The Dem Debates Edition

First Impression Surgical Strike on the Dem Debates of April 26th.

In Alphabetical Order:

Joe Biden
How'd He Do? Better than expected, but that's like saying that leaky tire with the nail stuck in it held on for one more day. He got the biggest laugh of the night for replying to a question from Big Brain Williams asking if he would refrain from his usual gaffe-prone verbosity as president with the one word answer "Yes," but there's another question that hangs over his head like a perpetual thought balloon: "Why Am I Running?" Yep, maybe it's just sheer vanity and his last chance -- the man loves the spotlight -- and maybe he's positioning himself as an attractive Veep pick for, say, a woman or black man who might want to 'balance' the ticket with a graying white male turd, but there are plenty of those around from states with more Electoral College heft, so it isn't going to be Delaware's own Sen. Biden.

His Biggest Problem: He has a few good ideas that he picked up from liberal bloggers four years ago, but he has no constituency. Ask around for yourself: Find any Biden lovers out there? Neither anti-war nor moderate Dem primary voters think he's anything more than an affable DC gas bag, and there was a comic C-SPAN turn in Iowa recently when Non-Smoking Joe was stumbling around a restaurant pestering the lunchtime crowd with his happy-ass dithering and attempts at groping; it was plain that most of the people were thinking "Who the fuck is this idiot?" as Biden debased himself for fleeting handshakes, while diners stared at him as if he had an open fly with a "BANG!" flag hanging out of it. In the Q&A session, there was a long minute of embarrassing silence as no one had a thing to ask Mr. Nobody Who's Not Getting Elected to Anything until Othar the Blind started asking himself questions. Staring into my Kriswell Kristal Kube, I predict he will be the first one to quit the race, sometime this summer.

Hillary Clinton
How'd She Do? She didn't do herself any harm; she didn't do herself any good. One point: She's still using the wrong end of the thermometer on the health care issue; this time around she's not going to make the same mistakes she made 14 years ago, but then she went on to say she was -- she's going to negotiate with Big Pharma and Big Healtho so that they get their cut of the deal. Hillary didn't learn from the first time that you can't invite the fox (or Fox, if you prefer) in to make rules for the hens. Until she realizes that, all of her health care plans are a sick joke that won't solve the problem.

Her Biggest Problem: Forget the Clintonian calculation or triangulation slaps -- that bloat is common to all politicians -- what's really jarring about Hillary, and something she can't cure, is her disgruntled Midwestern school marm mien. She's Donna Reed if George Bailey had never been born. There's just a dripping sourness in her voice, combined with the dull edge of a disappointed razor blade, poised in mid-air above an unslit wrist -- "God! Bill had all the fun!" -- and the frowny "you got another D this report card, buster" downturned mouth. Subconsciously, I think most voters are put off by this, slightly afraid of her calling their parents if they get out of line. And this is not a gender-based estimation: John Anderson, who ran for president in 1980, had the same pinched mug of a disillusioned academic who had just finished explaining in detail the science supporting the theory of evolution to a class at Messiah College. Another frustrated pol with an itchy trigger finger for that snub-nose nestled in the bottom desk drawer at home. One bullet in the temple and all these bleating morons go away forever. Not that she's actually suicidal, but that's the downbeat persona Hillary brings to the table and why she's losing ground. Americans want their War President's optimistic and cheery when they order the bombing of innocent foreigners, not someone who looks like she's attending the funeral before she's been elected. She has the bankroll to stick it out to the bitter end, and she will, but the bloom is off this former member of the Rose Law firm and the petals are withering.

Christopher Dodd
How'd He Do? He -- ahem -- 'Doddered.' The Senator is a caterpillar-eyebrowed New Englander one home sale away from a Century 21 blazer, or maybe playing the Gorton's fisherman -- "Avast! These fish sticks are mighty tasty! Yarrr!" -- apparently only in politics because it's the family business. He doesn't disagree with Ms. Hillary or the Big O in any substantial way, so one can only assume his candidacy is a set-up for a Veep nod. It's not that he's bad, he's just forgettable as hell. If you went to a movie with Chris, don't go out for popcorn because you'll never find him again. Chances for the No. 2 slot? Hey, Connecticut's already a Blue State.

His Biggest Problem: Like Biden, he has no constituency. His positions are all safe, solid, well-reasoned and...oh, I'm sorry, did I nod off? Sorry, Chris, back to the whale boat -- the presidential yacht is not for you, not even the Veep's dinghy. Out by next fall, following hard on Biden's retreating footsteps.

John Edwards
How'd He Do? Worse than expected. For a 'Trial Lawyer' who's had a few years to prepare, you'd think he'd have some ready answers, yet he hesitated at times, and not in the studious way that might impress an audience that he's seriously considering the question. Nope, it seemed Johnny saw the headlights and froze. When asked about a moral leader who had inspired him, Kerry's Veep Sacrifice swallowed hard and the clock ticked until he came up with "Well, the Lord, who I pray to every day..." Pray for some poise and a new speechwriter, knucklehead.

His Biggest Problem: Handsome? Check. Personable? Check. Good with crowds? Check. On the right side of the issues? Check. Good bio? Check. Articulate? Usually. So why can't he get more signatures on the bottom line? Here's why: too much 'Southern Honey.' That Dixie Charm can be a mighty potent force in politics -- as we've seen with Clinton and even fake Texan Bush -- but it works against Edwards, probably because of his clean-cut Hollywood features. John F. Kennedy had this problem early on in his bid for the presidency; Nixon-friendly stooges tried to cast him as an empty-headed 'pretty boy' too vain and vacuous to be the Chief Executive. JFK struck back with his PT-109 war-hero record and won the day. JE has no combat medals to dull the Breck Girl shine, and he's stuck in a third-place rut. Ironically, in a race that contains a flaxen-haired woman, he's been designated the 'Dumb Blonde.' While Hillary may be blonde, she's no dummy, and neither is Edwards. But the Mighty Rightie Wurlitzer of Sleaze is tuning up to key the former senator as a wishy-washy lightweight without the 'right stuff' to be CinC. [The Jay Leno jokes have already commenced.] If Johnny doesn't grow some metaphorical chest hair soon and start landing some punches, the neoconnery are going to succeed in, as the phrase goes, 'emasculating' him. Wouldn't hurt to loosen up and show a sense of humor, either, Mr. E.
Incidental Note: You're paying $400 for that haircut? Hint: save your money; you can get the same thing at BoRics for twenty-five bucks with tip.

Mike Gravel
How'd He Do? Much better than expected. Although his words sometimes needed a little interpretation -- "Who are we afraid of?!?" -- you couldn't beat the old coot for speaking straight and clear. A shame it couldn't be arranged for Biden, Edwards, Dodd, and Richardson to get stuck in an elevator for an hour at the next debate and free Alaska Pike Mike and Denny the K to toss roundhouse rights at Hillary and Obama. Now THAT would be a debate worth watching!

His Biggest Problem: He's Cranky Grandpa at every family function, half crocked on Jim Beam, telling the kiddies, "Don't listen to your Dad -- he never knows what the hell he's talking about!" and then asking pre-teen Bud to pour him fresh one. "Dad," Mom's pained voice rings out from the kitchen, "For God's sake, don't make the kids get you a drink!" "Har, har, it'll make a man of him -- or a good bartender, the little shit! Har, har, har!" Yes, Gravel is that guy, right down to his baggy suspicious-of-all-the-crap eyes and the thumb on his nose waving at all the humbuggery and tomfoolery. Mike's about one hip surgery away from the I Don't Give A Fuck Anymore nursing home and he doesn't have any illusions regarding his chances of getting elected. He's in it for some fun and to go out in a blaze of crusty rhetorical glory as the overloaded handbasket nears the eternal depths, "I told them all at that goddamned debate what needed to be done but did they listen? NO! The hell with them! When's lunch at this goddamned joint?" God bless him; keep sluggin', Mike.

Dennis Kucinich
How'd He Do? You have to love a man who carries a bound pocket copy of the Constitution on him and can quote from it. Between him and Gravel, these are the only two candidates who deserve to be in this race. He isn't just echoing Hillary or pulling on Barack's sleeve. Kucinich actually has some bold new ideas -- like universal single-payer health coverage that cuts out the HMO-Big Pharma Corpocracy, impeaching Cheney and withdrawing from Iraq -- that diverge from the two Dem front-runners. Maybe he can't win, but I hope he stays in it all the way, if nothing else than to keep the Big Guns honest and give the public a glance at a real progressive.

His Biggest Problem: He has a tendency to go a little too 'folksy.' In last night's debate he went on about buying a house for $22.5 thou years ago to prove he was a member of the middle-class, and it overshadowed the important point he was making. Also, he should stop singing during speeches. He may not be 'electable' in 2008, but fifteen years from now all of the solutions Denny the K is talking about -- the things that are casually dismissed by the cynical know-it-all punditry -- will be the law of the land or else we'll be a dictatorship with a gutted third-world economy.
By the by, call me sexist but -- Mine Gott what a gorgeous wife he has! Talk about statuesque! She's enough to tempt any elfish monk to quit the monastery and devote himself to a life of idle lust. Unfortunately, she married Dennis, who's married to politics. Still, I hope he doesn't give himself a heart attack trying to service both loves in his life. Big applause for one of the few members of Congress who shows up to do his job.

Barack Obama
How'd He Do? The Black Knight of Progressivism put on a serviceable, solid performance, no loss, no gain. He exhibited the calm gravitas of a leader, and the grown-up ability, which we've almost forgotten from six years of the Immature Mental Midget of Midland, to think in 'nuance' and consider different aspects of a problem before arriving at a decision. Idiot Republicans consider this a sign of weakness and vacillation but, then, look at the shape we're in from their 'Decider's' quick gut solutions. It's too bad Keith Olbermann didn't have a sock handy to stuff into post-debate coverage colleague Chris Matthews' mouth when he repeated for the sixth time that Obama was 'sophisticated.' (Somebody buy the Screamer a thesaurus, for cripes sake.) Analysis by Big Brain Williams, Andrea "Mrs. Greenspan" Mitchell and Tucker "Rhymes With..." Carlson were all good excuses to visit the bathroom or cop a snack. Actually -- and I'm going to hate myself for saying this -- Joe Scarborough made the most sense of all of them except Keith.

His Biggest Problem: The hubris of the front-runner, although he has yet to officially achieve that status. In less than six months this political ICBM has closed a thirty point-plus gap with Hillary and is now within striking distance of taking the lead. He's also on par in money with Sen. Clinton and everything's going his way while she's fading. This is where smart campaign managers tend to tighten their sphincters and advise their candidates to play it safe and coast. That's also the end of the line for many candidates as people get tired of hearing strained-through-focus-groups opinions and the same retread speeches, especially in this volatile election year. Obama can nail it all, if he can maintain his integrity and his wits that have attracted voters of every color and ethnicity to his bandwagon, against the odds. We need a new FDR and Obama could evolve into that, but not by treading water in the shallow end of the pool. The GOP is on the run; if he stays strong and keeps on the hunt, Obama will bring about a landslide in November of 2008 and a turn to populist progressivism that hasn't been seen since 1944's Economic Bill of Rights. The country's ripe for it and Obama could be its standard-bearer.

Bill Richardson
How'd He Do? He looked like he was drunk. (Listen, this isn't to condemn the man: even The Tattlesnake needs a few pops sometimes before appearing in front of large crowds.) Still and all, it's probably not a good idea to show up at a presidential debate with a pint of Who-Hit-John in your raincoat and your back teeth floating. Bill made a few good points, but I was waiting for him to start projectile vomiting any second. ("Sorry, Brian, I guess it was something I -- hey, look, a kitty!") In the post-debate interview on MSNBC, he seemed to be having trouble getting his mouth to move in synch with his fuzzy tongue as a jazz band wailed in the background.

His Biggest Problem: Governor, as one tippler to another, I salute you, but I don't think Norman Rockwell's America is ready for Egbert Souse as president yet. (A tragedy.) Although having a president who could drink Harding under the table is an attractive idea, especially after six years of an alleged Born Again Teetotaler, the media would pounce all over you the first time you passed out drunk on the White House lawn, the Self-Righteous Bluenosed Yuppies. Seriously, there's nothing wrong with Richardson, except he labors in Dodd's shadow. And, Bill, don't go thinking anyone's going to dangle that Veep keychain before your bloodshot eyes either. Nada for you. Kriswell says...out by fall.