or, The Importance of Being Ernest in the White House
June 15, 2006 -- The Tattlesnake has never actually seen someone whacked across the back of the head with a 2" X 4" but, if he had, he could imagine the look on the face of the 'whackee' as being very similar to the expressions of some members of the White House Press Chorus Wednesday morning as they listened to President Bumblefutz verbally stagger his way through yet another painful and embarrassing press conference.
As Bush did Jon Stewart doing Bush, your Tattlesnake couldn't help but try to recall where he had seen such a performance before.
Then, through the hazy layers of years of ruinated brain cells sacrificed to the joys of low-living, emerged the answer: Bush was really imitating Ernest P. Worrell, the kid-flick Gomeresque goofus created by actor/comedian Jim Varney.
Whenever the Scourge of World Terrorism (as he's known with a wink and elbow dig around Al-Qaeda HQ), has a good week, as we've been assured by Republicans and their media coat carriers that Bush has had, he always holds a press conference where he lapses into the most irritating form of hyuk-hyuk white-trash shuck and jive this side of a "Hee Haw" rerun.
But it's not just his 'Ernest Goes to Baghdad' presentation that annoys; his ideas are so comically inane and stale you have to wonder if he's just trying to see how much he can get away with before the WHPC break out laughing uncontrollably.
Reproduced from bleary memory -- so don't expect even Fox News transcript accuracy -- here are some highlights (or the opposite) of El Roto's flapping-softshoe session:
Answering a reporter's question concerning his recent secret trip to Iraq:
"Yuh see, ah'm the decider who decided to do that trip. It's dangeous out there and ah'm like a prime target or somethin' so we kept it all under the hat, an' no, ah don't mean that guy's black hat -- whut's his name, Alabamoff? Asimov? -- that ah only had a couple pictures taken with and don't know from Adam.
"Yuh see, that's whut deciders do -- they decide. An' ah decided to decide that we'd go on this here secret trip and visit up with the I-raqis over there in I-raq, the place where ah decided to send our troops to fight the terraists and, God bless 'em, they're doin' a heckuva job there, ah mean our troops, thanks tuh strong leadership from strong deciders here in the White House and over there in the mil'tary command with strong plans."
When asked about his surprise meeting with new Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki:
"Ah could tell jus' by looking at him -- lookin' him in the eye -- that he was a strong leader like me, an' a strong leader who's gonna show some strong leadership to the I-raqi peepul, just like Amurkins like me because of muh strong leadership here in Amurka. It's a tough job he's got, but he's tough enough tuh do it, 'cause he's a strong leader with strong plans and strong decisions he's made. See, strong leaders have strong plans so they can be strong deciders when the time comes to be decidin'. You gotta have yourself a strong plan if you're gonna be a strong leader with strong plans that yuh make from them strong deciders, or when yuh make strong plans that lead tuh strong decision makin'.
"Now, a course, since he's head of this here free and democratic government they got in I-raq now, he's gotta respond to the will of the peepul, 'cause that's what strong leaders do in a free democracy, even if they got themselves strong plans and strong decisions tuh make. Otherwise, yuh got yourself a tyranny where yuh can have a strong decidin' leader with strong plans but the peepul don't have no say -- see, that's what yuh call a tyranny -- I mean, most of the time, 'cause sometimes tyrants have tuh lissen tuh the peepul, but not like they have tuh lissen in a free democracy like I-raq is now."
Responding to a question about Iraq's infrastructure:
"Well, this here Prime Minister Malarkey is a mighty good man. Ah could tell when ah looked in his eyes an' talked tuh him for five minutes that he was a good man and a strong leader with strong plans and strong decisions tuh make. An' he'll make 'em, because of all his strongness.
"Now, everbody over there wants electricity. See, your appliances like the refrigerator and the air conditioner can't run without some electricity. So we got tuh get that juice runnin'. Boy, an' they sure need some electricity over there 'cause -- whoo doggies! -- it's hot! See, that part of the world ah've learned from muh close advisers is mighty hot, with deserts and things, so they need that air conditionin' bad. See, the Prime Minister tol' me he had his electricity man up workin' on gettin' the power goin' -- you know, power tuh the peepul, huh, huh -- but it's hard tuh keep it runnin' when we keep bombin' it -- ah mean, the terraist insurgents keep bombin' it. Y'know, we jus' want tuh practice our love on the I-raqi peepul an' show 'em we're the kind of neighbors they can depend on tuh never leave -- ah mean, leave 'em with th' terraists who hate freedom and democracy an' our strong plans for a stable democracy in the Middle East kinda like Israel, but with A-rabs instead a Jews. But it's kinda hard tuh stuff that down their throats all at once after they been used tuh Sad-dam Hussein, the world's most evil man, doin' the stuffin', but they'll come around 'cause we got strong leaders with strong plans and strong deciders an' whut's on the other side but Democrats who can't decide what tuh order for breakfast? That's why we'll win, 'cause, like Darwin said, only the strong survive. Not that ah believe in Darwin a course, 'cause ah'm a good Christian man who has Gawd tell me whut's whut, not Percy Darwin."
On a question regarding Karl Rove escaping indictment in the Plamegate case:
"That there Pat Fitzgerald fella is a fine man. Fair and balanced an' doin' a heckuva prosecutin' job, except with Scooter, but we can afford tuh cut him loose. Ah knew Karl was innocent all along, even if'n he lied a few times, but that's not illegal, 'cause see the president -- that's me -- says it wasn't illegal. See, ah got special powers in wartime to make the laws, that's whut muh Attorney Gen'ral Gonzales says the Constitution says, so ah can make it that Karl wasn't lyin' or doin' nothin' illegal in this here ongoing investigation I can't talk about, 'cause it's all a national security thing, and we can't let our enemies find out that Karl was lyin' or whatever for political reasons cause then they might use it against us, see? Ah mean, Karl's the reason ah'm here talkin' tuh yuh as president, an' one a the finest public servants ah've ever known. So that's the reason we can't afford tuh have Karl in a jail cell somewhere or tied up in court. Ah mean he knows too much -- wait, uh, er... ah meant to say he has valuable advice that can help me make the right strong decisions when it comes time tuh put my strong decider hat on an', since we're back talkin' about hats again, ah think that's a good time tuh stop this here press conference. Hey, you with the sunglasses: nice touch, moron! Gawd bless Amurka an' yuh all have a nice day."
Some dedicated investigative reporter should check the Crawford vacation Ranch; I'll bet, in the stable, they'll find a horse missing its ass.
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Today's Quote
"The stars are in alignment for a new national orgy of rancor because Americans are angry. The government has failed to alleviate gas prices, the economic anxieties of globalization or turmoil in Iraq. Two-thirds of Americans believe their country is on the wrong track. The historical response to that plight is a witch hunt for scapegoats on whom we can project our rage and impotence. Gay people, though traditionally handy for that role, aren't the surefire scapegoats they once were; support for a constitutional marriage amendment, ABC News found, fell to 42 percent just before the Senate vote. Hence the rise of a juicier target: Hispanics. They are the new gays, the foremost political pinata in the election year of 2006."
-- Frank Rich, "How Hispanics Became the New Gays," The New York Times, June 11, 2006. [Requires subscription]
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