Breaking News
The Assimilated Press
April 10, 2007 4:18 PM EST
by S.R. Senaj
NASSAU, BAHAMAS -- Larry Birkhead, announcing this afternoon the decision by a Bahamas court that he is, according to DNA tests, the father of Anna Nicole Smith's youngest child Dannielynn, took the opportunity to also outline his plans for his future.
"I've decided to take advantage of all this publicity," Birkhead told the media and onlookers, "And announce that I am a candidate for the Republican nomination for president of the United States."
When asked why he was running, the former edible underwear salesman said, "I can't think of a better way to make some easy money and assure my and little Dannielynn's financial future. Those political candidates are raking in literally millions!"
A Fox News/Ipsos Factos Mall Insta-Poll taken immediately after Birkhead's announcement showed that, if the election were held today, Birkhead would best current GOP front-runner Rudy Giuliani 48 to 35 percent among likely Republican voters.
In Washington, a veteran Republican campaign operative, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the AP that he wasn't surprised at Birkhead's strong appeal to GOP voters, "Larry's the embodiment of everything Republicans love in a candidate: he has family values, an eye for money, and he's not too bright, so naturally he appeals to our base."
Also in Washington, the makers of "W" ketchup have announced the release this month of a new snack product called "Surgers," described by the company as pretzels coated in applesauce and pork fat.
In an unveiling ceremony in the White House Rose Garden April 13, the company plans to present President Bush with a complimentary two-year supply of the new snack.
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