Bush Junior: "All I Want For Christmas is My Three Front War"
Dick Cheney: "(It's Lovely Weather for a) Slay Ride"
Ann Coulter: "Goy to the World"
Rudy Giuliani: "Rudolph the Long-Nosed Reign-Deer"
Sean Hannity: "The Little War-Drummer Boy"
Mike Huckabee: "(I'm Dreaming of) White Christians"
Duncan Hunter: "Nasty the Low Man"
Joe Lieberman: "Missile Joe and Folly"
Rush Limbaugh: "Ding Dong! Merrily I'm High"
John McCain: "I'll Be Home Next Christmas"
Michael Mukasey: "My Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire..."
Rupert Murdoch: "Deck the Halls (with Bags of Money)"
Bill O'Reilly: "Do You Hear What I Hear?"
Mitt Romney: "Have Yourself a Mormon Little Christian"
Fred Thompson: "(Walking in a) Winter Blunderland"
Congressional Republicans: "A King Is Born on High"
Closeted Gay Christopublicans: "O Come All Ye Faithful"
Neocon Talk Shows: "Unsilent Right"
Wall Street Investors: "Jingo Bears"
Christmas in America, 2007
"What were you thinking letting those two stay in our barn?"
"The woman's pregnant -- she's going to have the baby any time now. What's the harm?"
"Why doesn't she go to a hospital then?"
"She can't -- the governor signed a law preventing people from other lands from using our hospitals."
"Well, I still think you made a mistake. Why don't they stay at a hotel or something?"
"They're poor -- they don't have a dime. Don't worry, they won't cause any trouble in the barn."
"That old man seems pretty shifty to me -- what if he barges in here and cuts our throats while we're sleeping?"
"I talked to him, he seems like a nice man. I doubt that's going to happen."
"That's another thing -- what is that old man doing married to that young girl?"
"That's the custom where they're from."
"Weird customs and they're flat broke. Great. Why didn't they stay home to have this baby; why are they on the road? Did it ever occur to you they're wanted by the law?"
"Would you calm down? They're just going to stay here a few days and move on. They don't seem like the criminal type."
"Oh, yeah, well, what are they going to eat while they're here?"
"We have more than we need; it won't hurt us to help them out with a little food."
"Are you going to start letting every bum you meet stay in our barn and eat our food?"
(Just then, the sound of a baby crying is heard.)
"Looks like she had the kid. I'm going to go out and get a good look at these foreigners."
"Be nice."
(Ten minutes later.)
"Do you know what she named the kid? 'Hey-Zeus.' What -- are they greeting some pagan god? What kind of weird name is that?"
"It's a common name in their land."
"And they've got three more of their bum friends out there, hanging around looking suspicious. They're dressed up pretty strange and they don't seem right to me. This might be their gang who're here to slit our throats and take our money. You'd better do something."
"I'll take a look."
(Several minutes later.)
"It's fine; just some visitors from the east here to pay their respects. They aren't going to stay long."
"Sure -- why not just bring in everyone they know and have a party!"
"Just relax -- look, the three men are leaving. Everything's fine, let's go to bed."
"I'm going to sleep with one eye open and a knife under my pillow."
"Believe me, that's not necessary."
"What if these people like it here? What if they decide to stay and live here, taking our jobs and sending their kids to our schools? Do you want to pay for all that? Our taxes are high enough as it is!"
"So, they'll work and earn their way and pay their taxes, just like we did when we started out."
"You're really stupid. You don't understand these foreigners, they aren't like us -- all they want to do is sit around and get high and have kids and live on welfare."
"That's what they said about your grandfather when he moved here."
"That was different; he was a religious man with faith and a hard worker."
"I have a feeling these folks are, too."
"If they were, they would have thought about how they were going to support this kid before they had it."
"Not everyone is as fortunate as you."
"That's too bad for them.""Merry Christmas to you, too."
"Are you being sarcastic again?"
"Are you?"
[End]
Showing posts with label 2008 election. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2008 election. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Thursday, September 06, 2007
The Larry Craig Saga: The GOP Thing That Won't Go Away
Incredibly, the 'Spud Stud' Now Makes Noises Like He's Going to Stay in the Senate
"He sounded almost as convincing as, 'I did not have sex with that woman.'"
-- Gary Bauer, referring to Larry Craig's speech on August 28th where he denied that he was gay, as quoted by The New York Times, August 29, 2007.
September 4, 2007 -- Potato State Republican Sen. Larry Craig, after supposedly resigning on Sept. 1st, is now giving the public whiplash by implying he might stay in the Senate, based on some mumblings by Sen. Arlen "Magic Bullet" Specter (R-Ding Dong), to the effect that he didn't think Craig should quit his office on a misdemeanor charge.
Do you ever get the feeling that the GOP is as suicidal as a Baghdad car bomber? Let's examine the various problems for the Republicans if Craig decides to 'tough it out' and retain his Senate seat until 2009:
-- If you read the transcript of the interview between arresting officer Sgt. Dave Karsnia and Craig, where 'Wide Stance' tries to pawn off his various bathroom stall motions -- staring into Karsnia's stall in the opening between the door and the frame; playing footsy with the cop; reaching into Karsnia's stall for a piece of toilet paper -- as innocent and misinterpreted by the cop, you'll hear Karsnia's reaction, which boils down to "You're sitting here lying to a police officer." Sure, the right-wing noise machine may try to paint Karsnia as some kind of Dem Gore-lover, but the fact is, he has a picture on his desk of him proudly shaking hands with Dick Cheney when the police sergeant received an officer of the year commendation in 2003. Right-wingers perpetually flap jaw about their love of law enforcement. In this 'he said-he said' encounter, they're either going to have to believe the cop or Craig. If they back Craig, they're saying this officer is either lying or incompetent, and they may hear some grumblings from disgruntled law enforcement groups. Do they really want to go there? Besides, if it was all so innocent, why did he plead guilty, even to a reduced charge?
-- It's only a matter of time before one of Craig's other public restroom romances comes to light. Just as Ted Haggard was outed by male prostitute Mike Jones, the other shoe to drop in this case would be one of the three anonymous men who have admitted to having sex with Craig in men's rooms going public. One is said to be a prominent Republican. A man with a name and a face saying he had sex with Lar in public restrooms would finally sink Craig and indelibly damage what little credibility the GOP has left. Paging Gary Hart!
-- The best gift the GOP could give the Dems would be to let Craig hang in there until 2009, whether he runs for reelection in 2008 or not. Larry's seriously damaged goods and his presence in the Senate will be a reminder of the hypocrisy and sleaziness of the Republican Party. The GOP even risks losing a reliable Red State seat due to Craig's obstinate ego.
Side Note: I have yet to hear the Big Media carp about the GOP being in disarray and the Republican leadership toothless, as they inevitably do when a Democrat does something outrageous and refuses to resign for the good of the party, such as Rep. William Jefferson and his illicit $90,000 freezer bank.
I wonder, after this close-up encounter with GOP hypocrisy and deceit, Sgt. Karsnia will ditch the picture of him and Vice President Shotgun on his desk; I wonder if he'll ever vote Republican again.
Karsnia had it dead right, when he responded to Craig's arrogant attempts at deception by disgustedly remarking, "No wonder why we're going down the tubes."
Indeed, he had met one of the plumbers laying the pipe, so to speak.
==============
As GOP Runs From Larry the Lout, They Now Must Face Their Own 'Stall Tactics'
"No political church, no nobility, no royalty or other fraud, can face ridicule in a fair field and live."
-- Mark Twain
August 31, 2007 -- In a swirl of recent events that started with the advertised evacuation of Turd Blossom Rove from the White House Inner Circle today to spend more time annoying his family, and continued with the wiping of Alberto Gonzales from the Justice Department AG's office, has culminated in self-righteous Idaho prig Sen. Larry Craig flushing what's left of Republican credibility straight -- or not, as the case may be -- down the drain.
His absurd tale of inhuman feats of contortion in a Minneapolis airport restroom -- sticking his foot into another man's stall and desperately pursuing a piece of toilet paper with his hand in the same stall, all the while allegedly heeding the call of nature -- is worthy of the Rose Mary Woods Improbable Physical Achievement Award. Next we'll hear that his Stupid Human Bathroom Tricks were merely rehearsal for his job with a carnival freak show, perhaps the only place that will employ him after he resigns in disgrace from the Senate next week. (Don't feel too bad for Lar -- he'll still get his munificent retirement benefits from his terms in the House and Senate, courtesy of us sucke -- er, taxpayers.)
Incidentally, you remember Woods, Nixon's secretary who took the blame for some of the infamous 18 1/2-minute gap on one of Dick's Watergate tapes, even to the point of re-enacting for the media the awkward Twister position she would have had to maintain for nearly twenty minutes to erase the tape. Just looking at her was enough to induce a hernia. Nobody believed Woods' ludicrous story then; nobody believes Craig's nonsense now.
Added to all of the other putrid effluvium gushing out of the GOP sewer pipe these days, from the broken-float Porcelain God in the White House on down, the Craig cringer comes as the clincher, that golden moment; a point of no return from which, strain as they might, the hilariously hypocritical and routinely deceitful Republicans can't recover -- moving the party from the realm of the simply awful to the awfully ridiculous. As GOP campaign mentato Scott Reed was quoted on Aug. 29th, noting the Craig scandal:
"The real question for Republicans in Washington is how low can you go, because we are approaching a level of ridiculousness. You can't make this stuff up. And the impact this is having on the grass-roots around the country is devastating. Republicans think the governing class in Washington are a bunch of buffoons who have total disregard for the principles of the party, the law of the land and the future of the country."
Indeed, it seems Mr. Reed has blundered into the truth, except the 'level of ridiculousness' has been passed; the Republicans are now in full-bore fright-wig Emmett Kelly mode, their constant stream of excuse and piety sounding like so many horn honks from a clown car to the average schlub and schlubette. Oh, the Big Media (BM) and the Punditocracy still treats the rogue elephant act and its ringmasters with some amount of respect, but out there in the retail seats the overflowing GOP cesspool inspires only rude punchlines or ruddy-faced anger.
If the Comedy King of Crapola and his Devoted Dissemblers can hold office for another 16 months, Pat Robertson can claim a miracle, but it won't be due to any help from the Republicans in Congress, gradually coming to realize that the retiring Rove, with his obsessive appeals to religious cranks for votes and manifest White House incompetence, has left them with a red rubber nose and little else to run on.
More than any other issue, the next election is shaping up to be about the Sleaze Factor, a distinct disadvantage to those who wear an 'R' after their names. Hill-Billery may have her drawbacks, but none of them involve playing footsy in a men's room for sex or coercing underage boys into iniquity. Such subjects give deep pause to the very Values Voters Count Karlo has been assiduously cultivating for the past ten years -- the core of his down-the-tubes strategy for maintaining a permanent GOP majority.
The cantankerous fundamentalist Christians might very well stay home in disgust next election while independent wafflers, not overjoyed with Sen. Clinton or the quivering Dems, but appalled at the staggering stench from the backed-up Republican septic tank, cast their votes against the cynical Party of Public Morality and Private Hypocrisy.
Fred Thompson, that shy political pornographer of the right, has flashed his supporters again that he will finally lose his presidential virginity in early September and officially become a member of the cast of They Were Expendable. Reagan Number Two, dive right in -- and try not to swallow the backwash as you sink into the landslide mud of the malodorous Republican scum who came before you.
"The Christian view that all intercourse outside marriage is immoral was, as we see in ... passages from St. Paul, based upon the view that all sexual intercourse, even within marriage, is regrettable. A view of this sort, which goes against biological facts, can only be regarded by sane people as a morbid aberration. The fact that it is embedded in Christian ethics has made Christianity throughout its whole history a force tending towards mental disorders and unwholesome views of life."
-- Bertrand Russell
"The Christian Right is Neither."
-- Bumper sticker cited by John McCain's Campaign in 2000.
"The phone number of Senator David Vitter (R., La.), an advocate of family
values and of Rudolph Giuliani, was found on the client list of Deborah Jeane Palfrey, who is accused of running a Washington, D.C., area prostitution ring." [...]
"Florida State Representative Bob Allen (R., Merritt Island) was arrested for offering to perform an unspecified sex act on an undercover police officer for $20."
-- Sam Stark, Myth: Republicans value sexual morality
"He sounded almost as convincing as, 'I did not have sex with that woman.'"
-- Gary Bauer, referring to Larry Craig's speech on August 28th where he denied that he was gay, as quoted by The New York Times, August 29, 2007.
September 4, 2007 -- Potato State Republican Sen. Larry Craig, after supposedly resigning on Sept. 1st, is now giving the public whiplash by implying he might stay in the Senate, based on some mumblings by Sen. Arlen "Magic Bullet" Specter (R-Ding Dong), to the effect that he didn't think Craig should quit his office on a misdemeanor charge.
Do you ever get the feeling that the GOP is as suicidal as a Baghdad car bomber? Let's examine the various problems for the Republicans if Craig decides to 'tough it out' and retain his Senate seat until 2009:
-- If you read the transcript of the interview between arresting officer Sgt. Dave Karsnia and Craig, where 'Wide Stance' tries to pawn off his various bathroom stall motions -- staring into Karsnia's stall in the opening between the door and the frame; playing footsy with the cop; reaching into Karsnia's stall for a piece of toilet paper -- as innocent and misinterpreted by the cop, you'll hear Karsnia's reaction, which boils down to "You're sitting here lying to a police officer." Sure, the right-wing noise machine may try to paint Karsnia as some kind of Dem Gore-lover, but the fact is, he has a picture on his desk of him proudly shaking hands with Dick Cheney when the police sergeant received an officer of the year commendation in 2003. Right-wingers perpetually flap jaw about their love of law enforcement. In this 'he said-he said' encounter, they're either going to have to believe the cop or Craig. If they back Craig, they're saying this officer is either lying or incompetent, and they may hear some grumblings from disgruntled law enforcement groups. Do they really want to go there? Besides, if it was all so innocent, why did he plead guilty, even to a reduced charge?
-- It's only a matter of time before one of Craig's other public restroom romances comes to light. Just as Ted Haggard was outed by male prostitute Mike Jones, the other shoe to drop in this case would be one of the three anonymous men who have admitted to having sex with Craig in men's rooms going public. One is said to be a prominent Republican. A man with a name and a face saying he had sex with Lar in public restrooms would finally sink Craig and indelibly damage what little credibility the GOP has left. Paging Gary Hart!
-- The best gift the GOP could give the Dems would be to let Craig hang in there until 2009, whether he runs for reelection in 2008 or not. Larry's seriously damaged goods and his presence in the Senate will be a reminder of the hypocrisy and sleaziness of the Republican Party. The GOP even risks losing a reliable Red State seat due to Craig's obstinate ego.
Side Note: I have yet to hear the Big Media carp about the GOP being in disarray and the Republican leadership toothless, as they inevitably do when a Democrat does something outrageous and refuses to resign for the good of the party, such as Rep. William Jefferson and his illicit $90,000 freezer bank.
I wonder, after this close-up encounter with GOP hypocrisy and deceit, Sgt. Karsnia will ditch the picture of him and Vice President Shotgun on his desk; I wonder if he'll ever vote Republican again.
Karsnia had it dead right, when he responded to Craig's arrogant attempts at deception by disgustedly remarking, "No wonder why we're going down the tubes."
Indeed, he had met one of the plumbers laying the pipe, so to speak.
==============
As GOP Runs From Larry the Lout, They Now Must Face Their Own 'Stall Tactics'
"No political church, no nobility, no royalty or other fraud, can face ridicule in a fair field and live."
-- Mark Twain
August 31, 2007 -- In a swirl of recent events that started with the advertised evacuation of Turd Blossom Rove from the White House Inner Circle today to spend more time annoying his family, and continued with the wiping of Alberto Gonzales from the Justice Department AG's office, has culminated in self-righteous Idaho prig Sen. Larry Craig flushing what's left of Republican credibility straight -- or not, as the case may be -- down the drain.
His absurd tale of inhuman feats of contortion in a Minneapolis airport restroom -- sticking his foot into another man's stall and desperately pursuing a piece of toilet paper with his hand in the same stall, all the while allegedly heeding the call of nature -- is worthy of the Rose Mary Woods Improbable Physical Achievement Award. Next we'll hear that his Stupid Human Bathroom Tricks were merely rehearsal for his job with a carnival freak show, perhaps the only place that will employ him after he resigns in disgrace from the Senate next week. (Don't feel too bad for Lar -- he'll still get his munificent retirement benefits from his terms in the House and Senate, courtesy of us sucke -- er, taxpayers.)
Incidentally, you remember Woods, Nixon's secretary who took the blame for some of the infamous 18 1/2-minute gap on one of Dick's Watergate tapes, even to the point of re-enacting for the media the awkward Twister position she would have had to maintain for nearly twenty minutes to erase the tape. Just looking at her was enough to induce a hernia. Nobody believed Woods' ludicrous story then; nobody believes Craig's nonsense now.
Added to all of the other putrid effluvium gushing out of the GOP sewer pipe these days, from the broken-float Porcelain God in the White House on down, the Craig cringer comes as the clincher, that golden moment; a point of no return from which, strain as they might, the hilariously hypocritical and routinely deceitful Republicans can't recover -- moving the party from the realm of the simply awful to the awfully ridiculous. As GOP campaign mentato Scott Reed was quoted on Aug. 29th, noting the Craig scandal:
"The real question for Republicans in Washington is how low can you go, because we are approaching a level of ridiculousness. You can't make this stuff up. And the impact this is having on the grass-roots around the country is devastating. Republicans think the governing class in Washington are a bunch of buffoons who have total disregard for the principles of the party, the law of the land and the future of the country."
Indeed, it seems Mr. Reed has blundered into the truth, except the 'level of ridiculousness' has been passed; the Republicans are now in full-bore fright-wig Emmett Kelly mode, their constant stream of excuse and piety sounding like so many horn honks from a clown car to the average schlub and schlubette. Oh, the Big Media (BM) and the Punditocracy still treats the rogue elephant act and its ringmasters with some amount of respect, but out there in the retail seats the overflowing GOP cesspool inspires only rude punchlines or ruddy-faced anger.
If the Comedy King of Crapola and his Devoted Dissemblers can hold office for another 16 months, Pat Robertson can claim a miracle, but it won't be due to any help from the Republicans in Congress, gradually coming to realize that the retiring Rove, with his obsessive appeals to religious cranks for votes and manifest White House incompetence, has left them with a red rubber nose and little else to run on.
More than any other issue, the next election is shaping up to be about the Sleaze Factor, a distinct disadvantage to those who wear an 'R' after their names. Hill-Billery may have her drawbacks, but none of them involve playing footsy in a men's room for sex or coercing underage boys into iniquity. Such subjects give deep pause to the very Values Voters Count Karlo has been assiduously cultivating for the past ten years -- the core of his down-the-tubes strategy for maintaining a permanent GOP majority.
The cantankerous fundamentalist Christians might very well stay home in disgust next election while independent wafflers, not overjoyed with Sen. Clinton or the quivering Dems, but appalled at the staggering stench from the backed-up Republican septic tank, cast their votes against the cynical Party of Public Morality and Private Hypocrisy.
Fred Thompson, that shy political pornographer of the right, has flashed his supporters again that he will finally lose his presidential virginity in early September and officially become a member of the cast of They Were Expendable. Reagan Number Two, dive right in -- and try not to swallow the backwash as you sink into the landslide mud of the malodorous Republican scum who came before you.
"The Christian view that all intercourse outside marriage is immoral was, as we see in ... passages from St. Paul, based upon the view that all sexual intercourse, even within marriage, is regrettable. A view of this sort, which goes against biological facts, can only be regarded by sane people as a morbid aberration. The fact that it is embedded in Christian ethics has made Christianity throughout its whole history a force tending towards mental disorders and unwholesome views of life."
-- Bertrand Russell
"The Christian Right is Neither."
-- Bumper sticker cited by John McCain's Campaign in 2000.
"The phone number of Senator David Vitter (R., La.), an advocate of family
values and of Rudolph Giuliani, was found on the client list of Deborah Jeane Palfrey, who is accused of running a Washington, D.C., area prostitution ring." [...]
"Florida State Representative Bob Allen (R., Merritt Island) was arrested for offering to perform an unspecified sex act on an undercover police officer for $20."
-- Sam Stark, Myth: Republicans value sexual morality
Saturday, April 28, 2007
The Dem Debates Edition
First Impression Surgical Strike on the Dem Debates of April 26th.
In Alphabetical Order:
Joe Biden
How'd He Do? Better than expected, but that's like saying that leaky tire with the nail stuck in it held on for one more day. He got the biggest laugh of the night for replying to a question from Big Brain Williams asking if he would refrain from his usual gaffe-prone verbosity as president with the one word answer "Yes," but there's another question that hangs over his head like a perpetual thought balloon: "Why Am I Running?" Yep, maybe it's just sheer vanity and his last chance -- the man loves the spotlight -- and maybe he's positioning himself as an attractive Veep pick for, say, a woman or black man who might want to 'balance' the ticket with a graying white male turd, but there are plenty of those around from states with more Electoral College heft, so it isn't going to be Delaware's own Sen. Biden.
His Biggest Problem: He has a few good ideas that he picked up from liberal bloggers four years ago, but he has no constituency. Ask around for yourself: Find any Biden lovers out there? Neither anti-war nor moderate Dem primary voters think he's anything more than an affable DC gas bag, and there was a comic C-SPAN turn in Iowa recently when Non-Smoking Joe was stumbling around a restaurant pestering the lunchtime crowd with his happy-ass dithering and attempts at groping; it was plain that most of the people were thinking "Who the fuck is this idiot?" as Biden debased himself for fleeting handshakes, while diners stared at him as if he had an open fly with a "BANG!" flag hanging out of it. In the Q&A session, there was a long minute of embarrassing silence as no one had a thing to ask Mr. Nobody Who's Not Getting Elected to Anything until Othar the Blind started asking himself questions. Staring into my Kriswell Kristal Kube, I predict he will be the first one to quit the race, sometime this summer.
Hillary Clinton
How'd She Do? She didn't do herself any harm; she didn't do herself any good. One point: She's still using the wrong end of the thermometer on the health care issue; this time around she's not going to make the same mistakes she made 14 years ago, but then she went on to say she was -- she's going to negotiate with Big Pharma and Big Healtho so that they get their cut of the deal. Hillary didn't learn from the first time that you can't invite the fox (or Fox, if you prefer) in to make rules for the hens. Until she realizes that, all of her health care plans are a sick joke that won't solve the problem.
Her Biggest Problem: Forget the Clintonian calculation or triangulation slaps -- that bloat is common to all politicians -- what's really jarring about Hillary, and something she can't cure, is her disgruntled Midwestern school marm mien. She's Donna Reed if George Bailey had never been born. There's just a dripping sourness in her voice, combined with the dull edge of a disappointed razor blade, poised in mid-air above an unslit wrist -- "God! Bill had all the fun!" -- and the frowny "you got another D this report card, buster" downturned mouth. Subconsciously, I think most voters are put off by this, slightly afraid of her calling their parents if they get out of line. And this is not a gender-based estimation: John Anderson, who ran for president in 1980, had the same pinched mug of a disillusioned academic who had just finished explaining in detail the science supporting the theory of evolution to a class at Messiah College. Another frustrated pol with an itchy trigger finger for that snub-nose nestled in the bottom desk drawer at home. One bullet in the temple and all these bleating morons go away forever. Not that she's actually suicidal, but that's the downbeat persona Hillary brings to the table and why she's losing ground. Americans want their War President's optimistic and cheery when they order the bombing of innocent foreigners, not someone who looks like she's attending the funeral before she's been elected. She has the bankroll to stick it out to the bitter end, and she will, but the bloom is off this former member of the Rose Law firm and the petals are withering.
Christopher Dodd
How'd He Do? He -- ahem -- 'Doddered.' The Senator is a caterpillar-eyebrowed New Englander one home sale away from a Century 21 blazer, or maybe playing the Gorton's fisherman -- "Avast! These fish sticks are mighty tasty! Yarrr!" -- apparently only in politics because it's the family business. He doesn't disagree with Ms. Hillary or the Big O in any substantial way, so one can only assume his candidacy is a set-up for a Veep nod. It's not that he's bad, he's just forgettable as hell. If you went to a movie with Chris, don't go out for popcorn because you'll never find him again. Chances for the No. 2 slot? Hey, Connecticut's already a Blue State.
His Biggest Problem: Like Biden, he has no constituency. His positions are all safe, solid, well-reasoned and...oh, I'm sorry, did I nod off? Sorry, Chris, back to the whale boat -- the presidential yacht is not for you, not even the Veep's dinghy. Out by next fall, following hard on Biden's retreating footsteps.
John Edwards
How'd He Do? Worse than expected. For a 'Trial Lawyer' who's had a few years to prepare, you'd think he'd have some ready answers, yet he hesitated at times, and not in the studious way that might impress an audience that he's seriously considering the question. Nope, it seemed Johnny saw the headlights and froze. When asked about a moral leader who had inspired him, Kerry's Veep Sacrifice swallowed hard and the clock ticked until he came up with "Well, the Lord, who I pray to every day..." Pray for some poise and a new speechwriter, knucklehead.
His Biggest Problem: Handsome? Check. Personable? Check. Good with crowds? Check. On the right side of the issues? Check. Good bio? Check. Articulate? Usually. So why can't he get more signatures on the bottom line? Here's why: too much 'Southern Honey.' That Dixie Charm can be a mighty potent force in politics -- as we've seen with Clinton and even fake Texan Bush -- but it works against Edwards, probably because of his clean-cut Hollywood features. John F. Kennedy had this problem early on in his bid for the presidency; Nixon-friendly stooges tried to cast him as an empty-headed 'pretty boy' too vain and vacuous to be the Chief Executive. JFK struck back with his PT-109 war-hero record and won the day. JE has no combat medals to dull the Breck Girl shine, and he's stuck in a third-place rut. Ironically, in a race that contains a flaxen-haired woman, he's been designated the 'Dumb Blonde.' While Hillary may be blonde, she's no dummy, and neither is Edwards. But the Mighty Rightie Wurlitzer of Sleaze is tuning up to key the former senator as a wishy-washy lightweight without the 'right stuff' to be CinC. [The Jay Leno jokes have already commenced.] If Johnny doesn't grow some metaphorical chest hair soon and start landing some punches, the neoconnery are going to succeed in, as the phrase goes, 'emasculating' him. Wouldn't hurt to loosen up and show a sense of humor, either, Mr. E.
Incidental Note: You're paying $400 for that haircut? Hint: save your money; you can get the same thing at BoRics for twenty-five bucks with tip.
Mike Gravel
How'd He Do? Much better than expected. Although his words sometimes needed a little interpretation -- "Who are we afraid of?!?" -- you couldn't beat the old coot for speaking straight and clear. A shame it couldn't be arranged for Biden, Edwards, Dodd, and Richardson to get stuck in an elevator for an hour at the next debate and free Alaska Pike Mike and Denny the K to toss roundhouse rights at Hillary and Obama. Now THAT would be a debate worth watching!
His Biggest Problem: He's Cranky Grandpa at every family function, half crocked on Jim Beam, telling the kiddies, "Don't listen to your Dad -- he never knows what the hell he's talking about!" and then asking pre-teen Bud to pour him fresh one. "Dad," Mom's pained voice rings out from the kitchen, "For God's sake, don't make the kids get you a drink!" "Har, har, it'll make a man of him -- or a good bartender, the little shit! Har, har, har!" Yes, Gravel is that guy, right down to his baggy suspicious-of-all-the-crap eyes and the thumb on his nose waving at all the humbuggery and tomfoolery. Mike's about one hip surgery away from the I Don't Give A Fuck Anymore nursing home and he doesn't have any illusions regarding his chances of getting elected. He's in it for some fun and to go out in a blaze of crusty rhetorical glory as the overloaded handbasket nears the eternal depths, "I told them all at that goddamned debate what needed to be done but did they listen? NO! The hell with them! When's lunch at this goddamned joint?" God bless him; keep sluggin', Mike.
Dennis Kucinich
How'd He Do? You have to love a man who carries a bound pocket copy of the Constitution on him and can quote from it. Between him and Gravel, these are the only two candidates who deserve to be in this race. He isn't just echoing Hillary or pulling on Barack's sleeve. Kucinich actually has some bold new ideas -- like universal single-payer health coverage that cuts out the HMO-Big Pharma Corpocracy, impeaching Cheney and withdrawing from Iraq -- that diverge from the two Dem front-runners. Maybe he can't win, but I hope he stays in it all the way, if nothing else than to keep the Big Guns honest and give the public a glance at a real progressive.
His Biggest Problem: He has a tendency to go a little too 'folksy.' In last night's debate he went on about buying a house for $22.5 thou years ago to prove he was a member of the middle-class, and it overshadowed the important point he was making. Also, he should stop singing during speeches. He may not be 'electable' in 2008, but fifteen years from now all of the solutions Denny the K is talking about -- the things that are casually dismissed by the cynical know-it-all punditry -- will be the law of the land or else we'll be a dictatorship with a gutted third-world economy.
By the by, call me sexist but -- Mine Gott what a gorgeous wife he has! Talk about statuesque! She's enough to tempt any elfish monk to quit the monastery and devote himself to a life of idle lust. Unfortunately, she married Dennis, who's married to politics. Still, I hope he doesn't give himself a heart attack trying to service both loves in his life. Big applause for one of the few members of Congress who shows up to do his job.
Barack Obama
How'd He Do? The Black Knight of Progressivism put on a serviceable, solid performance, no loss, no gain. He exhibited the calm gravitas of a leader, and the grown-up ability, which we've almost forgotten from six years of the Immature Mental Midget of Midland, to think in 'nuance' and consider different aspects of a problem before arriving at a decision. Idiot Republicans consider this a sign of weakness and vacillation but, then, look at the shape we're in from their 'Decider's' quick gut solutions. It's too bad Keith Olbermann didn't have a sock handy to stuff into post-debate coverage colleague Chris Matthews' mouth when he repeated for the sixth time that Obama was 'sophisticated.' (Somebody buy the Screamer a thesaurus, for cripes sake.) Analysis by Big Brain Williams, Andrea "Mrs. Greenspan" Mitchell and Tucker "Rhymes With..." Carlson were all good excuses to visit the bathroom or cop a snack. Actually -- and I'm going to hate myself for saying this -- Joe Scarborough made the most sense of all of them except Keith.
His Biggest Problem: The hubris of the front-runner, although he has yet to officially achieve that status. In less than six months this political ICBM has closed a thirty point-plus gap with Hillary and is now within striking distance of taking the lead. He's also on par in money with Sen. Clinton and everything's going his way while she's fading. This is where smart campaign managers tend to tighten their sphincters and advise their candidates to play it safe and coast. That's also the end of the line for many candidates as people get tired of hearing strained-through-focus-groups opinions and the same retread speeches, especially in this volatile election year. Obama can nail it all, if he can maintain his integrity and his wits that have attracted voters of every color and ethnicity to his bandwagon, against the odds. We need a new FDR and Obama could evolve into that, but not by treading water in the shallow end of the pool. The GOP is on the run; if he stays strong and keeps on the hunt, Obama will bring about a landslide in November of 2008 and a turn to populist progressivism that hasn't been seen since 1944's Economic Bill of Rights. The country's ripe for it and Obama could be its standard-bearer.
Bill Richardson
How'd He Do? He looked like he was drunk. (Listen, this isn't to condemn the man: even The Tattlesnake needs a few pops sometimes before appearing in front of large crowds.) Still and all, it's probably not a good idea to show up at a presidential debate with a pint of Who-Hit-John in your raincoat and your back teeth floating. Bill made a few good points, but I was waiting for him to start projectile vomiting any second. ("Sorry, Brian, I guess it was something I -- hey, look, a kitty!") In the post-debate interview on MSNBC, he seemed to be having trouble getting his mouth to move in synch with his fuzzy tongue as a jazz band wailed in the background.
His Biggest Problem: Governor, as one tippler to another, I salute you, but I don't think Norman Rockwell's America is ready for Egbert Souse as president yet. (A tragedy.) Although having a president who could drink Harding under the table is an attractive idea, especially after six years of an alleged Born Again Teetotaler, the media would pounce all over you the first time you passed out drunk on the White House lawn, the Self-Righteous Bluenosed Yuppies. Seriously, there's nothing wrong with Richardson, except he labors in Dodd's shadow. And, Bill, don't go thinking anyone's going to dangle that Veep keychain before your bloodshot eyes either. Nada for you. Kriswell says...out by fall.
In Alphabetical Order:
Joe Biden
How'd He Do? Better than expected, but that's like saying that leaky tire with the nail stuck in it held on for one more day. He got the biggest laugh of the night for replying to a question from Big Brain Williams asking if he would refrain from his usual gaffe-prone verbosity as president with the one word answer "Yes," but there's another question that hangs over his head like a perpetual thought balloon: "Why Am I Running?" Yep, maybe it's just sheer vanity and his last chance -- the man loves the spotlight -- and maybe he's positioning himself as an attractive Veep pick for, say, a woman or black man who might want to 'balance' the ticket with a graying white male turd, but there are plenty of those around from states with more Electoral College heft, so it isn't going to be Delaware's own Sen. Biden.
His Biggest Problem: He has a few good ideas that he picked up from liberal bloggers four years ago, but he has no constituency. Ask around for yourself: Find any Biden lovers out there? Neither anti-war nor moderate Dem primary voters think he's anything more than an affable DC gas bag, and there was a comic C-SPAN turn in Iowa recently when Non-Smoking Joe was stumbling around a restaurant pestering the lunchtime crowd with his happy-ass dithering and attempts at groping; it was plain that most of the people were thinking "Who the fuck is this idiot?" as Biden debased himself for fleeting handshakes, while diners stared at him as if he had an open fly with a "BANG!" flag hanging out of it. In the Q&A session, there was a long minute of embarrassing silence as no one had a thing to ask Mr. Nobody Who's Not Getting Elected to Anything until Othar the Blind started asking himself questions. Staring into my Kriswell Kristal Kube, I predict he will be the first one to quit the race, sometime this summer.
Hillary Clinton
How'd She Do? She didn't do herself any harm; she didn't do herself any good. One point: She's still using the wrong end of the thermometer on the health care issue; this time around she's not going to make the same mistakes she made 14 years ago, but then she went on to say she was -- she's going to negotiate with Big Pharma and Big Healtho so that they get their cut of the deal. Hillary didn't learn from the first time that you can't invite the fox (or Fox, if you prefer) in to make rules for the hens. Until she realizes that, all of her health care plans are a sick joke that won't solve the problem.
Her Biggest Problem: Forget the Clintonian calculation or triangulation slaps -- that bloat is common to all politicians -- what's really jarring about Hillary, and something she can't cure, is her disgruntled Midwestern school marm mien. She's Donna Reed if George Bailey had never been born. There's just a dripping sourness in her voice, combined with the dull edge of a disappointed razor blade, poised in mid-air above an unslit wrist -- "God! Bill had all the fun!" -- and the frowny "you got another D this report card, buster" downturned mouth. Subconsciously, I think most voters are put off by this, slightly afraid of her calling their parents if they get out of line. And this is not a gender-based estimation: John Anderson, who ran for president in 1980, had the same pinched mug of a disillusioned academic who had just finished explaining in detail the science supporting the theory of evolution to a class at Messiah College. Another frustrated pol with an itchy trigger finger for that snub-nose nestled in the bottom desk drawer at home. One bullet in the temple and all these bleating morons go away forever. Not that she's actually suicidal, but that's the downbeat persona Hillary brings to the table and why she's losing ground. Americans want their War President's optimistic and cheery when they order the bombing of innocent foreigners, not someone who looks like she's attending the funeral before she's been elected. She has the bankroll to stick it out to the bitter end, and she will, but the bloom is off this former member of the Rose Law firm and the petals are withering.
Christopher Dodd
How'd He Do? He -- ahem -- 'Doddered.' The Senator is a caterpillar-eyebrowed New Englander one home sale away from a Century 21 blazer, or maybe playing the Gorton's fisherman -- "Avast! These fish sticks are mighty tasty! Yarrr!" -- apparently only in politics because it's the family business. He doesn't disagree with Ms. Hillary or the Big O in any substantial way, so one can only assume his candidacy is a set-up for a Veep nod. It's not that he's bad, he's just forgettable as hell. If you went to a movie with Chris, don't go out for popcorn because you'll never find him again. Chances for the No. 2 slot? Hey, Connecticut's already a Blue State.
His Biggest Problem: Like Biden, he has no constituency. His positions are all safe, solid, well-reasoned and...oh, I'm sorry, did I nod off? Sorry, Chris, back to the whale boat -- the presidential yacht is not for you, not even the Veep's dinghy. Out by next fall, following hard on Biden's retreating footsteps.
John Edwards
How'd He Do? Worse than expected. For a 'Trial Lawyer' who's had a few years to prepare, you'd think he'd have some ready answers, yet he hesitated at times, and not in the studious way that might impress an audience that he's seriously considering the question. Nope, it seemed Johnny saw the headlights and froze. When asked about a moral leader who had inspired him, Kerry's Veep Sacrifice swallowed hard and the clock ticked until he came up with "Well, the Lord, who I pray to every day..." Pray for some poise and a new speechwriter, knucklehead.
His Biggest Problem: Handsome? Check. Personable? Check. Good with crowds? Check. On the right side of the issues? Check. Good bio? Check. Articulate? Usually. So why can't he get more signatures on the bottom line? Here's why: too much 'Southern Honey.' That Dixie Charm can be a mighty potent force in politics -- as we've seen with Clinton and even fake Texan Bush -- but it works against Edwards, probably because of his clean-cut Hollywood features. John F. Kennedy had this problem early on in his bid for the presidency; Nixon-friendly stooges tried to cast him as an empty-headed 'pretty boy' too vain and vacuous to be the Chief Executive. JFK struck back with his PT-109 war-hero record and won the day. JE has no combat medals to dull the Breck Girl shine, and he's stuck in a third-place rut. Ironically, in a race that contains a flaxen-haired woman, he's been designated the 'Dumb Blonde.' While Hillary may be blonde, she's no dummy, and neither is Edwards. But the Mighty Rightie Wurlitzer of Sleaze is tuning up to key the former senator as a wishy-washy lightweight without the 'right stuff' to be CinC. [The Jay Leno jokes have already commenced.] If Johnny doesn't grow some metaphorical chest hair soon and start landing some punches, the neoconnery are going to succeed in, as the phrase goes, 'emasculating' him. Wouldn't hurt to loosen up and show a sense of humor, either, Mr. E.
Incidental Note: You're paying $400 for that haircut? Hint: save your money; you can get the same thing at BoRics for twenty-five bucks with tip.
Mike Gravel
How'd He Do? Much better than expected. Although his words sometimes needed a little interpretation -- "Who are we afraid of?!?" -- you couldn't beat the old coot for speaking straight and clear. A shame it couldn't be arranged for Biden, Edwards, Dodd, and Richardson to get stuck in an elevator for an hour at the next debate and free Alaska Pike Mike and Denny the K to toss roundhouse rights at Hillary and Obama. Now THAT would be a debate worth watching!
His Biggest Problem: He's Cranky Grandpa at every family function, half crocked on Jim Beam, telling the kiddies, "Don't listen to your Dad -- he never knows what the hell he's talking about!" and then asking pre-teen Bud to pour him fresh one. "Dad," Mom's pained voice rings out from the kitchen, "For God's sake, don't make the kids get you a drink!" "Har, har, it'll make a man of him -- or a good bartender, the little shit! Har, har, har!" Yes, Gravel is that guy, right down to his baggy suspicious-of-all-the-crap eyes and the thumb on his nose waving at all the humbuggery and tomfoolery. Mike's about one hip surgery away from the I Don't Give A Fuck Anymore nursing home and he doesn't have any illusions regarding his chances of getting elected. He's in it for some fun and to go out in a blaze of crusty rhetorical glory as the overloaded handbasket nears the eternal depths, "I told them all at that goddamned debate what needed to be done but did they listen? NO! The hell with them! When's lunch at this goddamned joint?" God bless him; keep sluggin', Mike.
Dennis Kucinich
How'd He Do? You have to love a man who carries a bound pocket copy of the Constitution on him and can quote from it. Between him and Gravel, these are the only two candidates who deserve to be in this race. He isn't just echoing Hillary or pulling on Barack's sleeve. Kucinich actually has some bold new ideas -- like universal single-payer health coverage that cuts out the HMO-Big Pharma Corpocracy, impeaching Cheney and withdrawing from Iraq -- that diverge from the two Dem front-runners. Maybe he can't win, but I hope he stays in it all the way, if nothing else than to keep the Big Guns honest and give the public a glance at a real progressive.
His Biggest Problem: He has a tendency to go a little too 'folksy.' In last night's debate he went on about buying a house for $22.5 thou years ago to prove he was a member of the middle-class, and it overshadowed the important point he was making. Also, he should stop singing during speeches. He may not be 'electable' in 2008, but fifteen years from now all of the solutions Denny the K is talking about -- the things that are casually dismissed by the cynical know-it-all punditry -- will be the law of the land or else we'll be a dictatorship with a gutted third-world economy.
By the by, call me sexist but -- Mine Gott what a gorgeous wife he has! Talk about statuesque! She's enough to tempt any elfish monk to quit the monastery and devote himself to a life of idle lust. Unfortunately, she married Dennis, who's married to politics. Still, I hope he doesn't give himself a heart attack trying to service both loves in his life. Big applause for one of the few members of Congress who shows up to do his job.
Barack Obama
How'd He Do? The Black Knight of Progressivism put on a serviceable, solid performance, no loss, no gain. He exhibited the calm gravitas of a leader, and the grown-up ability, which we've almost forgotten from six years of the Immature Mental Midget of Midland, to think in 'nuance' and consider different aspects of a problem before arriving at a decision. Idiot Republicans consider this a sign of weakness and vacillation but, then, look at the shape we're in from their 'Decider's' quick gut solutions. It's too bad Keith Olbermann didn't have a sock handy to stuff into post-debate coverage colleague Chris Matthews' mouth when he repeated for the sixth time that Obama was 'sophisticated.' (Somebody buy the Screamer a thesaurus, for cripes sake.) Analysis by Big Brain Williams, Andrea "Mrs. Greenspan" Mitchell and Tucker "Rhymes With..." Carlson were all good excuses to visit the bathroom or cop a snack. Actually -- and I'm going to hate myself for saying this -- Joe Scarborough made the most sense of all of them except Keith.
His Biggest Problem: The hubris of the front-runner, although he has yet to officially achieve that status. In less than six months this political ICBM has closed a thirty point-plus gap with Hillary and is now within striking distance of taking the lead. He's also on par in money with Sen. Clinton and everything's going his way while she's fading. This is where smart campaign managers tend to tighten their sphincters and advise their candidates to play it safe and coast. That's also the end of the line for many candidates as people get tired of hearing strained-through-focus-groups opinions and the same retread speeches, especially in this volatile election year. Obama can nail it all, if he can maintain his integrity and his wits that have attracted voters of every color and ethnicity to his bandwagon, against the odds. We need a new FDR and Obama could evolve into that, but not by treading water in the shallow end of the pool. The GOP is on the run; if he stays strong and keeps on the hunt, Obama will bring about a landslide in November of 2008 and a turn to populist progressivism that hasn't been seen since 1944's Economic Bill of Rights. The country's ripe for it and Obama could be its standard-bearer.
Bill Richardson
How'd He Do? He looked like he was drunk. (Listen, this isn't to condemn the man: even The Tattlesnake needs a few pops sometimes before appearing in front of large crowds.) Still and all, it's probably not a good idea to show up at a presidential debate with a pint of Who-Hit-John in your raincoat and your back teeth floating. Bill made a few good points, but I was waiting for him to start projectile vomiting any second. ("Sorry, Brian, I guess it was something I -- hey, look, a kitty!") In the post-debate interview on MSNBC, he seemed to be having trouble getting his mouth to move in synch with his fuzzy tongue as a jazz band wailed in the background.
His Biggest Problem: Governor, as one tippler to another, I salute you, but I don't think Norman Rockwell's America is ready for Egbert Souse as president yet. (A tragedy.) Although having a president who could drink Harding under the table is an attractive idea, especially after six years of an alleged Born Again Teetotaler, the media would pounce all over you the first time you passed out drunk on the White House lawn, the Self-Righteous Bluenosed Yuppies. Seriously, there's nothing wrong with Richardson, except he labors in Dodd's shadow. And, Bill, don't go thinking anyone's going to dangle that Veep keychain before your bloodshot eyes either. Nada for you. Kriswell says...out by fall.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Unlikely Candidate Throws Hat in GOP Ring
Breaking News
The Assimilated Press
April 10, 2007 4:18 PM EST
by S.R. Senaj
NASSAU, BAHAMAS -- Larry Birkhead, announcing this afternoon the decision by a Bahamas court that he is, according to DNA tests, the father of Anna Nicole Smith's youngest child Dannielynn, took the opportunity to also outline his plans for his future.
"I've decided to take advantage of all this publicity," Birkhead told the media and onlookers, "And announce that I am a candidate for the Republican nomination for president of the United States."
When asked why he was running, the former edible underwear salesman said, "I can't think of a better way to make some easy money and assure my and little Dannielynn's financial future. Those political candidates are raking in literally millions!"
A Fox News/Ipsos Factos Mall Insta-Poll taken immediately after Birkhead's announcement showed that, if the election were held today, Birkhead would best current GOP front-runner Rudy Giuliani 48 to 35 percent among likely Republican voters.
In Washington, a veteran Republican campaign operative, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the AP that he wasn't surprised at Birkhead's strong appeal to GOP voters, "Larry's the embodiment of everything Republicans love in a candidate: he has family values, an eye for money, and he's not too bright, so naturally he appeals to our base."
Also in Washington, the makers of "W" ketchup have announced the release this month of a new snack product called "Surgers," described by the company as pretzels coated in applesauce and pork fat.
In an unveiling ceremony in the White House Rose Garden April 13, the company plans to present President Bush with a complimentary two-year supply of the new snack.
The Assimilated Press
April 10, 2007 4:18 PM EST
by S.R. Senaj
NASSAU, BAHAMAS -- Larry Birkhead, announcing this afternoon the decision by a Bahamas court that he is, according to DNA tests, the father of Anna Nicole Smith's youngest child Dannielynn, took the opportunity to also outline his plans for his future.
"I've decided to take advantage of all this publicity," Birkhead told the media and onlookers, "And announce that I am a candidate for the Republican nomination for president of the United States."
When asked why he was running, the former edible underwear salesman said, "I can't think of a better way to make some easy money and assure my and little Dannielynn's financial future. Those political candidates are raking in literally millions!"
A Fox News/Ipsos Factos Mall Insta-Poll taken immediately after Birkhead's announcement showed that, if the election were held today, Birkhead would best current GOP front-runner Rudy Giuliani 48 to 35 percent among likely Republican voters.
In Washington, a veteran Republican campaign operative, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the AP that he wasn't surprised at Birkhead's strong appeal to GOP voters, "Larry's the embodiment of everything Republicans love in a candidate: he has family values, an eye for money, and he's not too bright, so naturally he appeals to our base."
Also in Washington, the makers of "W" ketchup have announced the release this month of a new snack product called "Surgers," described by the company as pretzels coated in applesauce and pork fat.
In an unveiling ceremony in the White House Rose Garden April 13, the company plans to present President Bush with a complimentary two-year supply of the new snack.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
The Money Pit and the Vipers, GOP Edition
Campaign Money: The Amounts, Where It Came From and What It Means.
"O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things?"
-- Jesus in Matthew 12:34, KJV.
Top Fundraisers, 2008 Republican Candidates for President:
1. Mitt Romney raised $20.6 million. (He kicked in over $2 million of his own money to bring the total to $23 million.)
Mitt the Affable Boob is collecting his money from the same sources that George W. Bush tapped in his campaigns -- Big Oil, lobbyists, filthy rich corporatists, Saudi royals by way of US cut-outs, other assorted Bush cronies -- along with a substantial amount from Mormons in Utah. When Dubya leaves office, the Bushes want to maintain lucrative connections to the top spot and they think Romney has the best chance to win in 2008. They've apparently perceived Mitt as someone who is authoritarian 'Daddy' enough for the GOP base, but unthreatening and reassuring to the gen-pop as well. Watch for him to be marketed as Ward Cleaver in a Craftsman tools ad; calm, smiling, always ready with a quick focus-group-popular answer to every complicated problem. A steady hand on the wheel with a truckload of safe soundbites. Meanwhile, rumors fly that, while Rove trainees infest the McCain train wreck, the Man Himself, the one whom Bush media courtier Mike Allen of The Politico respectfully calls 'Mr. Rove,' is set to take the reins backstage in the Romney campaign. Said to be joining him will be GOP propaganda hustler Frank Luntz. The strategy will be simple, and similar to the one Rove concocted for Bush: Romney stays cool and on-message, a statesman above the fray, while Rove operatives play every underhanded Swift Boat trick in Karl's playbook to decimate the opposition, making his candidate, however reprehensible, look less reprehensible than the competition. Ann Coulter has already endorsed Romney, and she holds sway with the fanged and venomous GOP collegiates. Party insider James Dobson has also bubbled over Mitt, and he appeals to the rubber room Christians. Soon, Fox Newsers and other rightie mouthpieces will be extolling his virtues and rewriting his pro-choice social liberal past. Will it work? Not this time around methinks; while Mitt may nail the nomination, 'Republican' 'incompetence' and 'failure' are closely connected in the public mind, and he's so much of a glad-handing empty suit, he'll turn off a good portion of his own party, so he's unlikely to get elected. It's not 'morning in America' anymore and it's all the GOP's fault. Still, the Repubs have to field someone and, unless Fred Thompson makes a run, he's their best shot. Maybe lightning will strike and videos of Hillary skinny-dipping with Snoop Dogg, Obama at a Klan rally, or Edwards beating up homeless orphans will surface. (Maybe Rove will photo-shop them for The Internets.)
2. Rudy Giuliani raised $15 million.
Rudy raised his cake by putting the arm on the usual collection of GOP corporations, lobbyists and well-heeled donors who recognize a born supplicant when they see one, a sweaty, anxious Willy Loman ready to do favors for the elite in return for the trappings of power and a few crumbs from the table. Of course America's Mare didn't fare well with individual contributions, especially from the Christian Coalitionists and other national keyhole peepers, but who cares about them? The scheme was to ride the Hero of 9/11 hobby-horse to victory, but then the Bush family stuck a dagger in Rudy's back and threw in with Romney. Perhaps the Bushies realized that once details of the Giuliani-Kerik Company's fetid business deals float to the surface, the New York City firefighters and cops Rudy has stiffed get their say, added to his pro-choice leanings, ignorance of foreign affairs, multiple acrimonious divorces, and his generally atrocious private personality, Rudy's going to end up about as popular as a pigeon with diarrhea flying over a Central Park jogging path. Already, for the purported GOP front-runner, this $15 mil is nearly an insult -- His Almighty Hero-ness can't collect more money than Hillary or that black kid? Holy crap! Also, the US mainstream media, scrawling Mayor Chrome Dome's name in their high school notebooks with little hearts for punctuation, have missed a salient point about their political beau: He's a terrible public speaker. His buck-toothed lisp reminds one of a wacky wabbit rather than George S. Patton, and his speeches shut eyes as he steps all over his best lines. To see what I mean, look at his shabby performance at the CPAC gathering in March; you could almost taste the ennui of the audience. Chris Matthews may think he's 'tough,' but once Republicans get a gander at this goose in debate, he's cooked. And McCain, as the flames engulf his campaign cockpit, will make a last desperate attempt to shoot Rudy down with nasty smear ads and push-poll calls ala what Bush did to McCain in 2000. Likely, with so much ammunition provided by Hizzoner, this will work and both he and Rudy will crash and burn.
3. John McCain raised $12.5 million.
A report the other day on MSNBC pretty much sums up why McCain is going in the tank: In response to his relatively low money draw, McCain is planning to employ even more ex-Bush operatives to 'restructure' his campaign. (He already has hired many of the benighted crew that put Dubya in office.) The man who has abandoned every principle he claimed to once endorse in order to endear himself to the Republican base has now become the loathed Junior's body double on losing issues like Iraq. He even talks and thinks like Bush these days: When you're tasting shoe leather, keep chewing, and when the fire's out of control, pour on more gas. But the belfry bats of the GOP base don't trust him, and true conservatives have dropped him like a bag of ripe manure, so he has no constituency left except a few Bushies who need jobs and the half-wit Washington media elite. Sure, the DC punditry gush over him, but they've been sniffing the tailpipe of the Straight Talk Express so long they're hallucinating it's still there. It isn't and it's not coming back. Today the hollow-eyed McCain, perhaps sensing his impending doom, travels the Sanjaya Malarkey route; a William Hung out to dry by the Bush apparatus, he's become a pathetic figure, singing along on any tired tune hummed by the White House, his raw white-knuckled ambition a public joke. Johnny will get his behind handed to him in Iowa and New Hampshire, if he lasts that long, and then it's over and out, Top Gun. There is only one thing that might save McCain at this point -- changing his name to Fred D. Thompson.
Next up: The top Democratic fundraisers.
"O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things?"
-- Jesus in Matthew 12:34, KJV.
Top Fundraisers, 2008 Republican Candidates for President:
1. Mitt Romney raised $20.6 million. (He kicked in over $2 million of his own money to bring the total to $23 million.)
Mitt the Affable Boob is collecting his money from the same sources that George W. Bush tapped in his campaigns -- Big Oil, lobbyists, filthy rich corporatists, Saudi royals by way of US cut-outs, other assorted Bush cronies -- along with a substantial amount from Mormons in Utah. When Dubya leaves office, the Bushes want to maintain lucrative connections to the top spot and they think Romney has the best chance to win in 2008. They've apparently perceived Mitt as someone who is authoritarian 'Daddy' enough for the GOP base, but unthreatening and reassuring to the gen-pop as well. Watch for him to be marketed as Ward Cleaver in a Craftsman tools ad; calm, smiling, always ready with a quick focus-group-popular answer to every complicated problem. A steady hand on the wheel with a truckload of safe soundbites. Meanwhile, rumors fly that, while Rove trainees infest the McCain train wreck, the Man Himself, the one whom Bush media courtier Mike Allen of The Politico respectfully calls 'Mr. Rove,' is set to take the reins backstage in the Romney campaign. Said to be joining him will be GOP propaganda hustler Frank Luntz. The strategy will be simple, and similar to the one Rove concocted for Bush: Romney stays cool and on-message, a statesman above the fray, while Rove operatives play every underhanded Swift Boat trick in Karl's playbook to decimate the opposition, making his candidate, however reprehensible, look less reprehensible than the competition. Ann Coulter has already endorsed Romney, and she holds sway with the fanged and venomous GOP collegiates. Party insider James Dobson has also bubbled over Mitt, and he appeals to the rubber room Christians. Soon, Fox Newsers and other rightie mouthpieces will be extolling his virtues and rewriting his pro-choice social liberal past. Will it work? Not this time around methinks; while Mitt may nail the nomination, 'Republican' 'incompetence' and 'failure' are closely connected in the public mind, and he's so much of a glad-handing empty suit, he'll turn off a good portion of his own party, so he's unlikely to get elected. It's not 'morning in America' anymore and it's all the GOP's fault. Still, the Repubs have to field someone and, unless Fred Thompson makes a run, he's their best shot. Maybe lightning will strike and videos of Hillary skinny-dipping with Snoop Dogg, Obama at a Klan rally, or Edwards beating up homeless orphans will surface. (Maybe Rove will photo-shop them for The Internets.)
2. Rudy Giuliani raised $15 million.
Rudy raised his cake by putting the arm on the usual collection of GOP corporations, lobbyists and well-heeled donors who recognize a born supplicant when they see one, a sweaty, anxious Willy Loman ready to do favors for the elite in return for the trappings of power and a few crumbs from the table. Of course America's Mare didn't fare well with individual contributions, especially from the Christian Coalitionists and other national keyhole peepers, but who cares about them? The scheme was to ride the Hero of 9/11 hobby-horse to victory, but then the Bush family stuck a dagger in Rudy's back and threw in with Romney. Perhaps the Bushies realized that once details of the Giuliani-Kerik Company's fetid business deals float to the surface, the New York City firefighters and cops Rudy has stiffed get their say, added to his pro-choice leanings, ignorance of foreign affairs, multiple acrimonious divorces, and his generally atrocious private personality, Rudy's going to end up about as popular as a pigeon with diarrhea flying over a Central Park jogging path. Already, for the purported GOP front-runner, this $15 mil is nearly an insult -- His Almighty Hero-ness can't collect more money than Hillary or that black kid? Holy crap! Also, the US mainstream media, scrawling Mayor Chrome Dome's name in their high school notebooks with little hearts for punctuation, have missed a salient point about their political beau: He's a terrible public speaker. His buck-toothed lisp reminds one of a wacky wabbit rather than George S. Patton, and his speeches shut eyes as he steps all over his best lines. To see what I mean, look at his shabby performance at the CPAC gathering in March; you could almost taste the ennui of the audience. Chris Matthews may think he's 'tough,' but once Republicans get a gander at this goose in debate, he's cooked. And McCain, as the flames engulf his campaign cockpit, will make a last desperate attempt to shoot Rudy down with nasty smear ads and push-poll calls ala what Bush did to McCain in 2000. Likely, with so much ammunition provided by Hizzoner, this will work and both he and Rudy will crash and burn.
3. John McCain raised $12.5 million.
A report the other day on MSNBC pretty much sums up why McCain is going in the tank: In response to his relatively low money draw, McCain is planning to employ even more ex-Bush operatives to 'restructure' his campaign. (He already has hired many of the benighted crew that put Dubya in office.) The man who has abandoned every principle he claimed to once endorse in order to endear himself to the Republican base has now become the loathed Junior's body double on losing issues like Iraq. He even talks and thinks like Bush these days: When you're tasting shoe leather, keep chewing, and when the fire's out of control, pour on more gas. But the belfry bats of the GOP base don't trust him, and true conservatives have dropped him like a bag of ripe manure, so he has no constituency left except a few Bushies who need jobs and the half-wit Washington media elite. Sure, the DC punditry gush over him, but they've been sniffing the tailpipe of the Straight Talk Express so long they're hallucinating it's still there. It isn't and it's not coming back. Today the hollow-eyed McCain, perhaps sensing his impending doom, travels the Sanjaya Malarkey route; a William Hung out to dry by the Bush apparatus, he's become a pathetic figure, singing along on any tired tune hummed by the White House, his raw white-knuckled ambition a public joke. Johnny will get his behind handed to him in Iowa and New Hampshire, if he lasts that long, and then it's over and out, Top Gun. There is only one thing that might save McCain at this point -- changing his name to Fred D. Thompson.
Next up: The top Democratic fundraisers.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Random Opinionating on the Half Shell Edition
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
-- Yogi Berra
-- Is homosexuality immoral? Hillary Clinton dithered over an answer, finally telling ABC it was for someone else to conclude whether homosexuality is immoral. WTF?! Dems, how about this for an answer: In a free country, it's not the business of a politician nor the government to make judgments about what consenting adults do in the bedroom -- PERIOD. It is also not the business of the military to examine the sex lives of its personnel unless it is affecting their conduct while on duty. If you personally have a problem with someone else's sexual preference, perhaps you need professional help because it's your problem, not theirs, you miserable busybody.
-- Speaking of New York's junior Senator, somebody from her campaign tell her to stop with the accents already. Ever since the campaign days of Gennifer Flowers and 'stand by your man,' Hillary seems addicted to embarrassing herself by occasionally dropping into Norma Rae mode in her speeches. Listen, Mrs. Clinton, you're a bright middle-class white girl from Park Ridge, Illinois, with a very good education who grew up to be a wealthy white woman currently residing in the upper-crust suburbs of New York City when you're not in Washington. Your stint as First Lady of Arkansas notwithstanding, you're just not the Target/Wal-Mart shopper type; your tastes are more chicken Cordon Bleu than chicken-fried steak, and I'll bet you eat ribs with a knife and fork in private, if you ever eat ribs in private at all. This is nothing to be ashamed of, it's just who you are. No one believes it when you start spouting with a Trailer Trash Queen drawl: real Southerners wince at your pandering; everyone else ponders your mental condition. It's even worse when you try to get down and funky -- it's akin to Pee Wee Herman trying to win a Soul Train dance contest. Just be yourself and stop trying so hard to appeal to every ethnicity and region.
-- Good for Mark Green, new co-owner with his brother Steve of Air America Radio, responding to the flap over the Dems refusing to participate in debates hosted by Ailes' neocon Fox News, for brilliantly proposing that liberal AAR host a debate for the Republican presidential candidates in New Hampshire. He assured the GOP that "we too can be fair and balanced." Question: Why hasn't this story received the media play the Fox News ploy did?
-- Boo and hiss to the bland blonde GOP robot on MSNBC recently, advertised as a 'Republican Strategist' (I didn't bother to catch her name, but she's a new face), who compared Alberto Gonzales firing eight prosecutors for doing their jobs to the BS 'Travelgate' nothingburger during the Clinton years. Like most would-be Mary Matalin's, she apparently can't discern the difference between the Clinton's hiring new staff for the White House travel office and federal prosecutors sending politicians to jail for bribery and corruption. Here's a hint, Chuckles: 'Travelgate' did not affect the Republic in any way, nor cost the taxpayer a cent; political corruption and bribery, on the other hand, gets us into needless wars, pollutes our atmosphere, wastes our money on weapons and projects we don't need, and rots the foundation of our democracy. As Smiley O'Reilly would say, "Get it?"
-- "Mistakes were made" aren't words you use to accept responsibility -- that would be "I made mistakes" -- rather, it's a phrase to avoid or diffuse responsibility. As the your ol' Tattler has said before, if the average person says "I'm responsible" for a botched job at work, co-signing a loan, or committing a crime, they get fired, pay money or go to jail. Only in the twisted Bizarro World of official Washington can someone like Alberto Gonzales, or his boss George W. Bush, accept responsibility and keep his job. Gee, what message is this sending to all those children out there that Republicans say they want to inject with good moral values?
-- Seen those reprehensible TV ads touting Bush's complicated and overly expensive Medicare prescription drug plan? The message of this ad is confusingly bifurcated: it tells the consumer to support the plan because 'it's working' while it also says 'let's give the plan a chance to work!' What Big Pharma front group put together this hash? If 'it's working' it doesn't need 'a chance to work' because it's already working; only things that aren't working need a chance to work, which this plan isn't. Sweet Jesus.
------------------------------------------
The Dirty Work of Empire
I wonder how many of our troops in Iraq feel exactly the same way as Orwell did.
-- Yogi Berra
-- Is homosexuality immoral? Hillary Clinton dithered over an answer, finally telling ABC it was for someone else to conclude whether homosexuality is immoral. WTF?! Dems, how about this for an answer: In a free country, it's not the business of a politician nor the government to make judgments about what consenting adults do in the bedroom -- PERIOD. It is also not the business of the military to examine the sex lives of its personnel unless it is affecting their conduct while on duty. If you personally have a problem with someone else's sexual preference, perhaps you need professional help because it's your problem, not theirs, you miserable busybody.
-- Speaking of New York's junior Senator, somebody from her campaign tell her to stop with the accents already. Ever since the campaign days of Gennifer Flowers and 'stand by your man,' Hillary seems addicted to embarrassing herself by occasionally dropping into Norma Rae mode in her speeches. Listen, Mrs. Clinton, you're a bright middle-class white girl from Park Ridge, Illinois, with a very good education who grew up to be a wealthy white woman currently residing in the upper-crust suburbs of New York City when you're not in Washington. Your stint as First Lady of Arkansas notwithstanding, you're just not the Target/Wal-Mart shopper type; your tastes are more chicken Cordon Bleu than chicken-fried steak, and I'll bet you eat ribs with a knife and fork in private, if you ever eat ribs in private at all. This is nothing to be ashamed of, it's just who you are. No one believes it when you start spouting with a Trailer Trash Queen drawl: real Southerners wince at your pandering; everyone else ponders your mental condition. It's even worse when you try to get down and funky -- it's akin to Pee Wee Herman trying to win a Soul Train dance contest. Just be yourself and stop trying so hard to appeal to every ethnicity and region.
-- Good for Mark Green, new co-owner with his brother Steve of Air America Radio, responding to the flap over the Dems refusing to participate in debates hosted by Ailes' neocon Fox News, for brilliantly proposing that liberal AAR host a debate for the Republican presidential candidates in New Hampshire. He assured the GOP that "we too can be fair and balanced." Question: Why hasn't this story received the media play the Fox News ploy did?
-- Boo and hiss to the bland blonde GOP robot on MSNBC recently, advertised as a 'Republican Strategist' (I didn't bother to catch her name, but she's a new face), who compared Alberto Gonzales firing eight prosecutors for doing their jobs to the BS 'Travelgate' nothingburger during the Clinton years. Like most would-be Mary Matalin's, she apparently can't discern the difference between the Clinton's hiring new staff for the White House travel office and federal prosecutors sending politicians to jail for bribery and corruption. Here's a hint, Chuckles: 'Travelgate' did not affect the Republic in any way, nor cost the taxpayer a cent; political corruption and bribery, on the other hand, gets us into needless wars, pollutes our atmosphere, wastes our money on weapons and projects we don't need, and rots the foundation of our democracy. As Smiley O'Reilly would say, "Get it?"
-- "Mistakes were made" aren't words you use to accept responsibility -- that would be "I made mistakes" -- rather, it's a phrase to avoid or diffuse responsibility. As the your ol' Tattler has said before, if the average person says "I'm responsible" for a botched job at work, co-signing a loan, or committing a crime, they get fired, pay money or go to jail. Only in the twisted Bizarro World of official Washington can someone like Alberto Gonzales, or his boss George W. Bush, accept responsibility and keep his job. Gee, what message is this sending to all those children out there that Republicans say they want to inject with good moral values?
-- Seen those reprehensible TV ads touting Bush's complicated and overly expensive Medicare prescription drug plan? The message of this ad is confusingly bifurcated: it tells the consumer to support the plan because 'it's working' while it also says 'let's give the plan a chance to work!' What Big Pharma front group put together this hash? If 'it's working' it doesn't need 'a chance to work' because it's already working; only things that aren't working need a chance to work, which this plan isn't. Sweet Jesus.
------------------------------------------
The Dirty Work of Empire
I wonder how many of our troops in Iraq feel exactly the same way as Orwell did.
"All this was perplexing and upsetting. For at that time I had already made up my mind that imperialism was an evil thing and the sooner I chucked up my job and got out of it the better. Theoretically -- and secretly, of course -- I was all for the Burmese and all against their oppressors, the British. As for the job I was doing, I hated it more bitterly than I can perhaps make clear. In a job like that you see the dirty work of Empire at close quarters. The wretched prisoners huddling in the stinking cages of the lock-ups, the grey, cowed faces of the long-term convicts, the scarred buttocks of the men who had been Bogged with bamboos -- all these oppressed me with an intolerable sense of guilt. But I could get nothing into perspective. I was young and ill-educated and I had had to think out my problems in the utter silence that is imposed on every Englishman in the East. I did not even know that the British Empire is dying, still less did I know that it is a great deal better than the younger empires that are going to supplant it. All I knew was that I was stuck between my hatred of the empire I served and my rage against the evil-spirited little beasts who tried to make my job impossible. With one part of my mind I thought of the British Raj as an unbreakable tyranny, as something clamped down, in saecula saeculorum, upon the will of prostrate peoples; with another part I thought that the greatest joy in the world would be to drive a bayonet into a Buddhist priest's guts. Feelings like these are the normal by-products of imperialism; ask any Anglo-Indian official, if you can catch him off duty."
-- George Orwell, excerpted from "Shooting an Elephant," an essay on his short-lived career as a British police officer in Burma.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Re-Reviewing the GOP 2008 Presidential Candidates Edition
Predictions to be taken in the spirit in which they were made -- with a rim of salt and a slice of lime.
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
-- Yogi Berra
What's changed with the Republicans since the last time I did this?
In alphabetical order, starting with the three major players:
-- Rudy Giuliani, former Mayor of New York City:
Has he officially announced? Is the Pope a Catholic who doesn't believe in divorce?
What are his chances? Let's call it right now: Rudy Giuliani's not going to be the next President of the United States. If he makes it through the primaries, he'll be slaughtered in the general election. While he'll quickly wear out his 'anti-terrorist hero of 9/11' shtick, in a bit of table-turning, he'll be the 'Dem Light' on social issues in the general election, and voters might as well vote for a real Democrat instead of someone who pretends to be one. If, on the other hand, he steers far right on both the War on Terra and social issues, he's going to lose anyway; Americans are sore from the side-effects of the right-wing agenda. It's been rumored this guy was afraid to face Hillary for the Senate seat from New York, and used illness as a cover story. He's one good scandal away from being cooked, and the potential burners are lit and ready. America's Mayor might as well throw away his transfer right now -- his campaign bus is never going to arrive at the White House.
-- John McCain, US Senator from Arizona:
Has he officially announced? Perhaps appropriately, considering the low comedy his campaign has become, he announced Feb. 28 on The David Letterman Show.
What are his chances? John McCain's not going to be president either in 2008, or ever. He's squandered all the good will he built up in his 2000 campaign, alienating that combination of sane Republicans, conservative Democrats and moderate independents he might have been able to ride into the White House next year. What has he received in return? Affiliation with a loathed president bottoming out in the polls, a lost war, and a rep as a lap dog for Jerry Falwell. McCain has also further debased himself by hiring Bush operatives, trained by Mr. Karl Rove himself, to run his campaign, so look for things to get mighty nasty in the primaries. The last few speeches by McCain, he didn't look well: wan, weak and wrinkled like Dorian Gray's portrait come to life. His voice sometimes quavers when he delivers his most onerous lines, and he looks down at his shoes a lot. The kind of teeth-aching hypocrisy Johnny has engaged in the past few years will do that to a man. Once he was a Straight-Talk Viet Vet hero; now, even with the puzzling adulation of the corporate media, he's just a puling public embarrassment, the corporate logo of the craven pol who'll say anything to get elected, with his lip prints on the gluteus maximus of President Junior, a man he reportedly privately despises.
-- Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee, but he's running.
What are his chances? Mitt Romney's a Twinkie mixed in a blender with a vanilla shake: sweet and bland on a wide range of issues, with empty linguistic calories to spare. The secret favorite of the Bush family -- Jeb's in his corner -- Candidate Jello quivers around but damned if anyone can figure out what he really stands for, aside from the usual 'strong national defense and protecting everyone from everything that polls well, God bless America.' Romney's no brain trust -- which, obviously, does not disqualify from being president -- and he's got that smiling coal-eyed look of easy villainy that doesn't inspire confidence in voters. He's a male model mannequin, a Church of the SubGenius "Bob" with a Betty Bowers minivan wife straight out of RNC Central Casting, perfect for the tight-sphincter suburban honkies of the 'new' GOP. Mitt needn't worry about his Mormonism losing votes; his innate overly-ambitious assholishness will take care of that. With the Bushes help, he'll collect some big corpo money and stay afloat; between him and the rightie media, there will be enough crap spread thick to likely hand him the GOP nomination. No matter -- a toasting will await Mr. White Bread in November of '08. (Damn if writing this didn't make me hungry for some reason.)
'Second-tier' candidates:
-- Sam Brownback, US Senator from Kansas:
Has he officially announced? Yep.
What are his chances? With the country trending liberal, Brownback is a flaky neocon fossil, though not quite 6,000 years old. His 'All God No Gays' patooie may sell well enough in the GOP primaries to keep him alive past his expiration date, but the Big Money is going elsewhere. President Sam he am not.
-- Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida:
Has he officially announced? No, and he won't.
What are his chances? Unlike his older brother, Jeb reads the polls and newspapers and he knows the Bush name is the kiss of death in national politics for the foreseeable future. May be biding his time, hoping that a Dem in the Oval Office will bungle cleaning up after Dubya so badly that the stage will be set for a Jeb run in 2012, the same year, coincidentally, that the Mayans predicted the end of the world. The Bush Who Should Have Been President If Not For &*%$!@# Karl Rove (go ahead and cry, Poppy) may be content to sit back and play kingmaker behind the scenes, as he's doing with Mitt Romney. Jeb might very well be in and out of courtrooms the next few years if the Dems ever launch an investigation of the voting improprieties in Florida in 2000, 2002 and 2004. Could happen. It's said he's got a slush fund in reserve to defend himself should any such investigation take place. Mentioned as a possible VP candidate in '08, but that's just crazy talk.
-- Jim Gilmore, former Governor of Virginia:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee.
What are his chances? Gilmore is not even a distant sail in the Republican primary sunset. His 'vanity candidacy' will be over shortly and he'll go back to harassing his relatives at Thanksgiving with tales of past glory. "Pass me the rolls, Grandpa." "Here. Say, boy, did I ever tell you about the time I was Governor of Virginia and..."
-- Newt Gingrich, former US House Speaker from Georgia:
Has he officially announced? No, but he's been busy acting like he will.
What are his chances? Newt's the stain on the GOP crotch that won't dry. He's spouted so much crazy crap the last 14 years, even most Republicans think he's batty. What's left of the GOP neocons may resurrect him, furiously trying to keep their agenda alive, but the torpedoes are in the water to sink Mr. Bismarck should he head to open water in the primaries. Newt's still what he's always been: a hypocritical bore with a half-cocked leaf-blower for a mouth. It's said Bob Dole once joked Newt's House office in the 1990's was packed with filing cabinets marked "Newt's Ideas" and, in the corner on top of one cabinet, there was a small shoebox labeled "Newt's Good Ideas." The unfortunate thing about Gingrich, for Republicans, is that he mostly spouts nonsense from the filing cabinets. If he catches fire, it will only be his pants burning, and you know what causes trousers to spontaneously burst into flame.
-- Chuck Hagel, US Senator from Nebraska:
Has he officially announced? Not yet.
What are his chances? Hagel could surprise in the late rounds. His anti-Bush slaps could play well in a Republican Party that would like to return to its conservative 'small government, stay the hell out of foreign entanglements' roots. His previous connections to voting machine companies are troubling, but he seems sane at any rate. If the Classic Goldwater Conservatives wrest the GOP from Ralph Reed's Crazy Christians as is likely, Hagel's their man. Still, he's not going to win the WH in 2008 unless the Dems really screw up -- it's just not a Republican year.
-- Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee.
What are his chances? Mike Huckabee is a former Baptist Minister and was once president of the Baptist State Convention. Kinky Friedman had a good take on the Texarkana version of that Christian sect: "I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough." Huck's not the worst of the worst, but he hasn't got a prayer, even if a Republican God lived in Little Rock. Mike's lost a 100 pounds so he'll get the Weight Watchers vote, but that won't mean much in pork-belly-over-the-belt Iowa. Next stop: Late night infomercials for his new diet shake,"Good for Your Heart Huckabee's." (Yes, and the fourth word will be a heart shape.)
-- Duncan L. Hunter, US Representative from California:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee.
What are his chances? The day George Bush gets a brain and Cheney gets a heart, Hunter will get the presidency. He's rumored to be such a nasty piece of work staffers scurry in terror at his approach. Stray dogs on the street growl at him and children scream in fear. If he kissed a baby on the campaign trail, the kid would be in therapy for life. Has been mistaken for an angry Russian general and a rabid bulldog by foreign leaders. Might have a future, though, if Hollywood needs a new Ming the Merciless.
-- George Pataki, former Governor of New York:
Has he officially announced? No, but he has a couple of toes in the water.
What are his chances? He's shown up in Iowa and New Hampshire, but most of the audience were there for the free pizza rolls. "Pataki who?" should be on his bumper sticker. Not likely he'll run, but if he does, he'll be in a marathon with his shoelaces tied together. In 2008, if by some miracle he's gets the nomination, he wouldn't carry his home state of New York. Most of all, America's not ready to elect another diddle-de-dumb Republican president named 'George.'
-- Ron Paul, US Representative from Texas:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee.
What are his chances? Although I don't always agree with him, libertarian Ron Paul has some good ideas, but he's too sane to be president this time around, at least as a GOP candidate. He's another one who's not likely to go the distance, but he'd make the debates worth watching. The man is fearless and well-informed. After the Republicans revamp their party following the 2008 elections and boot out the crazies, Paul might emerge as a formidable candidate for president.
-- Tom Tancredo, US Representative from Colorado:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee.
What are his chances? If I were Tom Tancredo, I wouldn't stay in hotels or motels, or eat at restaurants without a food taster. Most of the Hispanic people he wants to jail and deport work at these places for low wages and would likely make Tom's life a living hell in a hundred different ways. Since he can't travel and campaign, it would pretty much obviate any chances he might have to be president. Well, that and his really shitty personality.
'Third-tier' candidates who actually represent the GOP 'base':
-- Dick Cheney, Vice President of the United States:
Has he officially announced? He says absolutely no, he's not running, but we all know what a liar he is.
What are his chances?Incredibly, there is a group within the GOP that really likes this guy -- he personifies all they hold dear: Profit over people, greed uber alles, the government should operate for the benefit of the wealthy and, if you don't like it, peon, go fuck yourself! Bush is the softer, gentler frontman for the Plutocracy; Cheney is its pacemakered, quadruple-bypassed heart and cat-turd soul. For these Dick lovers, nobody but the original will do, so they've formed a 'Draft Cheney' movement, and they don't mean to send the sneering old codpiece to the streets of Baghdad to drive a Humvee -- they think the most hated, deceitful and delusional Veep in US history would actually be a good president. These people are, of course, just as corrupt and sociopathic as their white-haired Mr. Potter idol, but Cheney does represent a good part of the corporate GOP base, as base as they may be. Not a chance of him running though, it would be beneath him; nope, Cheney's going to collect his profits and bunker down somewhere outside the country to dandle his ill-gotten millions on his knee, unless in the next two years BushCo cracks down and we're all wearing armbands and swearing fealty to Alberto's New World Order to protect our freedom from the terrorists.
-- Saint Michael Jesus Archangel, US Fruitcake from Michigan:
Has he officially announced? He's in it to win it, brethren and sistern.
What are his chances? Nothing wrong with this guy: The former Philip Silva, who changed his name legally in 1996, claims that he's known from boyhood that "I was God and Michael the Archangel, but I didn't dare tell anyone, not even anyone in my family because I knew that the devil, Satan, was going to try to murder Me, and indeed he did try, four separate times." He also alleges that he's a Vietnam Vet and that he once worked as an unpaid "volunteer Secret Agent for the Central Intelligence Agency." Although some may call him delusional, many of his opinions are shared by the Dominionists and the Falwell/Robertson fringe of the GOP -- he believes America should be a Christian theocracy and he calls himself a "radical conservative Republican." The only crimp in his march to the White House might be his arrest for attempted murder and other felony charges last March, which prompted the arresting officer to opine, "As a matter of fact, he is crazy. Anyone in their right mind can see that." Being a crazy accused felon, though, shouldn't be an impediment to 'St. Michael' receiving a ton of votes in the GOP primaries -- he's the logical choice of the conservative Jesus kooks. If you'd like to find out more about 'God and Michael the Archangel' (he just couldn't make up his mind), go to http://ArchangelMichael.info but be prepared to read long passages that resemble the ravings of a lunatic. He has a chance, if the Christo-fascists vote with their hearts instead of their empty heads.
-- Michael Savage, Radio Talk Show Host:
Has he officially announced? He's talking about it. Here's what he told NewsMax: "I know it sounds bizarre, but when you consider the people running for the Presidency, none seems to be qualified ... A non-politician who has a very large following, who is very conservative, and who believes in a simple message of borders, language, and culture, has a great chance of electrifying the American people." Yes, 'electrifying' -- like a cattle prod up the old wazoo.
What are his chances? Savage is as toxically nutty as a jar of recalled Peter Pan, but his opinions at least reflect the crazed right-wing bigots in the Republican Party; he's Ann Coulter with a smaller penis. Of course, he couldn't get elected dog catcher, but his appearance in the debates would force the other candidates to either disavow his crackpot ideas -- and lose votes, or dump on him -- and lose votes. A lose-lose situation, which is why the GOP Tower of Power who holds his leash will never let him run. (He'd be fired from his only source of income, his fetid radio show.) At least the former Michael Weiner's seen one thing clearly: "[The Republicans have] virtually no chance of winning right now."
Coming soon: A Tattlesnake re-review of the Dem choices.
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
-- Yogi Berra
What's changed with the Republicans since the last time I did this?
In alphabetical order, starting with the three major players:
-- Rudy Giuliani, former Mayor of New York City:
Has he officially announced? Is the Pope a Catholic who doesn't believe in divorce?
What are his chances? Let's call it right now: Rudy Giuliani's not going to be the next President of the United States. If he makes it through the primaries, he'll be slaughtered in the general election. While he'll quickly wear out his 'anti-terrorist hero of 9/11' shtick, in a bit of table-turning, he'll be the 'Dem Light' on social issues in the general election, and voters might as well vote for a real Democrat instead of someone who pretends to be one. If, on the other hand, he steers far right on both the War on Terra and social issues, he's going to lose anyway; Americans are sore from the side-effects of the right-wing agenda. It's been rumored this guy was afraid to face Hillary for the Senate seat from New York, and used illness as a cover story. He's one good scandal away from being cooked, and the potential burners are lit and ready. America's Mayor might as well throw away his transfer right now -- his campaign bus is never going to arrive at the White House.
-- John McCain, US Senator from Arizona:
Has he officially announced? Perhaps appropriately, considering the low comedy his campaign has become, he announced Feb. 28 on The David Letterman Show.
What are his chances? John McCain's not going to be president either in 2008, or ever. He's squandered all the good will he built up in his 2000 campaign, alienating that combination of sane Republicans, conservative Democrats and moderate independents he might have been able to ride into the White House next year. What has he received in return? Affiliation with a loathed president bottoming out in the polls, a lost war, and a rep as a lap dog for Jerry Falwell. McCain has also further debased himself by hiring Bush operatives, trained by Mr. Karl Rove himself, to run his campaign, so look for things to get mighty nasty in the primaries. The last few speeches by McCain, he didn't look well: wan, weak and wrinkled like Dorian Gray's portrait come to life. His voice sometimes quavers when he delivers his most onerous lines, and he looks down at his shoes a lot. The kind of teeth-aching hypocrisy Johnny has engaged in the past few years will do that to a man. Once he was a Straight-Talk Viet Vet hero; now, even with the puzzling adulation of the corporate media, he's just a puling public embarrassment, the corporate logo of the craven pol who'll say anything to get elected, with his lip prints on the gluteus maximus of President Junior, a man he reportedly privately despises.
-- Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee, but he's running.
What are his chances? Mitt Romney's a Twinkie mixed in a blender with a vanilla shake: sweet and bland on a wide range of issues, with empty linguistic calories to spare. The secret favorite of the Bush family -- Jeb's in his corner -- Candidate Jello quivers around but damned if anyone can figure out what he really stands for, aside from the usual 'strong national defense and protecting everyone from everything that polls well, God bless America.' Romney's no brain trust -- which, obviously, does not disqualify from being president -- and he's got that smiling coal-eyed look of easy villainy that doesn't inspire confidence in voters. He's a male model mannequin, a Church of the SubGenius "Bob" with a Betty Bowers minivan wife straight out of RNC Central Casting, perfect for the tight-sphincter suburban honkies of the 'new' GOP. Mitt needn't worry about his Mormonism losing votes; his innate overly-ambitious assholishness will take care of that. With the Bushes help, he'll collect some big corpo money and stay afloat; between him and the rightie media, there will be enough crap spread thick to likely hand him the GOP nomination. No matter -- a toasting will await Mr. White Bread in November of '08. (Damn if writing this didn't make me hungry for some reason.)
'Second-tier' candidates:
-- Sam Brownback, US Senator from Kansas:
Has he officially announced? Yep.
What are his chances? With the country trending liberal, Brownback is a flaky neocon fossil, though not quite 6,000 years old. His 'All God No Gays' patooie may sell well enough in the GOP primaries to keep him alive past his expiration date, but the Big Money is going elsewhere. President Sam he am not.
-- Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida:
Has he officially announced? No, and he won't.
What are his chances? Unlike his older brother, Jeb reads the polls and newspapers and he knows the Bush name is the kiss of death in national politics for the foreseeable future. May be biding his time, hoping that a Dem in the Oval Office will bungle cleaning up after Dubya so badly that the stage will be set for a Jeb run in 2012, the same year, coincidentally, that the Mayans predicted the end of the world. The Bush Who Should Have Been President If Not For &*%$!@# Karl Rove (go ahead and cry, Poppy) may be content to sit back and play kingmaker behind the scenes, as he's doing with Mitt Romney. Jeb might very well be in and out of courtrooms the next few years if the Dems ever launch an investigation of the voting improprieties in Florida in 2000, 2002 and 2004. Could happen. It's said he's got a slush fund in reserve to defend himself should any such investigation take place. Mentioned as a possible VP candidate in '08, but that's just crazy talk.
-- Jim Gilmore, former Governor of Virginia:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee.
What are his chances? Gilmore is not even a distant sail in the Republican primary sunset. His 'vanity candidacy' will be over shortly and he'll go back to harassing his relatives at Thanksgiving with tales of past glory. "Pass me the rolls, Grandpa." "Here. Say, boy, did I ever tell you about the time I was Governor of Virginia and..."
-- Newt Gingrich, former US House Speaker from Georgia:
Has he officially announced? No, but he's been busy acting like he will.
What are his chances? Newt's the stain on the GOP crotch that won't dry. He's spouted so much crazy crap the last 14 years, even most Republicans think he's batty. What's left of the GOP neocons may resurrect him, furiously trying to keep their agenda alive, but the torpedoes are in the water to sink Mr. Bismarck should he head to open water in the primaries. Newt's still what he's always been: a hypocritical bore with a half-cocked leaf-blower for a mouth. It's said Bob Dole once joked Newt's House office in the 1990's was packed with filing cabinets marked "Newt's Ideas" and, in the corner on top of one cabinet, there was a small shoebox labeled "Newt's Good Ideas." The unfortunate thing about Gingrich, for Republicans, is that he mostly spouts nonsense from the filing cabinets. If he catches fire, it will only be his pants burning, and you know what causes trousers to spontaneously burst into flame.
-- Chuck Hagel, US Senator from Nebraska:
Has he officially announced? Not yet.
What are his chances? Hagel could surprise in the late rounds. His anti-Bush slaps could play well in a Republican Party that would like to return to its conservative 'small government, stay the hell out of foreign entanglements' roots. His previous connections to voting machine companies are troubling, but he seems sane at any rate. If the Classic Goldwater Conservatives wrest the GOP from Ralph Reed's Crazy Christians as is likely, Hagel's their man. Still, he's not going to win the WH in 2008 unless the Dems really screw up -- it's just not a Republican year.
-- Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee.
What are his chances? Mike Huckabee is a former Baptist Minister and was once president of the Baptist State Convention. Kinky Friedman had a good take on the Texarkana version of that Christian sect: "I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough." Huck's not the worst of the worst, but he hasn't got a prayer, even if a Republican God lived in Little Rock. Mike's lost a 100 pounds so he'll get the Weight Watchers vote, but that won't mean much in pork-belly-over-the-belt Iowa. Next stop: Late night infomercials for his new diet shake,"Good for Your Heart Huckabee's." (Yes, and the fourth word will be a heart shape.)
-- Duncan L. Hunter, US Representative from California:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee.
What are his chances? The day George Bush gets a brain and Cheney gets a heart, Hunter will get the presidency. He's rumored to be such a nasty piece of work staffers scurry in terror at his approach. Stray dogs on the street growl at him and children scream in fear. If he kissed a baby on the campaign trail, the kid would be in therapy for life. Has been mistaken for an angry Russian general and a rabid bulldog by foreign leaders. Might have a future, though, if Hollywood needs a new Ming the Merciless.
-- George Pataki, former Governor of New York:
Has he officially announced? No, but he has a couple of toes in the water.
What are his chances? He's shown up in Iowa and New Hampshire, but most of the audience were there for the free pizza rolls. "Pataki who?" should be on his bumper sticker. Not likely he'll run, but if he does, he'll be in a marathon with his shoelaces tied together. In 2008, if by some miracle he's gets the nomination, he wouldn't carry his home state of New York. Most of all, America's not ready to elect another diddle-de-dumb Republican president named 'George.'
-- Ron Paul, US Representative from Texas:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee.
What are his chances? Although I don't always agree with him, libertarian Ron Paul has some good ideas, but he's too sane to be president this time around, at least as a GOP candidate. He's another one who's not likely to go the distance, but he'd make the debates worth watching. The man is fearless and well-informed. After the Republicans revamp their party following the 2008 elections and boot out the crazies, Paul might emerge as a formidable candidate for president.
-- Tom Tancredo, US Representative from Colorado:
Has he officially announced? Exploratory committee.
What are his chances? If I were Tom Tancredo, I wouldn't stay in hotels or motels, or eat at restaurants without a food taster. Most of the Hispanic people he wants to jail and deport work at these places for low wages and would likely make Tom's life a living hell in a hundred different ways. Since he can't travel and campaign, it would pretty much obviate any chances he might have to be president. Well, that and his really shitty personality.
'Third-tier' candidates who actually represent the GOP 'base':
-- Dick Cheney, Vice President of the United States:
Has he officially announced? He says absolutely no, he's not running, but we all know what a liar he is.
What are his chances?Incredibly, there is a group within the GOP that really likes this guy -- he personifies all they hold dear: Profit over people, greed uber alles, the government should operate for the benefit of the wealthy and, if you don't like it, peon, go fuck yourself! Bush is the softer, gentler frontman for the Plutocracy; Cheney is its pacemakered, quadruple-bypassed heart and cat-turd soul. For these Dick lovers, nobody but the original will do, so they've formed a 'Draft Cheney' movement, and they don't mean to send the sneering old codpiece to the streets of Baghdad to drive a Humvee -- they think the most hated, deceitful and delusional Veep in US history would actually be a good president. These people are, of course, just as corrupt and sociopathic as their white-haired Mr. Potter idol, but Cheney does represent a good part of the corporate GOP base, as base as they may be. Not a chance of him running though, it would be beneath him; nope, Cheney's going to collect his profits and bunker down somewhere outside the country to dandle his ill-gotten millions on his knee, unless in the next two years BushCo cracks down and we're all wearing armbands and swearing fealty to Alberto's New World Order to protect our freedom from the terrorists.
-- Saint Michael Jesus Archangel, US Fruitcake from Michigan:
Has he officially announced? He's in it to win it, brethren and sistern.
What are his chances? Nothing wrong with this guy: The former Philip Silva, who changed his name legally in 1996, claims that he's known from boyhood that "I was God and Michael the Archangel, but I didn't dare tell anyone, not even anyone in my family because I knew that the devil, Satan, was going to try to murder Me, and indeed he did try, four separate times." He also alleges that he's a Vietnam Vet and that he once worked as an unpaid "volunteer Secret Agent for the Central Intelligence Agency." Although some may call him delusional, many of his opinions are shared by the Dominionists and the Falwell/Robertson fringe of the GOP -- he believes America should be a Christian theocracy and he calls himself a "radical conservative Republican." The only crimp in his march to the White House might be his arrest for attempted murder and other felony charges last March, which prompted the arresting officer to opine, "As a matter of fact, he is crazy. Anyone in their right mind can see that." Being a crazy accused felon, though, shouldn't be an impediment to 'St. Michael' receiving a ton of votes in the GOP primaries -- he's the logical choice of the conservative Jesus kooks. If you'd like to find out more about 'God and Michael the Archangel' (he just couldn't make up his mind), go to http://ArchangelMichael.info but be prepared to read long passages that resemble the ravings of a lunatic. He has a chance, if the Christo-fascists vote with their hearts instead of their empty heads.
-- Michael Savage, Radio Talk Show Host:
Has he officially announced? He's talking about it. Here's what he told NewsMax: "I know it sounds bizarre, but when you consider the people running for the Presidency, none seems to be qualified ... A non-politician who has a very large following, who is very conservative, and who believes in a simple message of borders, language, and culture, has a great chance of electrifying the American people." Yes, 'electrifying' -- like a cattle prod up the old wazoo.
What are his chances? Savage is as toxically nutty as a jar of recalled Peter Pan, but his opinions at least reflect the crazed right-wing bigots in the Republican Party; he's Ann Coulter with a smaller penis. Of course, he couldn't get elected dog catcher, but his appearance in the debates would force the other candidates to either disavow his crackpot ideas -- and lose votes, or dump on him -- and lose votes. A lose-lose situation, which is why the GOP Tower of Power who holds his leash will never let him run. (He'd be fired from his only source of income, his fetid radio show.) At least the former Michael Weiner's seen one thing clearly: "[The Republicans have] virtually no chance of winning right now."
Coming soon: A Tattlesnake re-review of the Dem choices.
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