Is It Too Early for a Christmas List? Edition

Some holiday gift suggestions for our recently defeated friends on the neocon right:

-- For George W. Bush, a DVD of "The Candidate," a copy of "The Final Days," an edition of Sun Tzu's "The Art of War," a thick rawhide saddle, and tickets to a rodeo not hosted by the GOP.

-- For Laura Bush, 500 hours of Primal Scream therapy and a dartboard with Barbara Bush's picture.

-- For Dick Cheney, a Player's Club International card, a copy of Gen. Smedley Butler's "War is a Racket," free medical care at a Baghdad hospital, and a deluxe Risk game.

-- For Lynne Cheney, an autographed edition of Rita Mae Brown's "Rubyfruit Jungle" and a DVD of "The Vagina Monologues."

-- For Don Rumsfeld, a copy of "The Peter Principle," a biography of Gen. George McClellan, and a month's vacation at the sunny paradise of Devil's Island, including a stay in the old prison torture rooms, just to make him feel at home.

-- For Karl Rove, a copy of "Math For Dummies," free tickets to "Death of a Salesman," a take-out dinner of Crow Tartar, and a hefty donation to National Public Radio in his name.

-- For Condi Rice, a gold-embossed edition of "Black Like Me," bound in $100 dollar bills, a case of Jheri-Curl, and a lifetime subscription to Ebony magazine.

-- For George Allen, the collected works of James Baldwin, a copy of the Emancipation Proclamation, and an easy-read edition of the Talmud.

-- For Michael Steele, a trade paperback of "The Autobiography of Malcolm X," a coupon for the Hair Club for Men, and a case of Oreos.

-- For Conrad Burns, a book on etiquette and a case of lemons to suck on.

-- For Dennis Hastert, an "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt, a hosting stint on TV's "The Biggest Loser," and a contract with the World Wrestling Federation, where he'll appear under the pseudonym "The Great White Whale."

-- For Mark Foley, a Bible signed by Ted Haggard with his phone number on the flyleaf, and a free lifetime membership in NAMBLA.

-- For Ted Haggard, a subscription to the Washington Blade, a copy of Sinclair Lewis' "It Can't Happen Here," a massage table, and a 'Build Your Own Meth Lab at Home' kit.

-- For Ken Mehlman, a collection of Mark Foley Action Figures in various election-losing poses and a pink triangle.

-- For Bill O'Reilly, a Brillo-pad loofah, an autographed picture of Sen. Al Franken, and the Encyclopedia of American Facts and Figures.

-- For Sean Hannity, a comb with serrated steel teeth, a case of Brylcreem, and an animated cartoon version of "Das Kapital."

-- For Ann Coulter, an edition of "The Feminine Mystique," a copy of the Sermon on the Mount, a case of KY Jelly, and a slinky low-cut black straightjacket.

-- For Rick Santorum, an inflatable sex dog, a copy of "The Color Purple," and a DVD of "Angels in America."

-- For Don Sherwood, a DVD of "Bum Fight," and the number of a good dominatrix.

-- For Lewis Libby, a Monopoly game with no Get Out of Jail Free cards and a Vespa with bad brakes.