Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Monday, July 09, 2012
Sunday, July 08, 2012
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Matching Prominent Republicans with Appropriate Film Titles
The story is Dan Quayle saw the 1972 Robert Redford film ‘The Candidate’ and thought it was a primer on entering politics instead of a warning about selling out one’s principles. Ronald Reagan is said to have had a regular weekly ‘movie premiere night’ while in the White House. Then we had GOP Rep. Kevin McCarthy using a clip from the 2010 Ben Affleck crime saga 'The Town’ to make a point to Teabaggers in Congress. For a party that has so much enmity towards Hollywood, seems the GOP loves itself some flicks, which got me to wondering what movie titles would accurately reflect certain prominent Republicans. For better or worse, here’s what I came up with, in no particular order:
-- Rick Perry: ‘They Live!’
-- John Boehner: ‘The Lost Weekend’
-- Mitch McConnell: ‘Hell Comes to Frogtown’ (or, ‘White Hunter, Black Heart’)
-- Mitt Romney: ‘Liar, Liar’
-- Michele Bachmann: ‘The Unbearable Lightness of Being’
-- Tim Pawlenty: ‘The Incredible Mr. Limpet’
-- Sarah Palin: ‘Mars Needs Women’
-- Allen West: 'Watermelon Man’
-- Paul Ryan: ‘Throw Momma from the Train’
-- Herman Cain: ‘Blackula’
-- George W. Bush: ‘Moon Over Parador’ (or, ‘Wag the Dog’)
-- Dick Cheney: ‘Above the Law’
-- Scott Walker: ‘Gone with the Wind’ (or, ‘The Great Dictator’)
-- John Kasich: ‘Joe Dirt’
-- Rick Snyder: ‘Shadow on the Land’
-- Rick Scott: ‘The Hucksters’
-- Rupert Murdoch: ‘Citizen Kane’
-- Rush Limbaugh: ‘It Came from Outer Space'
-- Glenn Beck: ‘Dumb and Dumber’
-- Bill O’Reilly: ‘The Mouse That Roared'
-- Sean Hannity: ‘Frances the Talking Mule’
-- Ann Coulter: ‘Heathers’
-- Michael Savage: ‘Home Alone’
-- Frank Luntz: ‘The Phantom of the Opera’
-- David H. Koch: ‘The Magic Christian’
-- Karl Rove: ‘Revenge of the Nerds’
-- Ron Paul: ‘Dr. Strangelove’
-- Rick Santorum: ‘Look Who’s Talking Now’
-- Newt Gingrich: ‘No Country for Old Men’ (or, 'Goldfinger')
-- Donald Trump: ‘Mr. Bug Goes to Town’ (or, ‘Hairspray')
© 2011 RS Janes. www.fishink.us
-- Rick Perry: ‘They Live!’
-- John Boehner: ‘The Lost Weekend’
-- Mitch McConnell: ‘Hell Comes to Frogtown’ (or, ‘White Hunter, Black Heart’)
-- Mitt Romney: ‘Liar, Liar’
-- Michele Bachmann: ‘The Unbearable Lightness of Being’
-- Tim Pawlenty: ‘The Incredible Mr. Limpet’
-- Sarah Palin: ‘Mars Needs Women’
-- Allen West: 'Watermelon Man’
-- Paul Ryan: ‘Throw Momma from the Train’
-- Herman Cain: ‘Blackula’
-- George W. Bush: ‘Moon Over Parador’ (or, ‘Wag the Dog’)
-- Dick Cheney: ‘Above the Law’
-- Scott Walker: ‘Gone with the Wind’ (or, ‘The Great Dictator’)
-- John Kasich: ‘Joe Dirt’
-- Rick Snyder: ‘Shadow on the Land’
-- Rick Scott: ‘The Hucksters’
-- Rupert Murdoch: ‘Citizen Kane’
-- Rush Limbaugh: ‘It Came from Outer Space'
-- Glenn Beck: ‘Dumb and Dumber’
-- Bill O’Reilly: ‘The Mouse That Roared'
-- Sean Hannity: ‘Frances the Talking Mule’
-- Ann Coulter: ‘Heathers’
-- Michael Savage: ‘Home Alone’
-- Frank Luntz: ‘The Phantom of the Opera’
-- David H. Koch: ‘The Magic Christian’
-- Karl Rove: ‘Revenge of the Nerds’
-- Ron Paul: ‘Dr. Strangelove’
-- Rick Santorum: ‘Look Who’s Talking Now’
-- Newt Gingrich: ‘No Country for Old Men’ (or, 'Goldfinger')
-- Donald Trump: ‘Mr. Bug Goes to Town’ (or, ‘Hairspray')
© 2011 RS Janes. www.fishink.us
Thursday, August 25, 2011
The 2+2 Job Interview
...or, how to get hired in corporate America.
A businessman was interviewing applicants for a corporate position. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job: he asked each applicant, "What is two plus two?"
The first applicant had an economics degree. He thought for a moment and then said, “This bearish market indicates it could be as low as 2.5 and as high as 5.6, but it depends on what Bernanke says tomorrow and what the EU does with the valuation of the Euro.”
The second interviewee was a former Fox News political pundit. His answer was a confident, "Twenty-two, of course."
The third job seeker was an ex-Microsoft phone tech. His answer was, “4.0, but you really should upgrade to the new 4.8 version! You can’t even get patches for 4.0 anymore!”
The next person was a former corporate lawyer. She stated that in the case of Malarkey v. Mathematics Professors of America, two and two seemed to be four, but that answer was contingent on any lawsuits that might arise from the inference that that answer was absolute, any subsequent riders that might be attached to the contract, any tort filings or motions currently under review, and any liens that might be imposed on the answer by the IRS. In any event, the lawyer refused to be responsible for her answer while the matter was still being negotiated out of court.
Next was a recently retired Republican politician. He said it depended on whether both twos belonged to a wealthy person or some poor schlub. In the case of a rich man, two plus two equaled “Tax cut”; in the case of the poor wretch, the answer was “Go to hell.”
Then there appeared a former Blue Dog Democrat. He said he would go along with whatever the Republican said while pretending he had a different answer.
An economist from the libertarian Cato Institute then entered. His reply to the question was short and sweet: “Unfettered free market capitalism is always the answer!”
Then a Messiah College graduate came into the office. She responded that two and two was whatever God said it was, unless it was something with which she didn’t agree -- then it was socialist and evil.
The next-to-last applicant was a Teabagger. After many minutes of long thought he said, “Could you ask me an easier question?”
The final applicant had previously worked for Enron and Standard and Poor’s. The now rather frustrated businessman asked him, "How much is two plus two?"
The applicant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it, then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
2011 RS Janes, rewritten from another joke.
www.fishink.us
A businessman was interviewing applicants for a corporate position. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job: he asked each applicant, "What is two plus two?"
The first applicant had an economics degree. He thought for a moment and then said, “This bearish market indicates it could be as low as 2.5 and as high as 5.6, but it depends on what Bernanke says tomorrow and what the EU does with the valuation of the Euro.”
The second interviewee was a former Fox News political pundit. His answer was a confident, "Twenty-two, of course."
The third job seeker was an ex-Microsoft phone tech. His answer was, “4.0, but you really should upgrade to the new 4.8 version! You can’t even get patches for 4.0 anymore!”
The next person was a former corporate lawyer. She stated that in the case of Malarkey v. Mathematics Professors of America, two and two seemed to be four, but that answer was contingent on any lawsuits that might arise from the inference that that answer was absolute, any subsequent riders that might be attached to the contract, any tort filings or motions currently under review, and any liens that might be imposed on the answer by the IRS. In any event, the lawyer refused to be responsible for her answer while the matter was still being negotiated out of court.
Next was a recently retired Republican politician. He said it depended on whether both twos belonged to a wealthy person or some poor schlub. In the case of a rich man, two plus two equaled “Tax cut”; in the case of the poor wretch, the answer was “Go to hell.”
Then there appeared a former Blue Dog Democrat. He said he would go along with whatever the Republican said while pretending he had a different answer.
An economist from the libertarian Cato Institute then entered. His reply to the question was short and sweet: “Unfettered free market capitalism is always the answer!”
Then a Messiah College graduate came into the office. She responded that two and two was whatever God said it was, unless it was something with which she didn’t agree -- then it was socialist and evil.
The next-to-last applicant was a Teabagger. After many minutes of long thought he said, “Could you ask me an easier question?”
The final applicant had previously worked for Enron and Standard and Poor’s. The now rather frustrated businessman asked him, "How much is two plus two?"
The applicant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it, then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
2011 RS Janes, rewritten from another joke.
www.fishink.us
Sunday, April 18, 2010
The Tattlesnake – Ask the Tattlesnake Edition
Dear Tattlesnake:
What is wrong with the GOP? Do you know?
Signed,
Worried in VT
Dear Worried:
The International Journal of Psychology claims that 20 to 25 percent of the population in any modern industrialized nation has some degree of serious brain damage or crippling psychosis. In America, we call those people 'Republicans.'
Hey You Turkey Boy:
The Rethuglicans are thieves and liars and the Democants are wimpy and can't get anything done and third parties are a total joke. So who do I vote for?
Signed,
Who Gives a Hairy Crap in WI
Dear Who Cares:
Anyone who opens an email to a stranger with 'Hey You Turkey Boy' and signs themselves as 'Who Gives a Hairy Crap' isn't someone who should be voting. Put your mind at ease, what's left of it, and stay home on Election Day.
Dear Mr. Tattlesnake:
With this new Supreme Court ruling that gives Constitutional rights to corporations, I incorporated myself. Now if I commit a crime, can't I just dissolve the corporation before they put me in jail?
Signed,
Del Inc. in Delavan
Dear Del Inc.:
Good idea, why don't you try that. I've always wondered who goes to jail when a corporation commits a crime – you could be a test case.
Dear Tattlesnake:
What's the best way to put teabags on my hat, glue or what? I want them there permanent-like, mind you.
Signed,
The Newtster
Dear Newtster:
A real teabagger doesn't affix teabags to his hat; he staples them directly to his head. Don't worry, if you're a real teabagger, you won't feel any pain.
Send your questions to editor@ltsaloon.org with 'Ask the Tattlesnake' in the subject line.
© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.
What is wrong with the GOP? Do you know?
Signed,
Worried in VT
Dear Worried:
The International Journal of Psychology claims that 20 to 25 percent of the population in any modern industrialized nation has some degree of serious brain damage or crippling psychosis. In America, we call those people 'Republicans.'
Hey You Turkey Boy:
The Rethuglicans are thieves and liars and the Democants are wimpy and can't get anything done and third parties are a total joke. So who do I vote for?
Signed,
Who Gives a Hairy Crap in WI
Dear Who Cares:
Anyone who opens an email to a stranger with 'Hey You Turkey Boy' and signs themselves as 'Who Gives a Hairy Crap' isn't someone who should be voting. Put your mind at ease, what's left of it, and stay home on Election Day.
Dear Mr. Tattlesnake:
With this new Supreme Court ruling that gives Constitutional rights to corporations, I incorporated myself. Now if I commit a crime, can't I just dissolve the corporation before they put me in jail?
Signed,
Del Inc. in Delavan
Dear Del Inc.:
Good idea, why don't you try that. I've always wondered who goes to jail when a corporation commits a crime – you could be a test case.
Dear Tattlesnake:
What's the best way to put teabags on my hat, glue or what? I want them there permanent-like, mind you.
Signed,
The Newtster
Dear Newtster:
A real teabagger doesn't affix teabags to his hat; he staples them directly to his head. Don't worry, if you're a real teabagger, you won't feel any pain.
Send your questions to editor@ltsaloon.org with 'Ask the Tattlesnake' in the subject line.
© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The Tattlesnake – Word on the Street Edition
In the spirit of the late Mike Royko's Slats Grobnik, here are comments from the unFoxed Vox Populi:
-- L.A. Mike, who was born and lived in Los Angeles for most of his life, on the Republicans paying $2K for simulated lesbian bondage at the Voyeur Club:
"What wrong with those dudes? It's really stupid. For half that price in L.A. you could rent a motel room, hire a couple of hookers, see the same show up close and join in if you felt like it. You'd even have enough left for a bottle of some primo liquor. That's really a stupid waste of money."
-- V.J., a small business owner for over 20 years, on Obama's tax plan:
"I'm a middle-class small business owner and everybody was telling me, 'watch out, Obama's gonna raise your taxes!' I just got my tax forms back from my accountant and I'm paying $800 less this year than last, and he specifically said it was thanks to two deductions Obama put through. If this is Obama's big tax increase for the middle-class, keep it coming!"
-- Anna, who worked in state government for 20 years, on Sarah Palin:
"I don't get it – how do you quit as governor and then pass yourself off as a winner? How do you tell other families to practice abstinence when your own kid gets pregnant when she's underage? Why does anybody take her seriously?"
-- Al, who worked at a mail order firm, on the ruthless corporate culture:
"Worked at the same job for 12 years. We heard the rumor that company was being sold, but my boss, the owner of the company, looked me straight in the eye and told me he'd never sell and I'd always have a job there. Six months later we're all fired and the owner makes off with a fortune from selling the company. I asked one of the ladies in accounting what happened – the S.O.B. was in the process of selling the company the very day he told me that B.S. that he'd never sell! The lady said he lied because he didn't want people quitting to take other jobs before the new owner took over – wanted to squeeze every dime out of the place, even if it left us flat. He lied to my face and I thought this man was my friend!"
-- Vernon, who managed an office for 10 years, talks about Michael Steele's RNC spending:
"I'll tell you this: If I had been charging anything from Tiffany's or the liquor store to 'office supplies,' and I had approved an expenditure of a couple grand to a strip club, there would have been about two minutes before I was fired and out on the street. I don't know how he gets away with it."
-- Lily, a waitress at an upscale restaurant, on GOP tax cuts:
"Why doesn't the media ever call these guys out? They get up there, these Republicans, always talking about tax cuts and they're rich as fuck! Sure, they want tax cuts – for themselves! Yeah, I got my little piddley-ass tax cut from Bush, and the price of everything went up, including my state taxes, so I went way further in the hole. They really treat us like we're too dumb to know what they're doing. Fuckers!"
-- Rory, who once worked at a mental health facility, on the Teabaggers:
"These people must all have Alzheimer's like Reagan. They don't remember we had big deficits and big government under Republicans since Reagan? They don't remember Reagan bailed out the savings and loans in the 1980s? I didn't see them out there screaming and yelling then. They think the shitty economy started under Obama? Give me a break. They just hate him cause he's black. These tea party people should go to their doctors and be tested for Alzheimer's – they've definitely lost it. I mean if they can afford a head doctor on their fixed incomes -- oh, wait a sec, Medicare will pay for that so they're covered!"
-- L.A. Mike, who was born and lived in Los Angeles for most of his life, on the Republicans paying $2K for simulated lesbian bondage at the Voyeur Club:
"What wrong with those dudes? It's really stupid. For half that price in L.A. you could rent a motel room, hire a couple of hookers, see the same show up close and join in if you felt like it. You'd even have enough left for a bottle of some primo liquor. That's really a stupid waste of money."
-- V.J., a small business owner for over 20 years, on Obama's tax plan:
"I'm a middle-class small business owner and everybody was telling me, 'watch out, Obama's gonna raise your taxes!' I just got my tax forms back from my accountant and I'm paying $800 less this year than last, and he specifically said it was thanks to two deductions Obama put through. If this is Obama's big tax increase for the middle-class, keep it coming!"
-- Anna, who worked in state government for 20 years, on Sarah Palin:
"I don't get it – how do you quit as governor and then pass yourself off as a winner? How do you tell other families to practice abstinence when your own kid gets pregnant when she's underage? Why does anybody take her seriously?"
-- Al, who worked at a mail order firm, on the ruthless corporate culture:
"Worked at the same job for 12 years. We heard the rumor that company was being sold, but my boss, the owner of the company, looked me straight in the eye and told me he'd never sell and I'd always have a job there. Six months later we're all fired and the owner makes off with a fortune from selling the company. I asked one of the ladies in accounting what happened – the S.O.B. was in the process of selling the company the very day he told me that B.S. that he'd never sell! The lady said he lied because he didn't want people quitting to take other jobs before the new owner took over – wanted to squeeze every dime out of the place, even if it left us flat. He lied to my face and I thought this man was my friend!"
-- Vernon, who managed an office for 10 years, talks about Michael Steele's RNC spending:
"I'll tell you this: If I had been charging anything from Tiffany's or the liquor store to 'office supplies,' and I had approved an expenditure of a couple grand to a strip club, there would have been about two minutes before I was fired and out on the street. I don't know how he gets away with it."
-- Lily, a waitress at an upscale restaurant, on GOP tax cuts:
"Why doesn't the media ever call these guys out? They get up there, these Republicans, always talking about tax cuts and they're rich as fuck! Sure, they want tax cuts – for themselves! Yeah, I got my little piddley-ass tax cut from Bush, and the price of everything went up, including my state taxes, so I went way further in the hole. They really treat us like we're too dumb to know what they're doing. Fuckers!"
-- Rory, who once worked at a mental health facility, on the Teabaggers:
"These people must all have Alzheimer's like Reagan. They don't remember we had big deficits and big government under Republicans since Reagan? They don't remember Reagan bailed out the savings and loans in the 1980s? I didn't see them out there screaming and yelling then. They think the shitty economy started under Obama? Give me a break. They just hate him cause he's black. These tea party people should go to their doctors and be tested for Alzheimer's – they've definitely lost it. I mean if they can afford a head doctor on their fixed incomes -- oh, wait a sec, Medicare will pay for that so they're covered!"
Friday, November 06, 2009
The Tattlesnake – Post-Election Portents and Predictions Edition
…And How the Big Media Speculators Got It Wrong Again
The usual Big Media Punchinellos were out in force the past few days, blaring and bleating the Beltway Conventional Wisdom that the Democratic Party's loss of the gubernatorial elections in Virginia and New Jersey are a sure referendum on Obama Administration policies. This is the sort of doomed facile reasoning found in the bottom of a Washington cocktail glass typical of Our Pundit Class who, from non-existent Iraq WMD to Fred Thompson's popularity with voters, can never seem to fit the square peg in the round hole, pound though they might.
A brief review of the Dem candidates in VA and NJ clearly shows why progressives and like-minded independents didn't bother to vote for Creigh Deeds in Virginia or Jon Corzine in New Jersey, and it had nothing to do with Obama. For various reasons explained below, they were both terrible candidates.
Creigh Deeds: In an era of change, Deeds was a shambling throwback, a dismal campaign clunker with four flat tires, who rejected Obama's advice and help until it dawned on him in the final weeks he was going to lose in a landslide. He ran a miserably negative campaign, devoid of ideas, and presented his pap on toast so dry even peppy Dem loyalists fought to stay awake during his speeches. A Dem Blue Dog so blue he threatened to opt out of a public option should it become available to Virginians, he was nearly as conservative as his GOP opponent Bob McDonnell. Why leave the house to vote when the choice is between a Republican and a Dem who thinks like a Republican? Seen clearly, this was a referendum, and portent of the future, for Blue Dog Dems rather than President Obama.
Jon Corzine: The one-time US Senator who was just bounced from the governor's mansion is a Goldman Sachs Golden Boy who made piles of money on Wall Street and insists on spending it on vanity campaigns. Why he doesn't just buy a new summer home or sumptuous overpriced yacht instead of squadering his fortune to impose himself on our political process is beyond me, but Corzine has never shown much talent for governing once elected, and what few things he has accomplished were always moderate to the point of invisibility. Jon is the kind of drab Dudley Do-Nothing the Democratic Party needs to send packing, if they expect to keep the majority in the future. Again, the portentiousness of Corzine's defeat was not his affiliation with Obama's policies, but the yellow line up the middle of his back from avoiding tenaciously either the right or left lane. He will not be missed, at least by this writer.
The point? Neither of them were progressives and didn't stir independents or liberal Dems to go out and vote for them.
And now to stare into the crystal – but not Kristol – ball for some predictions on the Republican winners of those two elections:
Bob McDonnell: The Republican who just won the governor's race in Virginia is a graduate of Pat Robertson's Regent University and has been steeped in Christopublican politics his entire adult life. McDonnell campaigned on a Chuck-E-Cheesy slogan of "Bob's 4 Jobs" but when Virginians discover Bob's secret plan to create jobs is to pray twice a day, they'll be anxious to dump him in the next election. Either that or, Ted Haggard clone that he is, he'll get caught up in some lurid sex scandal, perhaps involving farm animals – male farm animals, of course, in a stall in the Minneapolis airport. "Hey, how did you sneak that horse in here?!"
Chris Christie: The GOP candidate who swept Corzine from the New Jersey governor's mansion was once a NJ federal prosecutor, appointed by the Bush/Rove locus of governmental crime. While in that job he had been repeatedly tied to corruption and malfeasance, including handing out no-bid contracts to friends, using his office to help his brother's shaky Wall Street firm, connections to a Genovese Family crime boss (Tino "The Greek" Fiumara), and he was censured for refusing to prosecute Bristol-Myers-Squibb for criminal fraud, instead letting them pay a $311,000 fine and donate $5 million to his alma mater, Seton Hall University School of Law. (Considering the billions B-M-S makes, the fine and donation were a slap on the wrist.) And keep in mind it's New Jersey, next to Texas the most corrupt state in the union, and this guy has been a major player in the Bush mold -- it's only a matter of time before he sells some indulgence, takes a bribe, or springs some crook and then he's on his way out the door. The only thing you can say for Christie is that he was smart enough to refuse Sarah Palin's offer to campaign for him.
Meanwhile, the real action was in New York's 23rd Congressional District, the most reliably conservative and Republican in the state. Even after GOP bigwigs like Sarah Palin, Tim Pawlenty, Dick Armey, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Glenn Beck sang his praises, Conservative Party candidate Doug "The Bullet's in My Top Pocket" Hoffman was defeated by liberal Democrat and union-supporter Bill Owens. The Republican civil war has started in earnest and I think when the Christopublican-Teabagger wing of the GOP nominates Palin in 2012, that will be it -- many Republicans will pull out and vote Libertarian or nominate their own candidate, someone like Colin Powell. When Palin is beaten by the largest landslide in American history, bringing many other Republicans down with her, the GOP will be no more, just as the Whigs became extinct when Lincoln was elected in 1860. I don't know what will replace the GOP, but I'll bet it won't have 'Republican' in the name.
If you're looking for a bellwether of future elections and the direction the country's heading, this upstate New York congressional election presents a far better portent than do the elections in Virginia and New Jersey, but you'd never know that from watching our puerile Punditocracy diddle itself dizzy on nationwide television.
Contact the author at editor@ltsaloon.org
© 2009 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.
The usual Big Media Punchinellos were out in force the past few days, blaring and bleating the Beltway Conventional Wisdom that the Democratic Party's loss of the gubernatorial elections in Virginia and New Jersey are a sure referendum on Obama Administration policies. This is the sort of doomed facile reasoning found in the bottom of a Washington cocktail glass typical of Our Pundit Class who, from non-existent Iraq WMD to Fred Thompson's popularity with voters, can never seem to fit the square peg in the round hole, pound though they might.
A brief review of the Dem candidates in VA and NJ clearly shows why progressives and like-minded independents didn't bother to vote for Creigh Deeds in Virginia or Jon Corzine in New Jersey, and it had nothing to do with Obama. For various reasons explained below, they were both terrible candidates.
Creigh Deeds: In an era of change, Deeds was a shambling throwback, a dismal campaign clunker with four flat tires, who rejected Obama's advice and help until it dawned on him in the final weeks he was going to lose in a landslide. He ran a miserably negative campaign, devoid of ideas, and presented his pap on toast so dry even peppy Dem loyalists fought to stay awake during his speeches. A Dem Blue Dog so blue he threatened to opt out of a public option should it become available to Virginians, he was nearly as conservative as his GOP opponent Bob McDonnell. Why leave the house to vote when the choice is between a Republican and a Dem who thinks like a Republican? Seen clearly, this was a referendum, and portent of the future, for Blue Dog Dems rather than President Obama.
Jon Corzine: The one-time US Senator who was just bounced from the governor's mansion is a Goldman Sachs Golden Boy who made piles of money on Wall Street and insists on spending it on vanity campaigns. Why he doesn't just buy a new summer home or sumptuous overpriced yacht instead of squadering his fortune to impose himself on our political process is beyond me, but Corzine has never shown much talent for governing once elected, and what few things he has accomplished were always moderate to the point of invisibility. Jon is the kind of drab Dudley Do-Nothing the Democratic Party needs to send packing, if they expect to keep the majority in the future. Again, the portentiousness of Corzine's defeat was not his affiliation with Obama's policies, but the yellow line up the middle of his back from avoiding tenaciously either the right or left lane. He will not be missed, at least by this writer.
The point? Neither of them were progressives and didn't stir independents or liberal Dems to go out and vote for them.
And now to stare into the crystal – but not Kristol – ball for some predictions on the Republican winners of those two elections:
Bob McDonnell: The Republican who just won the governor's race in Virginia is a graduate of Pat Robertson's Regent University and has been steeped in Christopublican politics his entire adult life. McDonnell campaigned on a Chuck-E-Cheesy slogan of "Bob's 4 Jobs" but when Virginians discover Bob's secret plan to create jobs is to pray twice a day, they'll be anxious to dump him in the next election. Either that or, Ted Haggard clone that he is, he'll get caught up in some lurid sex scandal, perhaps involving farm animals – male farm animals, of course, in a stall in the Minneapolis airport. "Hey, how did you sneak that horse in here?!"
Chris Christie: The GOP candidate who swept Corzine from the New Jersey governor's mansion was once a NJ federal prosecutor, appointed by the Bush/Rove locus of governmental crime. While in that job he had been repeatedly tied to corruption and malfeasance, including handing out no-bid contracts to friends, using his office to help his brother's shaky Wall Street firm, connections to a Genovese Family crime boss (Tino "The Greek" Fiumara), and he was censured for refusing to prosecute Bristol-Myers-Squibb for criminal fraud, instead letting them pay a $311,000 fine and donate $5 million to his alma mater, Seton Hall University School of Law. (Considering the billions B-M-S makes, the fine and donation were a slap on the wrist.) And keep in mind it's New Jersey, next to Texas the most corrupt state in the union, and this guy has been a major player in the Bush mold -- it's only a matter of time before he sells some indulgence, takes a bribe, or springs some crook and then he's on his way out the door. The only thing you can say for Christie is that he was smart enough to refuse Sarah Palin's offer to campaign for him.
Meanwhile, the real action was in New York's 23rd Congressional District, the most reliably conservative and Republican in the state. Even after GOP bigwigs like Sarah Palin, Tim Pawlenty, Dick Armey, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Glenn Beck sang his praises, Conservative Party candidate Doug "The Bullet's in My Top Pocket" Hoffman was defeated by liberal Democrat and union-supporter Bill Owens. The Republican civil war has started in earnest and I think when the Christopublican-Teabagger wing of the GOP nominates Palin in 2012, that will be it -- many Republicans will pull out and vote Libertarian or nominate their own candidate, someone like Colin Powell. When Palin is beaten by the largest landslide in American history, bringing many other Republicans down with her, the GOP will be no more, just as the Whigs became extinct when Lincoln was elected in 1860. I don't know what will replace the GOP, but I'll bet it won't have 'Republican' in the name.
If you're looking for a bellwether of future elections and the direction the country's heading, this upstate New York congressional election presents a far better portent than do the elections in Virginia and New Jersey, but you'd never know that from watching our puerile Punditocracy diddle itself dizzy on nationwide television.
Contact the author at editor@ltsaloon.org
© 2009 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Twisted Songs of the Season, Republican Edition
Bush Junior: "All I Want For Christmas is My Three Front War"
Dick Cheney: "(It's Lovely Weather for a) Slay Ride"
Ann Coulter: "Goy to the World"
Rudy Giuliani: "Rudolph the Long-Nosed Reign-Deer"
Sean Hannity: "The Little War-Drummer Boy"
Mike Huckabee: "(I'm Dreaming of) White Christians"
Duncan Hunter: "Nasty the Low Man"
Joe Lieberman: "Missile Joe and Folly"
Rush Limbaugh: "Ding Dong! Merrily I'm High"
John McCain: "I'll Be Home Next Christmas"
Michael Mukasey: "My Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire..."
Rupert Murdoch: "Deck the Halls (with Bags of Money)"
Bill O'Reilly: "Do You Hear What I Hear?"
Mitt Romney: "Have Yourself a Mormon Little Christian"
Fred Thompson: "(Walking in a) Winter Blunderland"
Congressional Republicans: "A King Is Born on High"
Closeted Gay Christopublicans: "O Come All Ye Faithful"
Neocon Talk Shows: "Unsilent Right"
Wall Street Investors: "Jingo Bears"
Christmas in America, 2007
"What were you thinking letting those two stay in our barn?"
"The woman's pregnant -- she's going to have the baby any time now. What's the harm?"
"Why doesn't she go to a hospital then?"
"She can't -- the governor signed a law preventing people from other lands from using our hospitals."
"Well, I still think you made a mistake. Why don't they stay at a hotel or something?"
"They're poor -- they don't have a dime. Don't worry, they won't cause any trouble in the barn."
"That old man seems pretty shifty to me -- what if he barges in here and cuts our throats while we're sleeping?"
"I talked to him, he seems like a nice man. I doubt that's going to happen."
"That's another thing -- what is that old man doing married to that young girl?"
"That's the custom where they're from."
"Weird customs and they're flat broke. Great. Why didn't they stay home to have this baby; why are they on the road? Did it ever occur to you they're wanted by the law?"
"Would you calm down? They're just going to stay here a few days and move on. They don't seem like the criminal type."
"Oh, yeah, well, what are they going to eat while they're here?"
"We have more than we need; it won't hurt us to help them out with a little food."
"Are you going to start letting every bum you meet stay in our barn and eat our food?"
(Just then, the sound of a baby crying is heard.)
"Looks like she had the kid. I'm going to go out and get a good look at these foreigners."
"Be nice."
(Ten minutes later.)
"Do you know what she named the kid? 'Hey-Zeus.' What -- are they greeting some pagan god? What kind of weird name is that?"
"It's a common name in their land."
"And they've got three more of their bum friends out there, hanging around looking suspicious. They're dressed up pretty strange and they don't seem right to me. This might be their gang who're here to slit our throats and take our money. You'd better do something."
"I'll take a look."
(Several minutes later.)
"It's fine; just some visitors from the east here to pay their respects. They aren't going to stay long."
"Sure -- why not just bring in everyone they know and have a party!"
"Just relax -- look, the three men are leaving. Everything's fine, let's go to bed."
"I'm going to sleep with one eye open and a knife under my pillow."
"Believe me, that's not necessary."
"What if these people like it here? What if they decide to stay and live here, taking our jobs and sending their kids to our schools? Do you want to pay for all that? Our taxes are high enough as it is!"
"So, they'll work and earn their way and pay their taxes, just like we did when we started out."
"You're really stupid. You don't understand these foreigners, they aren't like us -- all they want to do is sit around and get high and have kids and live on welfare."
"That's what they said about your grandfather when he moved here."
"That was different; he was a religious man with faith and a hard worker."
"I have a feeling these folks are, too."
"If they were, they would have thought about how they were going to support this kid before they had it."
"Not everyone is as fortunate as you."
"That's too bad for them.""Merry Christmas to you, too."
"Are you being sarcastic again?"
"Are you?"
[End]
Dick Cheney: "(It's Lovely Weather for a) Slay Ride"
Ann Coulter: "Goy to the World"
Rudy Giuliani: "Rudolph the Long-Nosed Reign-Deer"
Sean Hannity: "The Little War-Drummer Boy"
Mike Huckabee: "(I'm Dreaming of) White Christians"
Duncan Hunter: "Nasty the Low Man"
Joe Lieberman: "Missile Joe and Folly"
Rush Limbaugh: "Ding Dong! Merrily I'm High"
John McCain: "I'll Be Home Next Christmas"
Michael Mukasey: "My Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire..."
Rupert Murdoch: "Deck the Halls (with Bags of Money)"
Bill O'Reilly: "Do You Hear What I Hear?"
Mitt Romney: "Have Yourself a Mormon Little Christian"
Fred Thompson: "(Walking in a) Winter Blunderland"
Congressional Republicans: "A King Is Born on High"
Closeted Gay Christopublicans: "O Come All Ye Faithful"
Neocon Talk Shows: "Unsilent Right"
Wall Street Investors: "Jingo Bears"
Christmas in America, 2007
"What were you thinking letting those two stay in our barn?"
"The woman's pregnant -- she's going to have the baby any time now. What's the harm?"
"Why doesn't she go to a hospital then?"
"She can't -- the governor signed a law preventing people from other lands from using our hospitals."
"Well, I still think you made a mistake. Why don't they stay at a hotel or something?"
"They're poor -- they don't have a dime. Don't worry, they won't cause any trouble in the barn."
"That old man seems pretty shifty to me -- what if he barges in here and cuts our throats while we're sleeping?"
"I talked to him, he seems like a nice man. I doubt that's going to happen."
"That's another thing -- what is that old man doing married to that young girl?"
"That's the custom where they're from."
"Weird customs and they're flat broke. Great. Why didn't they stay home to have this baby; why are they on the road? Did it ever occur to you they're wanted by the law?"
"Would you calm down? They're just going to stay here a few days and move on. They don't seem like the criminal type."
"Oh, yeah, well, what are they going to eat while they're here?"
"We have more than we need; it won't hurt us to help them out with a little food."
"Are you going to start letting every bum you meet stay in our barn and eat our food?"
(Just then, the sound of a baby crying is heard.)
"Looks like she had the kid. I'm going to go out and get a good look at these foreigners."
"Be nice."
(Ten minutes later.)
"Do you know what she named the kid? 'Hey-Zeus.' What -- are they greeting some pagan god? What kind of weird name is that?"
"It's a common name in their land."
"And they've got three more of their bum friends out there, hanging around looking suspicious. They're dressed up pretty strange and they don't seem right to me. This might be their gang who're here to slit our throats and take our money. You'd better do something."
"I'll take a look."
(Several minutes later.)
"It's fine; just some visitors from the east here to pay their respects. They aren't going to stay long."
"Sure -- why not just bring in everyone they know and have a party!"
"Just relax -- look, the three men are leaving. Everything's fine, let's go to bed."
"I'm going to sleep with one eye open and a knife under my pillow."
"Believe me, that's not necessary."
"What if these people like it here? What if they decide to stay and live here, taking our jobs and sending their kids to our schools? Do you want to pay for all that? Our taxes are high enough as it is!"
"So, they'll work and earn their way and pay their taxes, just like we did when we started out."
"You're really stupid. You don't understand these foreigners, they aren't like us -- all they want to do is sit around and get high and have kids and live on welfare."
"That's what they said about your grandfather when he moved here."
"That was different; he was a religious man with faith and a hard worker."
"I have a feeling these folks are, too."
"If they were, they would have thought about how they were going to support this kid before they had it."
"Not everyone is as fortunate as you."
"That's too bad for them.""Merry Christmas to you, too."
"Are you being sarcastic again?"
"Are you?"
[End]
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Headlines at a Glance Edition
Who Knows -- They Might Even Be Real Someday
Bush Seeks 'Decision Czar' to Run Executive Branch
"I'm the decider," says president, "and I decided we needed somebody to make the decisions around here."
Rice Asks for 'New Strategy' in Middle East
"But no one should imply that the old one isn't working fine, of course," the Secretary of State tells reporters
New GOP Bill Says Illegal Immigrants Should Be Sold to Highest Bidder
"This is the traditional American way we dealt with unskilled workers who came over here for jobs," says bill co-sponsor Mississippi Sen. Trent Lott, "I think it's time we tried it again."
Cheney: Iran Bought Yellow Cake Uranium from Niger
"We have the proof," claims vice president, "We just received the intelligence documents from Italy."
Phil Leotardo Named New US Ambassador to Iraq
"So he's not real and he's dead," says White House press aide, "He'll fit right in over there."
Bill O'Reilly Wins Nobel Prize in Fiction
"It took them long enough," jokes political pundit as Stockholm committee names "Culture Warrior" for top award
Paris Hilton to Run for L.A. County Sheriff
Celebrity heiress: "This is my first move to show everybody I'm not really dumb."
TV Actor Arrested in Motel Room with Rental Car Navigation System
"This is unnatural, disgusting," says police spokesperson, "Pants down, drooling -- I can't even describe what he was trying to do to it -- he was mumbling something about 'awesome Chinese' when we caught him."
US Senior Found Who Exists Without Prescription Medication
"Not even an aspirin," says Hugo Wayback, 81, "and I'm healthy as a horse."
Hasselhoff Slated for Hip Operation
"Everybody thinks I'm passé, out of it," says actor, "I'll show them."
Super TB Man Hired to Prosecute JFK Plotters
Andrew Speaker claims if there's a case here, he'll find it
Bush Seeks 'Decision Czar' to Run Executive Branch
"I'm the decider," says president, "and I decided we needed somebody to make the decisions around here."
Rice Asks for 'New Strategy' in Middle East
"But no one should imply that the old one isn't working fine, of course," the Secretary of State tells reporters
New GOP Bill Says Illegal Immigrants Should Be Sold to Highest Bidder
"This is the traditional American way we dealt with unskilled workers who came over here for jobs," says bill co-sponsor Mississippi Sen. Trent Lott, "I think it's time we tried it again."
Cheney: Iran Bought Yellow Cake Uranium from Niger
"We have the proof," claims vice president, "We just received the intelligence documents from Italy."
Phil Leotardo Named New US Ambassador to Iraq
"So he's not real and he's dead," says White House press aide, "He'll fit right in over there."
Bill O'Reilly Wins Nobel Prize in Fiction
"It took them long enough," jokes political pundit as Stockholm committee names "Culture Warrior" for top award
Paris Hilton to Run for L.A. County Sheriff
Celebrity heiress: "This is my first move to show everybody I'm not really dumb."
TV Actor Arrested in Motel Room with Rental Car Navigation System
"This is unnatural, disgusting," says police spokesperson, "Pants down, drooling -- I can't even describe what he was trying to do to it -- he was mumbling something about 'awesome Chinese' when we caught him."
US Senior Found Who Exists Without Prescription Medication
"Not even an aspirin," says Hugo Wayback, 81, "and I'm healthy as a horse."
Hasselhoff Slated for Hip Operation
"Everybody thinks I'm passé, out of it," says actor, "I'll show them."
Super TB Man Hired to Prosecute JFK Plotters
Andrew Speaker claims if there's a case here, he'll find it
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Comparing Plastered Paris and the Plastic GOP Edition
Twenty-One Incredible Similarities Between Paris Hilton and the Republican Party:
1. Both are famous for accomplishing nothing.
2. Both have large amounts of unearned income derived from an intimate relationship with the wealthy.
3. Both constantly pose for empty photo-ops.
4. Neither one has a brain cell between them.
5. Both deserve jail time for sheer incompetence and stupidity.
6. Both have exploited pornography for media attention.
7. Both retain a tiny fan base of faithful idiots who believe they can do no wrong.
8. Each causes grief for themselves whenever they 'Rove.'
9. Both try to solve complex problems with simple-minded answers.
10. Both have trouble separating fantasy from reality.
11. Both have a Bush.
12. Both like Dick.
13. Both whine and cry like babies when held accountable for the trouble they bring on themselves.
14. Both rely on cheesy marketing ploys to manipulate the media.
15. Both wish they had some acting talent to salvage their futures.
16. Both are held in contempt by most Americans, sick and tired of their silly antics.
17. Both are vain and self-absorbed, and pretend to be something they're not.
18. Both should never be allowed behind the wheel again.
19. Both are usually drunk on something.
20. Both have a habit of attacking their old friends.
21. Both would look good in orange jumpsuits.
1. Both are famous for accomplishing nothing.
2. Both have large amounts of unearned income derived from an intimate relationship with the wealthy.
3. Both constantly pose for empty photo-ops.
4. Neither one has a brain cell between them.
5. Both deserve jail time for sheer incompetence and stupidity.
6. Both have exploited pornography for media attention.
7. Both retain a tiny fan base of faithful idiots who believe they can do no wrong.
8. Each causes grief for themselves whenever they 'Rove.'
9. Both try to solve complex problems with simple-minded answers.
10. Both have trouble separating fantasy from reality.
11. Both have a Bush.
12. Both like Dick.
13. Both whine and cry like babies when held accountable for the trouble they bring on themselves.
14. Both rely on cheesy marketing ploys to manipulate the media.
15. Both wish they had some acting talent to salvage their futures.
16. Both are held in contempt by most Americans, sick and tired of their silly antics.
17. Both are vain and self-absorbed, and pretend to be something they're not.
18. Both should never be allowed behind the wheel again.
19. Both are usually drunk on something.
20. Both have a habit of attacking their old friends.
21. Both would look good in orange jumpsuits.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Headlines of the Future: Don Imus Edition
April 11, 2007: Imus Fired From MSNBC
April 13, 2007: NBC President Claims He Never Heard of Imus Before Firing Him, Anywhere, Ever
April 16, 2007: CBS Cancels 'I-Man' After He Calls News Anchor Couric a "Snappy-Haired Snore"
April 17, 2007: Rutgers Team Meets with Imus; Recommends Castration, Lethal Injection for Beleaguered TV-Radio Host
April 18, 2007: Stetson Nixes Imus Spots After "Crappy-Hatted Bores" Slap at Texans
April 20, 2007: Imus Loses Every Sponsor Except Denny's Restaurants
April 27, 2007: Imus Off Air In US Radio, TV Markets
May 3, 2007: Former Radio Giant Don Imus Hired as Graveyard Jock at 5K WHUP-AM in Stumblefluck, Alabama
May 30, 2007: Imus Dropped From WHUP-AM Line Up; "Don Just Didn't Notch the Ratings We Expected," Says Station's Program Director
June 4, 2007: Former Imus Guest Bo Dietl Hospitalized for 'Continuous Cognitive Dissonance' and 'Gross Public Imbecility'; "Case is Incurable," Claims Doctor
July 6, 2007: Imus Starts College Lecture Tour at Bob Jones University
August 12, 2007: Don Imus Publishes Memoirs; "I Loves De Ho's" in Bookstores Friday
September 21, 2007: Imus Inks Endorsement Contract with Ho-Ho's
September 22, 2007: Imus Ho-Ho's Contract Dead After Interstate Bakeries Corp. President Reads Ex-Shock Jock's Memoirs; "I Thought He Was Writing About Snack Cakes," Explains Ho-Ho's Chief
November 7, 2007: TV's Celebrity Boxing Features Don Imus vs. Armstrong Williams Match
December 22, 2007: Controversial Media Figure Don Imus Retires from Show Business at Age 65
June 2, 2009: Where Are They Now? Imus Still Feisty in Retirement
October 12, 2012: Former Radio Star Don Imus Killed in Bar Fight with African-American Prostitute
April 13, 2007: NBC President Claims He Never Heard of Imus Before Firing Him, Anywhere, Ever
April 16, 2007: CBS Cancels 'I-Man' After He Calls News Anchor Couric a "Snappy-Haired Snore"
April 17, 2007: Rutgers Team Meets with Imus; Recommends Castration, Lethal Injection for Beleaguered TV-Radio Host
April 18, 2007: Stetson Nixes Imus Spots After "Crappy-Hatted Bores" Slap at Texans
April 20, 2007: Imus Loses Every Sponsor Except Denny's Restaurants
April 27, 2007: Imus Off Air In US Radio, TV Markets
May 3, 2007: Former Radio Giant Don Imus Hired as Graveyard Jock at 5K WHUP-AM in Stumblefluck, Alabama
May 30, 2007: Imus Dropped From WHUP-AM Line Up; "Don Just Didn't Notch the Ratings We Expected," Says Station's Program Director
June 4, 2007: Former Imus Guest Bo Dietl Hospitalized for 'Continuous Cognitive Dissonance' and 'Gross Public Imbecility'; "Case is Incurable," Claims Doctor
July 6, 2007: Imus Starts College Lecture Tour at Bob Jones University
August 12, 2007: Don Imus Publishes Memoirs; "I Loves De Ho's" in Bookstores Friday
September 21, 2007: Imus Inks Endorsement Contract with Ho-Ho's
September 22, 2007: Imus Ho-Ho's Contract Dead After Interstate Bakeries Corp. President Reads Ex-Shock Jock's Memoirs; "I Thought He Was Writing About Snack Cakes," Explains Ho-Ho's Chief
November 7, 2007: TV's Celebrity Boxing Features Don Imus vs. Armstrong Williams Match
December 22, 2007: Controversial Media Figure Don Imus Retires from Show Business at Age 65
June 2, 2009: Where Are They Now? Imus Still Feisty in Retirement
October 12, 2012: Former Radio Star Don Imus Killed in Bar Fight with African-American Prostitute
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