Rev. Falwell's Visit to Heaven Edition

A Short One-Act Play Featuring God, Jesus and Dick Nixon

(It is much as he thought it would be. The Rev. Jerry Falwell, shucking off the corruption and wretchedness of the flesh, flies through puffy white clouds, heading toward a pinpoint of light in the distance. As the pinpoint gets bigger, Jerry sees it is an enormous Eveready flashlight, the shiny silver six-battery Urban Enforcer model, held by an elderly black man with a long white beard in a terrycloth bathrobe. "We've been waiting for you," he says, as he leads Jerry through yet more clouds to a large golden door. "Go on in and make yourself comfortable," mutters the elderly man, opening the huge door. Inside there is a golden throne, the biggest he's ever seen, and sitting upon the throne is the Almighty God of the Universe. Twenty feet below the front of the throne is a plain wooden chair. Jerry sits down in the chair and stares up at God, his mouth agape.)

GOD: "You look surprised, Jerry."

FALWELL: "Well, ah, uh, Lord, you're not what I expected."

GOD: "Oh, really. How is that?"

FALWELL: "Well, ha, ha, I mean you're, ah...black, uh... and a woman... and, uh, you sound like Moms Mabley."

GOD: "That's right, Jerry. You got a problem with that?"

FALWELL: "Oh, no, no, no -- not at all, Lord..."

GOD: "Now Jesus here tells me that we have a little accountin' problem with y'all."

(Jesus emerges from behind a cloud, a tall man in a flowing white robe who strongly resembles Paul Robeson.)

FALWELL: "Jesus H. -- uh, I mean, Jesus -- you're black, too?!"

JESUS: "As you taught, Jerry, humanity was created in God's image, and the first real human beings were black folks in central Africa. If you'd studied science, you'd know that."

GOD: "Jesus, what do your calculations say Jerry owes us?"

JESUS: "Well, Mama, I figure in his lifetime Jerry collected about $1.5 billion in our names and he hasn't paid a cent to us."

GOD: "Whoa, another deadbeat. Okay, Jerry, pay up the $1.5 billion you owe and you can enter heaven."

FALWELL: "What -- I can't believe this! You use money in heaven?!"

GOD: "In heaven as it is on earth, Jer. And don't get cute with God -- you pay that money in good old U.S. currency."

FALWELL: "But I'm dead! I don't have any money!"

GOD: "You don't have any money? You collect $1.5 billion in the name of God and Jesus and YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY FOR US?!?!"

JESUS: "See, Jerry, the way it works up here is that whatever was the most important thing to you in life is what you must pay to get into heaven. Now, on the contrary, if you had renounced wealth and dedicated yourself to something altruistic like helping the poor or peace on earth, you would get a free pass into heaven. You really should have read the Bible more closely; I talked about this at length."

FALWELL: "I'd be glad to give you your money, but I don't have any in this these circumstances!"

GOD: "Hmmm, guess you shoulda thought of that while you were alive. What say, Jesus -- thumbs down?"

JESUS: "Oh, you know it, Mom."

GOD: "Sorry, Jerry, you don't have no money, you can go straight to hell."

JESUS: "Good for the company, I hear."

GOD: "Dick, we got another one for you."

(At that, Richard Nixon, his skin a bright red and sporting horns and a long forked tail, steps from behind a cloud, chuckling deeply.)

NIXON: "Come with me, Jer."

FALWELL: "This is crazy! I can't believe you're sending me to live in hell just because I don't have any money!"

GOD: "Just like on earth, Jerry."

NIXON: "Don't worry, Jer, hell's not so bad if you ever get used to the climate and the toxic smell, and you'll be surrounded by all your friends."

FALWELL: "But, but -- I dedicated my entire adult life to the glory of God and bringing Jesus' message of hope and salvation to the people! This just ISN'T FAIR!"

GOD: "Jesus, look who cares about being fair all of a sudden. Take him away, Dick."

FALWELL: "You can't do this to me -- I'm BORN AGAIN!"

NIXON: "Huh, huh, huh -- good one, Jer, but save your A material until we get downstairs."

(End)