Re-Reviewing the GOP 2008 Presidential Candidates Edition

Predictions to be taken in the spirit in which they were made -- with a rim of salt and a slice of lime.

"We made too many wrong mistakes."
-- Yogi Berra

What's changed with the Republicans since the last time I did this?

In alphabetical order, starting with the three major players:

-- Rudy Giuliani, former Mayor of New York City:
Has he officially announced? Is the Pope a Catholic who doesn't believe in divorce?
What are his chances? Let's call it right now: Rudy Giuliani's not going to be the next President of the United States. If he makes it through the primaries, he'll be slaughtered in the general election. While he'll quickly wear out his 'anti-terrorist hero of 9/11' shtick, in a bit of table-turning, he'll be the 'Dem Light' on social issues in the general election, and voters might as well vote for a real Democrat instead of someone who pretends to be one. If, on the other hand, he steers far right on both the War on Terra and social issues, he's going to lose anyway; Americans are sore from the side-effects of the right-wing agenda. It's been rumored this guy was afraid to face Hillary for the Senate seat from New York, and used illness as a cover story. He's one good scandal away from being cooked, and the potential burners are lit and ready. America's Mayor might as well throw away his transfer right now -- his campaign bus is never going to arrive at the White House.

-- John McCain, US Senator from Arizona:
Has he officially announced? Perhaps appropriately, considering the low comedy his campaign has become, he announced Feb. 28 on The David Letterman Show.
What are his chances? John McCain's not going to be president either in 2008, or ever. He's squandered all the good will he built up in his 2000 campaign, alienating that combination of sane Republicans, conservative Democrats and moderate independents he might have been able to ride into the White House next year. What has he received in return? Affiliation with a loathed president bottoming out in the polls, a lost war, and a rep as a lap dog for Jerry Falwell. McCain has also further debased himself by hiring Bush operatives, trained by Mr. Karl Rove himself, to run his campaign, so look for things to get mighty nasty in the primaries. The last few speeches by McCain, he didn't look well: wan, weak and wrinkled like Dorian Gray's portrait come to life. His voice sometimes quavers when he delivers his most onerous lines, and he looks down at his shoes a lot. The kind of teeth-aching hypocrisy Johnny has engaged in the past few years will do that to a man. Once he was a Straight-Talk Viet Vet hero; now, even with the puzzling adulation of the corporate media, he's just a puling public embarrassment, the corporate logo of the craven pol who'll say anything to get elected, with his lip prints on the gluteus maximus of President Junior, a man he reportedly privately despises.

-- Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee, but he's running.
What are his chances? Mitt Romney's a Twinkie mixed in a blender with a vanilla shake: sweet and bland on a wide range of issues, with empty linguistic calories to spare. The secret favorite of the Bush family -- Jeb's in his corner -- Candidate Jello quivers around but damned if anyone can figure out what he really stands for, aside from the usual 'strong national defense and protecting everyone from everything that polls well, God bless America.' Romney's no brain trust -- which, obviously, does not disqualify from being president -- and he's got that smiling coal-eyed look of easy villainy that doesn't inspire confidence in voters. He's a male model mannequin, a Church of the SubGenius "Bob" with a Betty Bowers minivan wife straight out of RNC Central Casting, perfect for the tight-sphincter suburban honkies of the 'new' GOP. Mitt needn't worry about his Mormonism losing votes; his innate overly-ambitious assholishness will take care of that. With the Bushes help, he'll collect some big corpo money and stay afloat; between him and the rightie media, there will be enough crap spread thick to likely hand him the GOP nomination. No matter -- a toasting will await Mr. White Bread in November of '08. (Damn if writing this didn't make me hungry for some reason.)

'Second-tier' candidates:

-- Sam Brownback, US Senator from Kansas:
Has he officially announced? Yep.
What are his chances? With the country trending liberal, Brownback is a flaky neocon fossil, though not quite 6,000 years old. His 'All God No Gays' patooie may sell well enough in the GOP primaries to keep him alive past his expiration date, but the Big Money is going elsewhere. President Sam he am not.

-- Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida:
Has he officially announced? No, and he won't.
What are his chances? Unlike his older brother, Jeb reads the polls and newspapers and he knows the Bush name is the kiss of death in national politics for the foreseeable future. May be biding his time, hoping that a Dem in the Oval Office will bungle cleaning up after Dubya so badly that the stage will be set for a Jeb run in 2012, the same year, coincidentally, that the Mayans predicted the end of the world. The Bush Who Should Have Been President If Not For &*%$!@# Karl Rove (go ahead and cry, Poppy) may be content to sit back and play kingmaker behind the scenes, as he's doing with Mitt Romney. Jeb might very well be in and out of courtrooms the next few years if the Dems ever launch an investigation of the voting improprieties in Florida in 2000, 2002 and 2004. Could happen. It's said he's got a slush fund in reserve to defend himself should any such investigation take place. Mentioned as a possible VP candidate in '08, but that's just crazy talk.

-- Jim Gilmore, former Governor of Virginia:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee.
What are his chances? Gilmore is not even a distant sail in the Republican primary sunset. His 'vanity candidacy' will be over shortly and he'll go back to harassing his relatives at Thanksgiving with tales of past glory. "Pass me the rolls, Grandpa." "Here. Say, boy, did I ever tell you about the time I was Governor of Virginia and..."

-- Newt Gingrich, former US House Speaker from Georgia:
Has he officially announced? No, but he's been busy acting like he will.
What are his chances? Newt's the stain on the GOP crotch that won't dry. He's spouted so much crazy crap the last 14 years, even most Republicans think he's batty. What's left of the GOP neocons may resurrect him, furiously trying to keep their agenda alive, but the torpedoes are in the water to sink Mr. Bismarck should he head to open water in the primaries. Newt's still what he's always been: a hypocritical bore with a half-cocked leaf-blower for a mouth. It's said Bob Dole once joked Newt's House office in the 1990's was packed with filing cabinets marked "Newt's Ideas" and, in the corner on top of one cabinet, there was a small shoebox labeled "Newt's Good Ideas." The unfortunate thing about Gingrich, for Republicans, is that he mostly spouts nonsense from the filing cabinets. If he catches fire, it will only be his pants burning, and you know what causes trousers to spontaneously burst into flame.

-- Chuck Hagel, US Senator from Nebraska:
Has he officially announced? Not yet.
What are his chances? Hagel could surprise in the late rounds. His anti-Bush slaps could play well in a Republican Party that would like to return to its conservative 'small government, stay the hell out of foreign entanglements' roots. His previous connections to voting machine companies are troubling, but he seems sane at any rate. If the Classic Goldwater Conservatives wrest the GOP from Ralph Reed's Crazy Christians as is likely, Hagel's their man. Still, he's not going to win the WH in 2008 unless the Dems really screw up -- it's just not a Republican year.

-- Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee.
What are his chances? Mike Huckabee is a former Baptist Minister and was once president of the Baptist State Convention. Kinky Friedman had a good take on the Texarkana version of that Christian sect: "I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough." Huck's not the worst of the worst, but he hasn't got a prayer, even if a Republican God lived in Little Rock. Mike's lost a 100 pounds so he'll get the Weight Watchers vote, but that won't mean much in pork-belly-over-the-belt Iowa. Next stop: Late night infomercials for his new diet shake,"Good for Your Heart Huckabee's." (Yes, and the fourth word will be a heart shape.)

-- Duncan L. Hunter, US Representative from California:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee.
What are his chances? The day George Bush gets a brain and Cheney gets a heart, Hunter will get the presidency. He's rumored to be such a nasty piece of work staffers scurry in terror at his approach. Stray dogs on the street growl at him and children scream in fear. If he kissed a baby on the campaign trail, the kid would be in therapy for life. Has been mistaken for an angry Russian general and a rabid bulldog by foreign leaders. Might have a future, though, if Hollywood needs a new Ming the Merciless.

-- George Pataki, former Governor of New York:
Has he officially announced? No, but he has a couple of toes in the water.
What are his chances? He's shown up in Iowa and New Hampshire, but most of the audience were there for the free pizza rolls. "Pataki who?" should be on his bumper sticker. Not likely he'll run, but if he does, he'll be in a marathon with his shoelaces tied together. In 2008, if by some miracle he's gets the nomination, he wouldn't carry his home state of New York. Most of all, America's not ready to elect another diddle-de-dumb Republican president named 'George.'

-- Ron Paul, US Representative from Texas:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee.
What are his chances? Although I don't always agree with him, libertarian Ron Paul has some good ideas, but he's too sane to be president this time around, at least as a GOP candidate. He's another one who's not likely to go the distance, but he'd make the debates worth watching. The man is fearless and well-informed. After the Republicans revamp their party following the 2008 elections and boot out the crazies, Paul might emerge as a formidable candidate for president.

-- Tom Tancredo, US Representative from Colorado:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee.
What are his chances? If I were Tom Tancredo, I wouldn't stay in hotels or motels, or eat at restaurants without a food taster. Most of the Hispanic people he wants to jail and deport work at these places for low wages and would likely make Tom's life a living hell in a hundred different ways. Since he can't travel and campaign, it would pretty much obviate any chances he might have to be president. Well, that and his really shitty personality.

'Third-tier' candidates who actually represent the GOP 'base':

-- Dick Cheney, Vice President of the United States:
Has he officially announced? He says absolutely no, he's not running, but we all know what a liar he is.
What are his chances?Incredibly, there is a group within the GOP that really likes this guy -- he personifies all they hold dear: Profit over people, greed uber alles, the government should operate for the benefit of the wealthy and, if you don't like it, peon, go fuck yourself! Bush is the softer, gentler frontman for the Plutocracy; Cheney is its pacemakered, quadruple-bypassed heart and cat-turd soul. For these Dick lovers, nobody but the original will do, so they've formed a 'Draft Cheney' movement, and they don't mean to send the sneering old codpiece to the streets of Baghdad to drive a Humvee -- they think the most hated, deceitful and delusional Veep in US history would actually be a good president. These people are, of course, just as corrupt and sociopathic as their white-haired Mr. Potter idol, but Cheney does represent a good part of the corporate GOP base, as base as they may be. Not a chance of him running though, it would be beneath him; nope, Cheney's going to collect his profits and bunker down somewhere outside the country to dandle his ill-gotten millions on his knee, unless in the next two years BushCo cracks down and we're all wearing armbands and swearing fealty to Alberto's New World Order to protect our freedom from the terrorists.

-- Saint Michael Jesus Archangel, US Fruitcake from Michigan:
Has he officially announced? He's in it to win it, brethren and sistern.
What are his chances? Nothing wrong with this guy: The former Philip Silva, who changed his name legally in 1996, claims that he's known from boyhood that "I was God and Michael the Archangel, but I didn't dare tell anyone, not even anyone in my family because I knew that the devil, Satan, was going to try to murder Me, and indeed he did try, four separate times." He also alleges that he's a Vietnam Vet and that he once worked as an unpaid "volunteer Secret Agent for the Central Intelligence Agency." Although some may call him delusional, many of his opinions are shared by the Dominionists and the Falwell/Robertson fringe of the GOP -- he believes America should be a Christian theocracy and he calls himself a "radical conservative Republican." The only crimp in his march to the White House might be his arrest for attempted murder and other felony charges last March, which prompted the arresting officer to opine, "As a matter of fact, he is crazy. Anyone in their right mind can see that." Being a crazy accused felon, though, shouldn't be an impediment to 'St. Michael' receiving a ton of votes in the GOP primaries -- he's the logical choice of the conservative Jesus kooks. If you'd like to find out more about 'God and Michael the Archangel' (he just couldn't make up his mind), go to http://ArchangelMichael.info but be prepared to read long passages that resemble the ravings of a lunatic. He has a chance, if the Christo-fascists vote with their hearts instead of their empty heads.

-- Michael Savage, Radio Talk Show Host:
Has he officially announced? He's talking about it. Here's what he told NewsMax: "I know it sounds bizarre, but when you consider the people running for the Presidency, none seems to be qualified ... A non-politician who has a very large following, who is very conservative, and who believes in a simple message of borders, language, and culture, has a great chance of electrifying the American people." Yes, 'electrifying' -- like a cattle prod up the old wazoo.
What are his chances? Savage is as toxically nutty as a jar of recalled Peter Pan, but his opinions at least reflect the crazed right-wing bigots in the Republican Party; he's Ann Coulter with a smaller penis. Of course, he couldn't get elected dog catcher, but his appearance in the debates would force the other candidates to either disavow his crackpot ideas -- and lose votes, or dump on him -- and lose votes. A lose-lose situation, which is why the GOP Tower of Power who holds his leash will never let him run. (He'd be fired from his only source of income, his fetid radio show.) At least the former Michael Weiner's seen one thing clearly: "[The Republicans have] virtually no chance of winning right now."

Coming soon: A Tattlesnake re-review of the Dem choices.