Tattlesnake, donning his Investigative Reporter hat (kept behind the stained bottle of Angostura bitters in the liquor cabinet), carefully eyeballed the label: Hmmm, "Patriot Pride"; next line, "HAIR TUTU," and below that, "Wear it with pride!" Okay, well, God bless America and Kate Friggin' Smith. Flip the label over, though, and it read, just beneath the bar code: "D.M. Production, Elmhurst, IL 60126, #USA-TU." But right in the middle, in all caps, it screamed: "MADE IN CHINA".

WTF?! "Patriot Pride"?!

This joins the Museum of Thudding, Jaw-Dropping, Head-Slapping Irony, along with Dubya's photo-op promoting his wondrous work on the economy where his advance team covered 'Made in China' stamps on factory boxes with 'Made in America' labels, and those little American flags pro-war demonstrators often frantically wave, supporting our troops by wanting them to stay in combat in Iraq. Tiny labels are affixed to the sticks holding each flag. Yes, you've already guessed what they say, in eight-point type.

I'd tell everyone to write 'D.M. Production' and ask what in the hell they were thinking, but we'd probably only get a visit from O'Reilly's Fox News Security patrol asking us to explain why we're engaging in such 'un-American' activities. I wonder if D.M. also sells rope...

-- Winning Broken Hearts with Broken Minds: It still hasn't dawned on the Bush Keyboard Kommandos and Neocon Desk Jockeys that fighting the insurgency in Iraq is like fighting water with a hammer; it doesn't matter how hard you hit the water, nor how big the hammer, the water simply scatters and it's still there. The insurgency is still there, and will still be there in the future because, contrary to the ill-winds emanating from the Pentagon and the White House, it's largely made up of Iraqis fighting to get rid of us.

Haditha, Abu Ghraib, the destruction of Fallujah, ad nauseum. The stories of all of these disasters passed among the Iraqis long before they were heard by American ears, the consequence of over-stressed troops, low morale, inept leadership, and governmental paranoia. It's too late to convince the majority of Iraq that we are anything but Saddam in a different uniform and it's past time to take the advice of Rep. Jack Murtha and dozens of retired military brass and pull our forces back to the borders and let the Iraqis form their own government and police themselves, even if that means a civil war (already in progress). At this point, it's the only way out and every death or maiming of one of our guys is simply a sacrifice on the altar of Bush arrogance and incompetence.

-- Finally, every day I hear the MSM go on about Bush doing something or other to placate his 'base' -- now about 30 percent of the population and falling. Here are a couple of questions they never ask: As president, Bush is supposed to represent all of the people -- when does he start working for the nation instead of this confused minority? Why should we pay him and his cabinet (and the Republicans in Congress) to cater to a group the majority doesn't agree with?
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Best Quote Yet on Rove's Immigration Distraction

"Show me a 50-foot wall, and I'll show you a 51-foot ladder."
-- Gov. Janet Napolitano [D-AZ], on building
a wall to stop immigrants. Quoted by Molly Ivins in "Yes, I Am Actually Calling Them Racist," Truthdig, May 22, 2006.

Chicks No Chickens Edition

Dixie Chicks Talk Turkey and Win Despite the Wide Open Spaces Between the Ears of Neocon Detractors

In March 2003, after the Dixie Chicks' Natalie Maines told an audience in England that she was ashamed that George W. Bush was from her home state of Texas, you'd have thought, from the frothing reaction of the Usual GOP Bush Protectors, that she'd announced her engagement to Osama bin Laden.

Moreover Maines, showing a spine Democrats should study, refused to apologize or back down from her comment. As organized letter-writing and calling campaigns (can you say 'Rove'?) besieged country radio stations (most of them affiliated with Bush-friendly Clear Channel Radio), urging them to stop playing Dixie Chicks music, and the news showed shots of alleged former fans of the group destroying their CD's, many of the Republican brand smugly informed the public that, sure, Natalie Maines had her right to free speech but warned gleefully that, as the price for using it, she was going to have to 'suffer the consequences.' Even King Junior himself entered the fray, telling NBC in an interview in April 2003 that "Freedom is a two-way street," implying that those who might speak out against him would pay a price, perhaps even losing their livelihood.

(Strangely, those of us who have done more than glance at the Constitution never noticed that it said any suffering or price should be attached to exercising your right of free speech, especially losing your means of supporting yourself, but then the Rovian Bushistas can get very creative in their ugly smear campaigns.)

Various members of the punditocracy of the day predicted a quick and unseemly demise for the Chicks for committing the new post-9/11 crime of expressing your honest opinion. That prediction was belied by the packed concert halls that accompanied their American tour following the flap, with only a handful of sorry stragglers outside holding shabby anti-Chicks signs.

At any rate, fast forward to the present, where the Chicks are 'suffering the consequences' of opposing Bush by being the biggest-selling female group in history, with a number one album on both the Billboard charts and the Internet. (Tattlesnake wonders how many other popular musical artists who disliked Bush and the Iraq debacle but held their tongue back in 2003 are kicking themselves now?)

Only such a revered fount of establishment journalism such as Time could so misread the mood of the nation by having a cover photo of the band with the legend "Radical Chicks" splashed below them. Radical? In poll after poll, two-thirds of the nation agree with them on Bush and the Iraq War. That sounds more 'mainstream' than radical.

In an interview with Larry King May 31st, the Chicks still refused to buckle to the right-wing Bush Noise Machine, and they are more popular than ever, a lesson our feebly fainthearted Democrats in Washington might take to heart.

By the way, the first female U.S. president shouldn't be that politically-bendable Gumby doll Hillary, it should be Natalie Maines -- pretty, smart, takes no guff, and she can sing, too. And Randi Rhodes would be the perfect Veep for her.

Not that it's ever going to happen, but the Tattlesnake would enthusiastically join the 'Maines-stream' in 2008, especially with Randi as the anti-Cheney.

Besides, Natalie would be the first president who could sing "The Star-Spangled Banner" at her own inauguration.
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Today's Quote: Vindication

"But now those harsh critics [of the Bush Administration] have been vindicated. And it turns out that many of the administration supporters can't handle the truth. They won't admit that they built a personality cult around a man who has proved almost pathetically unequal to the job. Nor will they admit that opponents of the Iraq war, whom they called traitors ..., have been proved right. So they have taken refuge in the belief that a vast conspiracy of America-haters in the media is hiding the good news from the public.

"Unlike the crazy conspiracy theories of the left -- which do exist, but are supported only by a tiny fringe -- the crazy conspiracy theories of the right are supported by important people: powerful politicians, television personalities with large audiences. And we can safely predict that these people will never concede that they were wrong. When the Iraq venture comes to a bad end, they won't blame those who led us into the quagmire; they'll claim that it was all the fault of the liberal media, which stabbed our troops in the back."
-- Paul Krugman, "Who's Crazy Now?" The New York Times, May 8, 2006. [Requires subscription.]