The neocon natives are getting restless. Their bungling Texas hero and his trusty sidekick Deadeye Dick are tied to the track and the cavalry isn't on the horizon to save them. (It's bogged down fighting a civil war in Iraq.)
What's left of the Bush Believers -- that hardy little band impenetrably immune to fact or logic -- sense the downfall that's coming next, and they're desperately seeking a fallback position, one where they can claim that Bush would have prevailed in his screwy plans, if not for treasonous DemoRats, lefties, atheists, feminazis, pinkos, commies, Michael Moore, and the New Yawk Times, all of whom wield the levers of power in America, or, at least, that's what they'd like you to believe. Remember, these are the same types of mental giants who continued to insist on Nixon's innocence long after the tapes proving otherwise were made public and he had resigned in disgrace.
In the past six months, Your Intrepid Tattlesnake has received several emails from disheartened neocons, finally facing the reality that their little wax god is melting in the hot lights of his own unbelievable hubris and incredible incompetence.
Their bitter reaction, as evidenced by the email below, advises Bush to 'teach the country a lesson' for abandoning him by quitting because, to them, if you can't succeed you must always do something appallingly dumb as a parting shot to show others how bad things could be without you -- like the good Republican who slashed his own tires so that his wife couldn't go shopping on Sunday only to have to ride the bus to work on Monday and spend $1000.00 for new tires to prevent her from spending $200.00 on new clothes, which she eventually spent anyway. Guess he showed her. (Of course, in this case, Bush would actually be doing the country a favor by resigning, but the neocons don't know that.)
The piece of wincing scrap below, a fantasized speech by George W. Bush no doubt churned out by some so-far-unindicted Bush Goodling in the bowels of the RNC, is chockfull of laugh lines and eye-rollers by itself, but I couldn't resist adding my comments in bracketed italics.
It's concluding threat, that Nancy Pelosi would become president, is particularly risible. To rational people, the threat of a President Pelosi doesn't sound so bad -- how could she possibly do any worse than Ol' Blood & Oil and his greedy Halliburton Veep?
Here's the email in full, author unknown:
The speech George W. Bush SHOULD give:
Normally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans." Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.
[Love it or leave it, Mr. Bush? Take the 28 percent who are still Bush lovers along with you when you go.]
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit.
[Yay!]
Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: there's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.
[Well, except for incarcerating Americans for years without the right to due process and illegal warrantless wiretapping of US citizens, both contrary to your oath of office to uphold the Constitution; lying to get us into a war, violating international agreements by invading Iraq without UN Security Council permission, exposing a covert CIA agent for political reasons, sanctioning torture in defiance of the Geneva Convention treaty, using the Justice Department for political ends and about a half-dozen other impeachable offenses.]
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people.
[The feeling, judging by all the major polls, is mutual.]
I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
[Ha, ha, as if a pumped-up preppy rich kid, a hothouse flower and Yale legacy with a phony Texas accent who's been surrounded by bodyguards for six years, would have any idea of what's really going on in the world. In fact, the majority of us have been doing our homework, which is why you're so unpopular.]
Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton Administration. I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.
[The majority think the economy's in the tank because they've seen their good-paying jobs fly overseas leaving them wearing a blue Wal-Mart vest or flipping burgers for a living, if they even have a job. And if it hasn't happened to them, it's happened to a friend or family member. There are a record number of homeowners, and a record number of foreclosures and bankruptcies as those homeowners are unable to keep their homes, due to the situation described in the first sentence. There may very well be a record number of minority-owned businesses, but there are also a record number of small businesses going under. The official federal employment rate is culled from the number of people collecting unemployment benefits; the rate is low simply because many have run out of benefits, not necessarily because they found jobs.]
Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.
[While your pals in the stock market are getting richer, thanks both to the market temporarily rising from job cuts and GOP tax breaks for the wealthy, the rest of us 'whiners' out here are getting hit with the highest gas prices of all time, courtesy of your friends in the oil industry, who are earning record profits. Already other prices -- such as for food, clothing, etc. -- are rising as a result of the devaluation of the dollar and the high oil cost. Soon we'll be paying six bucks a gallon for regular, and it's not because of 'noisy idiots' who want to preserve polar bears and beaches, they don't set the price per gallon: it's because of your campaign contributors in the energy industry gouging us for all we're worth.]
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this "blood for oil" thing. If I was trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell.
[That's precisely what you did.]
And don't give me this 'Bush Lied People Died' crap either. If I was the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.'
[You tried and failed at that, too.]
Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty. Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me.
[That's true: your intelligence is faulty; has been your entire life. The rest of the world may have thought Saddam Hussein had some kind of bio-chemical weaponry (no nukes, though), but, except for you, your poodle Tony Blair, and a few small countries you bribed with our tax dollars, none of them thought the threat was serious enough to warrant an invasion of Iraq.]
Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named 'Clinton' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?
[Let me remind you that Clinton wasn't foolish enough to invade Iraq; in fact, he turned down a request in 1998 by Don Rumsfeld's Project for a New American Century to do just that. And you were the one, with Rummy and Dick, who cooked up the new Iraq War plan even before 9/11. It's pathetic and weak how you always try to blame all of your failures on Clinton. Can't you take responsibility for anything -- even the dumb wars you start?]
You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to outspend and out-tech them.
[We spend more than every other nation on earth for defense, and yet we can't find terrorists who live in caves and hijack airliners because they don't have an air force. This is what's making you shudder in fear? Coward. Maybe we need better police work, a better president and less of the Pentagon -- a howitzer isn't the most effective way to get rid of gnats, you idiot. And, by the way, when are you going to declare your 'War on Stairs'? After all, stair-related accidents cause more death and injury in this country than terrorist attacks.]
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you. And the bastards are all over the globe.
[And your belligerent policies are creating more of them every day. Unfortunately, they can't get to you, so they kill us. Why don't you, Cheney and Rumsfeld make a sacrifice for the nation and do this: Offer to the terrorists that you'll surrender to the International Court in The Hague to be tried for war crimes and we'll pull all of our armed forces out of the Middle East; in return, they vow to stop trying to kill Americans. If anyone attacks Israel, we'll go after them, but otherwise we'll let the nations there work out their own problems without our help and our blood. We'll pay whatever price they charge for oil while we convert our country to a sustainable energy source that doesn't enrich Saudi despots and keep them in power. The money saved from our leaving Iraq and other military installations in the Middle East would be enough to cover this conversion and the increased price of oil. Meanwhile, the US taxpayer will pop for the best lawyers we can find to defend you, Dick and Rummy at your trials. I think that's a pretty generous offer, considering that your administration has wasted so much of our military and our tax money, and ruined our standing in the world.]
You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that.
[No one has any idea because you've classified everything, only leaking that which makes you look good. Sorry, but your self-serving word isn't good enough.]
When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor'.
[That's an outright lie. In fact, we were told that Iraq would be a cakewalk; you even declared major combat operations in Iraq over on May 1, 2003. Apparently you don't recall that silly 'Mission Accomplished' PR stunt on the aircraft carrier -- you know, the one where you wore a flight suit and forgot to disconnect one of the straps so that it dug into your groin as you walked.]
Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.
[We defeated Nazi Germany and the Japanese Empire in less time than it's taken to pacify Iraq and Afghanistan, and we still haven't pacified Iraq or Afghanistan. Now, would that be due to the disastrous incompetence of the Commander in Chief? So far, every corner you've said has been turned has led up a blind alley and every prediction you've made about Iraq has been dead wrong. In the short lens of history, Al-Qaeda has prospered and Osama has gained influence while increasing numbers of the billion Muslims in the world hate us. With that track record, why should we trust your notion of what the 'long lens of history' will show? You can't even get the short term right.]
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dammit, you might just as well Fed Ex a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
[Oh, brother, are you full of crap. Glad you're not politicizing the war on terror.]
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter.
[That's right, Mr. President, it's all over 'the Internets': read Think Progress, Common Dreams, Buzzflash.com, Truthdig, Make Them Accountable, Bartcop, Disinfotainment Today, The Daily Kos, FAIR, Media Matters, and others to get the truth. Use 'the Google' to find their URLs.]
Most of you would rather watch American Idol.
[Most of us would rather not worship as an American idol a hapless and inept president who always tries to avoid responsibility for the disasters he causes, especially one who was originally installed in office by the Supreme Court rather than the votes of the majority of Americans.]
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.
[Apparently your head of Homeland Security was just as stupid. Michael Chertoff, and others, testified that he didn't know how bad things were in New Orleans until he read the paper after the hurricane hit. Mike "Heck of a job" Brown, your director of FEMA, wasn't prepared for the emergency either. The Army Corps of Engineers also assured the state that the levees they built would hold back the waters of Lake Ponchartrain in the event that a hurricane raised water levels. You yourself were warned (it's on video tape) before Katrina of the possibility of a hurricane ravaging New Orleans but you couldn't be bothered to take any action, just as you didn't do anything when you were warned by the CIA in a presidential daily briefing on August 6, 2001 that Osama bin Laden was determined to strike inside the United States. After all, in both cases you were on vacation in Crawford at the time.]
I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from.
[Thanks for that, President Pickpocket. You head up the largest, most expensive government in our history, and you're constantly adding new layers to the bureaucracy -- now you want a 'War Czar.' That used to be the president before you came along and decided the buck shouldn't stop with you.]
I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.
[Please don't try -- listening to you talk about anything these days is painful for most Americans.]
So, I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient.
['Fully self-sufficient' as long as Daddy and his friends are standing by, and there's plenty of cheap domestic help to be had, and there will be, thanks to your rotten economy.]
No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again.
[Thank God! The place is a hellhole where the temperatures during the summer soar over 100F; only an idiot would take a vacation in August in Crawford, Texas.]
Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.
[Before you can pull them down.]
Oh, by the way, Cheney's quitting, too.
[Double yay! Break out the champagne!]
That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it.
[How could she possibly be any worse?]
Watch what she does carefully because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.
[If by 'turn this thing around' you mean making it better by reversing your ignorant policies, then 'bring it on.']
So that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I mean.
[Yes we do, and it's frightening, unless you believe America should be a theocracy.]
The rest of you, Fuck off.
[The last two words of that sentence sum up your entire occupancy of the White House. It's just a shame we'll be paying a half-million a year to support you for the rest of your life after you quit, just as we paid for that disgraced crook Nixon to live in leisure.]
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