The Tattlesnake -- Was Donald Trump Born in Jamaica, South Africa or Mexico?

Now there seems to be some question about Donald Trump’s birthplace. (That those questions were apparently invented out of thin air, possibly for humorous reasons, is of no consequence.) As we know from the example of the right-wring media, any question involving your place of birth must be answered by a slew of legal documents which they will then reject as forgeries and demand more, just as Trump, to goose up his pathetic TV show’s ratings with a presidential bid, is demanding that Obama release his ‘long form’ birth certificate since the short form, adequate for obtaining a US passport or entering the military, just isn’t enough for the blubbery mass of ham and ego some call “The Donald.”

Consider this: Not one person at the Jamaica, New York, hospital where Trump claims to have been born remembers his birth, as far as I care to find out. Aside from that, Trump’s alleged ‘real’ birth certificate doesn’t specify it is a hospital in Jamaica ‘New York’ -- it simply says “The Jamaica Hospital.” What is Trump trying to pull here, MON? Was he born in the islands and smuggled into dis country?
And where are the contemporaneous 1946 newspaper birth announcements for the baby Donald? Obama has provided two; Trump has provided zero. And look closely at the signatures of the hospital administrator and attending physician -- are we to believe Walt Disney was running Jamaica Hospital in 1946 and a ‘Dr. John E. Conqueroo M.D.’ delivered Donald Trump?

Below, Dr. Kevin Rooney, a birth certificate expert and well-respected forensic doctor simply because I want him to be one, makes a compelling argument that Trump was born in South Africa and didn’t enter the United States until he was 15. (Just ask yourself: do you know of anyone who saw Trump in this country as a child?)

Some malcontents may argue that Dr. Rooney’s South Africa theory is short on facts, but, IMO, what it lacks in factual content it more than makes up for in bold, risible audacity. Besides, how can you argue with a copy of Trump’s real South African birth certificate? Who could possibly have the expertise and desire to forge something like that?

Donald Trump's Real Birth Certificate Reveals He Is a Foreigner

“Trump was born in South Africa. His father was there on business (buying diamonds) and conceived Trump with a woman he met there. You can see her Dutch genes in Trump, the light reddish hair and very fair skin is Low Country Dutch. Donald Trump was raised in Cape Town according to strict Dutch customs which are very socialistic. (This is where he developed his great relationship with "the blacks.")

“When Trump was fifteen he was brought to New York by his father. Trump never talked about his South African background for fear of reprisals by Americans who hated apartheid.

“Two years ago, when Obama was elected, Trump decided to run for president. He spent three and a half million dollars over two years manufacturing an American birth certificate, bribed doctors and nurses to say they had been present at his birth, and even hiring for life a troupe of actors to play his childhood American friends, college classmates and professors, etc. He has a staff dedicated to manufacturing articles about his ‘life’ in America, etc. He is hoping to become President of the United States, beef up its military by cutting off all unemployment funds, and finally invade South Africa and reinstate apartheid so his elderly mother can go to the beach without a gun. …”

Another eminent historian has advanced the theory that Trump was actually born in Mexico. Read it all at “Was Donald Trump Born in Mexico?”

I think it is incumbent upon Trump to withdraw from the GOP presidential derby and public life until he can prove where he was born to my satisfaction.

2011 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org

The Tattlesnake – Political Short Cuts Part Deux Edition

More short sour snipes at some prominent political and media figures of our bloated Blutocracy, in no particular order.

WI Supreme Court Justice David Prosser – Proudly relying on a former underling and ardent GOP activist to discover more than enough 'accidentally uncounted' votes two days after losing the election to miraculously make him the victor, Prosser has shown himself to be in the same league of unembarrassed conservative judicial giants as Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas. No doubt if there is ever again a Republican president haunting the White House, Prosser will be at the top of his or her list of US Supreme Court nominees, eclipsed only by the fine legal minds of Scooter Libby, Louie Gohmert and Orly Taitz.

Ann Coulter – Anorexic in appearance; emaciated in thought; bulimic in speech. In other words, she never changes.

Mike Huckabee – His Christian devotion to integrity would be breathtaking to behold at some point in the future. As it is, we just have to take his assurance that he follows the teachings of Jesus on faith, as no independent evidence exists to confirm this assertion.

President Barack Obama – Apparently content to advance through constant retreat which, if you believe the world is round, would eventually result in him sneaking up on his enemies from behind. Conversely, his political opponents believe the world is flat, which is why they're falling off the edge like lemmings. In any race to the bottom, Obama's antagonists have the shorter drop.

GOP 'House Budget Czar' Rep. Paul Ryan – A man whose idea of balancing the budget involves giving away money to the rich and then hoping they will take pity on your impoverished state and provide you with a good job. It's part of the lethal charm of Republican reptiles to insist that this 'perpetual motion machine' of economic thought, which has failed repeatedly in the past, is sure to work this time around. Of course, Ryan himself will have a good job in the future, in or out of politics, inadvertently paid for by the destitute taxpayers without their knowledge.

NJ Gov. Chris Christie – In a large bowl, combine tasty tax cuts for the well-heeled with budget-cutting zeal strained through a sieve with tea infused with Bush Republican crapola. Mix with whatever Ann Coulter's drinking heavily and add a heaping cup of Il Duce's state corporatism. Put in the oven for four years at high heat and – voila! – you have an oven ruined by an unpalatable mess fit only for the trash that is no longer being picked up in New Jersey regularly since the governor privatized the service to break the union.

WI Gov. Scott Walker – His politics honor King Louis XVI, his speeches Newt Gingrich, his 'toughness' a box of rocks, while his eyes pay homage to Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman. One could easily see him in the White House, cleaning up after Bo, and it may be the only job he can get after angry Wisconsin voters recall him next year – it's definitely the only one he's qualified to do.

AZ Gov. Jan Brewer – What happens when a batch of mean goes sour.

Newt Gingrich – He has the fire in the belly, the snow on the roof, the fourth lady-in-waiting, millions in the bank, and the fringe-conservative hamster furiously navigating the CPAC exercise wheel to guarantee his shot at abject failure in the 2012 GOP presidential primaries. Since Newt has an incredibly large vocabulary of words to express his puny ideas and historical deviances, nothing will stop him from embarrassing himself by losing to Sarah Palin in the first few primaries.

Donald Trump – Teabaggers and other neoconservative halfwits would be well disposed to take advice from a failure who couldn’t turn a profit from an Atlantic City casino and can't get a gambling license in Nevada due to his history of bankruptcy. In fact, the only thing that 'The Donald' has ever made money from is his pathetic TV show wherein he hilariously fulfills the rubber-room delusions of his marketing staff by pretending to be a smart businessman. A more perfect presidential candidate reflecting the current state of the Republican Party does not exist. Trump is their man and, if somehow elected, would doubtless spend four years concentrating on his weekly reality show, "Who Wants to Work in the White House?" while the nation further crumbles.

The Koch Brothers – Nuts 'n' money, honey, and a rich Republican's joke is always funny, especially from a couple of billionaire sons of Birchers. They are incontrovertible verification of Dorothy Parker's line: "If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to," but even the late, great Algonquin Round Table wit never imagined the Almighty would stoop this low for a laugh.

Mitt Romney – Loose rumor claims that, during Romney family vacations, it was actually the Mittster who was tied to the roof of the car while the dog drove the station wagon, but let's not go down that road. It's also claimed the charismatic former governor of Massachusetts can charm a roomful of supporters into needing a nap within five minutes flat. His firm handshake is reminiscent of grabbing a dead cod, his personal history is redolent with mirthful myth and confounding flip-flops, and his political notions are agreeably GOP incoherent, plus he's rich and he wants to be president, making him the perfect choice to be the Republican sacrificial tiger in 2012.

Sen. John Thune – Mitt Romney without the zesty personality and sense of dignity.

© 2011 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake -- Wordy-Gurdy Name Quiz

Just for fun, grab a pencil and paper and try to find the three-word name combinations of prominent people in politics, history and the arts from each clue.

Example:

Clue: Hit the road, Congressman

Name: Ray Charles Rangel



1. Clue: Piano Man Sun-Tanned

2. Clue: Shrugged the Aqua Buddha Senator

3. Clue: Blond-Haired De-Angler

4. Clue: Offbeat Comedian Astroturfer

5. Clue: Code Pink Prime Israeli

6. Clue: Disaster Progressive News Anchor

7. Clue: Chess Records' Okie Senator At Last

8. Clue: Enthusiasm Curbed Tea Party Billionaire

9. Clue: Oscar General Badger Governor

10. Clue: Traitor for Gold and Golden Bear Musclehead


Answers below in Comments section.


© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake – Defending Charlie Sheen Edition

Is it crazy to stand up to corporations and media parasites that are trying to tell you how to live your life?

Charlie Sheen's gotten a bum rap from the media lately because he refused to play the corporate and tabloid-TV game: the Shamed Celebrity is supposed to enter rehab and emerge contrite and chastened and just so gleefully grateful his corporate employer stuck by him during his time of need. Instead, Sheen called CBS and his producers on their 'we care' bullshit, and told the media hypocrites that parasitically cover celebrities to stuff it where the moon don't shine. Here's a news flash you won't see on the MSM: When celebs enter rehab, it's mainly for PR, career, or project-insurance purposes and there is no shortage of drugs and alcohol at any of the well-known rehab ranches that cater to the famous. What are they going to do, kick them out and lose all of that money? No, they turn a blind eye and cooperate in the fraud that the celebrity is 'cured,' and everybody goes home happy. Charlie Sheen just refused to indulge in this fetid game and, for that, he should be applauded.

Is he crazy? Maybe, but no more than most of us, and he's not advising that we hurt or hate anyone. If you read his quotes below, he often makes considerable sense and he frequently lampoons himself, which the TMZ-style media are apparently too obtuse to recognize. He's certainly more honest and lucid than the demented wolfpack of politicians and pundits that appear on Meet the Press every Sunday and are treated as sane and reasonable.

If a Hunter S. Thompson had given Charlie's recent interviews, some of the same people pointing the 'nutjob drug addict' finger at Charlie Sheen and 'tsk, tsk' self-righteously shaking their heads over his sure demise, would be laughing with or praising him. But because he's known as a film/TV actor, and many of them don't want to offend Viacom/CBS for professional reasons, they toe the corporate line that Sheen is spinning out of control and needs help. Haven't we learned by now that large corporations do not have compassionate souls that take pity on their employees, and neither do the heads of Hollywood production companies? It's all about the money.

Aside from that, when did Charlie Sheen's personal life become the concern of anyone but himself and those around him? How would you like your personal problems exaggerated and splashed all over the TV beast and the Internet?

As you read the poem below, pretend they are the words of a beat poet rather than a movie star. It might give you a whole different perspective; "Droopy-eyed armless children" by itself is a line worthy of a Jack Kerouac novel or Allen Ginsberg epic.

"Winning"

The words of Charlie Sheen edited into poetry

I so desperately wanted to be
Mr. Somebody.
Instead, I was the little brother…
As kids we're not taught how to deal
with success; we're taught how to
deal with failure.
If at first you don't succeed,
try, try again.
If at first you succeed,
then what?
C’mon, bro, I won best picture at 20!
I wasn’t even trying.
I wasn’t even warm.

Fame is empowering.
My mistake was that I thought
I would instinctively know
how to handle it.
But there's no manual,
no training course.
The run I was on made Sinatra,
Flynn, Jagger, Richards,
all of them look like
droopy-eyed armless children!
Sure, I did a lot of things in excess.
But if you look at the core,
the foundation of what I pursued,
what red-blooded young American
male in my position wouldn't?
But you can't focus on things
that matter if all you've been
is asleep for forty years.
Funny how sleep
rhymes with sheep.

I'm tired of ignoring that I
march to a different beat.
I will not believe that
if I do something then
I have to follow a certain
path because it was
written for normal people.
People who aren’t special.
People who don’t have
tiger blood and Adonis DNA!
I’m tired of pretending I’m not
a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars!
Here's the good news:
If I realize that I'm insane,
then I'm okay with it.
I'm not dangerous insane.
I am on a drug.
It's called Charlie Sheen.
It's not available because
if you try it, you will die.
Your face will melt off and
your children will weep over
your exploded body.
What you come to discover is,
it isn't how you get there,
it's that you get there.
If that's what it took to get me
where I'm at today,
so be it.

People go,
'What's going on with this guy?
Why does he sound so weird?
What is going on in his brain?'
I don't know. Just one day I
suddenly woke up with a new brain.
I love it! It's original!
You don't have the right to judge me.
Look what I’m dealing with, man,
I’m dealing with fools and trolls!

'Can't' is the cancer of happening.
That's life. There's nobility in that.
There's focus. It's genuine.
It's crystal and it's pure and
it's available to everybody,
so just shut your traps and
put down your McDonald's,
your vaccines, your US Weekly,
your TMZ and the rest of it.
There have to be more important
things going on in the world than
my past.

Uncertainty is a sign of humility,
and humility is just the ability or
the willingness to learn.
I’m sorry, man, I got magic and
I’ve got poetry in my fingertips,
you know, most of the time,
and this includes naps.
You either love or you hate.
You live in the middle,
you get nothing.
Boom, crush!
Night, losers.
Winning, duh!
Bring me Dr. Clown shoes!

[End]

© 2011 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake – Top Ten Neocon Republican Hits Edition

These top ten lists get tedious, and this one's no different.

1. "This Land Ain't Your Land, This Land Is MY Land"
Scotty and the Koch Brothers

2. "America The Profitable"
Moe Greenback and the Wall Streeters

3. "Take Your Job And Shove It"
The U.S. Chamber of Commerce

4. "Dead Man's Curve"
Chris Christie and the Budget Cutters

5. "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling"
The Palin Family Choir

6. "Viva Low Wages!"
Wal Mart and the New Peasants

7. "It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To"
Long John Boehner and the Wailers

8. "Liar, Liar (Pants On Fire)"
Mike Huckabee and the Birthers

9. "He Got The Gold Mine And I Got the Shaft"
Glenn Beck's Suckers

10. "(Here It Comes Your) 19th Nervous Breakdown"
Michele Bachmann and her Teabaggers

©2011 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake – Jon Stewart Interviews Hermann Goering Edition

STEWART: My guest tonight served as Adolf Hitler's air force chief and one of his closest advisors -- let's welcome to the program former German Reichsmarshall Hermann Goering! (They shake hands and sit down while the audience applauds.) Let me just say, sir, thanks for being here, and you look pretty damn good for a man over one hundred years old who supposedly died in 1946! What is that – Oil of Olay or Botox or something?!

GOERING: Ha, ha! Goodness gracious, no! I never died, I just moved to Argentina! I also lied about my age to get in the military and have taken good care of myself in my old age! And it's amazing what modern medicine can do! Ha, ha!

STEWART: Goodness gracious?!? What – is this a 4-H Club convention?!

GOERING: Ha, ha! Millions of good solid Americans from the heartland of the country talk like that, Jon!

STEWART: Oh, yeah, and out on the coasts all we do is yell 'm**her-f**ker' and 'go for the gay'!

GOERING: (Grinning) You said it, I didn't!

STEWART: In your book, you say the Nazis were misunderstood. You say they had doubts about everything they did. You were one of the Nazis close to Hitler – it sure didn't seem you guys had any doubts when you started World War II!

GOERING: Wait, let me address this Nazi thing – in Germany back then, everybody was a Nazi – you had to be one to do business, it was just a fact of life. Besides, the Nazis were just the name of a political party, like the Republicans today. I mean, we had good Nazis and bad Nazis. It's wrong to condemn all Nazis for the extreme fanaticism of a few. You know, we really weren't all fascists!

STEWART: But you were one of the head Nazis, convicted of war crimes like condoning torture!

GOERING: Tut, tut. I had documents in my desk at the time that show how much doubt I had about the decisions we were making and listed all of the things that could go wrong. We were just trying to protect the nation and acted on bad intelligence! Everything we did, we did for our country! Our top military staff believed that intelligence, incidentally.

STEWART: So you invaded Poland based on lousy intelligence reports?

GOERING: There was all kinds of paper flying around back then, pro and con. But we couldn't take a chance with the nation's security that Poland or another potential enemy like France might attack us, so we invaded first. The respected Gen. Jodl made the case to the public at the time.

STEWART: But you established a special office to provide you with the intelligence you wanted!

GOERING: I had no special intelligence office – somebody else set that up. There were three million men in the German military back then – any one of them could have done it.

STEWART: What about the torture? Are you saying you didn't order torture?

GOERING: Not torture like you saw at your Abu Ghraib prison. That kind of thing was done by bad apples – you know, low-level noncoms acting without orders. We ordered enhanced-interrogation techniques that our best legal minds said were acceptable in order to defend the country from terrorists. This was after the Reichstag fire remember, where Communists and other undesirables conspired to undermine the government and attack the public violently. We couldn't afford to let any technique for getting information out of the bad guys go unused.

STEWART: What about the concentration camps? Are you going to deny the Nazi concentration camps that killed millions of innocent people?

GOERING: Look, we had socialists, Communists, unionists, liberals, gays and other malcontents all bent on destroying our way of life. This was during the worldwide economic depression and we were trying to get people back to work, and those groups were fighting us on balancing the budget and creating more jobs. We only put people in camps who refused to work and would rather laze around collecting welfare from the taxpayers, like freeloading teachers and bottom-feeder nurses! Those were just work camps for unionists and commies who wanted to suck off the taxpayer and collect a paycheck for doing nothing!

STEWART: Ha, ha! 'Suck off the taxpayer,' huh? Now I know why you liked those camps! (Laughter.)

GOERING: Ha, ha! I didn't mean it quite like that!

STEWART: But, seriously, what about the Jews -- why did you target them for annihilation?

GOERING: We never targeted the Jews, Jon. That's all revisionist history written by the liberals. We were just trying to protect the Jews from angry Germans who were blaming them for all the nation's problems by putting them in camps, but things got out of hand when some rogue elements took it upon themselves to start executing people. I mean, you go to war with the army you have, and we had some kooks in the Wehrmacht at the time. Certainly if I had been aware of what was going on in those camps I would have put a stop to it, and so would have Hitler, but we were busy defending our country against several powerful aggressors, fighting in a two-front war.

STEWART: What about Adolf Hitler? He's now acknowledged by the world as one of the biggest monsters in history, yet you loyally served him. Are you telling me you don't think he was a monster?

GOERING: Oh, fiddle-dee-dee! The man was a vegetarian who loved animals and didn't drink, and he only had one testicle – does that sound like a monster to you? (Laughter.)

STEWART: Did you guys, like, call him 'One Ball' behind his back? (Laughter.)

GOERING: Ha, ha! No, he would have had us shot! Ha, ha – just kidding! (Laughter and applause.)

STEWART: Well, our time is up. Okay, folks, the book is 'Soaring with Eagles' by former Luftwaffe chief Hermann Goering. Thank you for coming in, sir! (They stand and shake hands.)

GOERING: Thank you, Jon, for helping me sell my book and rehabilitate my image by portraying me as a feisty old grandpa instead of a vicious war criminal responsible for the death, dismemberment and torture of millions!

(Applause. Cut to commercial for Burger King's new Super Lethal DOA Beef 'n' Bacon Triple-Stack Axis of Evil Whopper with Cheese.)

Watch Jon Stewart's Feb. 23, 2011, interview with Don Rumsfeld here.

© 2011 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake – Post-It Notes From the Underground Part One Edition

Watch out, he's petting his peeves again!

Messages scribbled on Post-It Notes that were giving me a brain-ache until I wrote them down.

Note to Abraham Lincoln, wherever he is now:

It's just as well you're not around today. The idea that Haley "Yazoo City" Barbour and Rick "Secesh" Perry are Republicans would no doubt give you severe apoplexy followed by a fatal stroke anyway.

Note to George Washington, wherever he is now:

Good thing you're not around, either, to see this 21st century bobblehead-doll America where a good portion of the politicians and electorate, abetted by the dumbed-down corporate media, have forgotten how to read, especially where the Constitution and the Bible are concerned.

Note to Arianna Huffington:

A quote from Balzac seems appropriate: "Behind every great fortune there is a great crime." Take a couple of million from the $315 mil you got from AOL and throw a few bucks at all the people who worked for free to make your website worth selling. BTW, I can't find even one person who thinks your AOL merger is a good idea or cares to read your website again. Prediction: the AOL-Huff Post is toast.

Note to Clarence Thomas:

What would you think is a conflict of interest for a judge -- a defendant handing you an envelope stuffed with cash right before you voted on his case? (Or has that already happened?) Don't ask Scalia what your opinion should be on this one -- he doesn't know what a conflict of interest is, either.

Note to Rupert Murdoch:

I guess we should thank you for hiring the mentally-challenged to work in your media empire. I mean, where else would certifiable meatheads like Steve Doocy and Glenn Beck find jobs?

Note to Allstate Insurance:

Stop abusing the English language by claiming you 'protect' your customers from mayhem. All of the things depicted in your TV ads would still happen, even with Allstate insurance. The only thing you can do is promptly pay to repair the damage after the 'mayhem,' but you can't 'protect' against it occurring in the first place.

Note to Glenn Beck's Goldline Coins:

If gold is such a great investment, far superior to paper money, why are you selling your gold in exchange for cash money that will, according to your pitchmen, inevitably go down in value? Why not just keep the gold?

Note to the Republican Party:

Okay, the more realistic among you know very well you are a minority party beholden to talk show hosts and a fringe nutcase base, and you can't win national elections with that 20-25 percent of the American electorate. If this were a parliamentary system, you'd be three separate parties: the Corporate Libertarians; the Christian Theocrats, and the Dixie Racists, none of whom would be able to dominate the nation's politics. You also have no credible candidates that could beat Obama. If I were a Republican (and thank Jebas I'm not), I'd be shaking in my tasseled loafers.

Note to the Teabaggers:

Although I have great fun lampooning you, I was gratified that some of you in Congress voted against your party and tried to kill that unconstitutional PATRIOT Act. Good for you!

Note to Tea Party Volunteers:

Sophisticated grifters at the national level are scamming you local tea party volunteers. According to this report, the Washington-based national leaders of Tea Party Patriots, for example, are paying themselves fat salaries and none of the money they collect is going back to the local groups. Isn't this the kind of corruption you said you were against?

Note to Herman Cain (founder of Godfather Pizza and CPAC speaker):

Your political views are as unappetizing as your tasteless cardboard-crust pizza. Stop being a selfish cyclops only thinking about your tax cuts now that you've made some money and consider the impact of your lowered taxes on the poor bastards who buy your lousy food.

© 2011 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake – New Definitions from the Askewed Dictionary Edition

Glimpses Behind the Curtain of Our Blutocracy

"Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell, no!"
-- Sen. John "Bluto" Blutarsky, from the film "Animal House" (1978).

BACHMANNALIA: 1. The sound wild-eyed gibberish makes in a rubber room. 2. An election-year holiday celebrating the unity of corporate money and gullible voters with sensibilities as squishy as wet teabags. 3. A sexless outdoor orgy in Minnesota in mid-winter, the quintessential Republican idea of how the public should be treated.

BACHMANNLINESS: 1. Putting on your 'man pants' backwards, while staring at the wrong camera. 2. Having the balls to misquote the Constitution on national television.

BLUTOCRACY: 1. A plutocracy as operated by Sen. John Blutarsky, the fictional 'Bluto' character from the film "Animal House," and those who are likeminded. 2. The USA today, and not the newspaper. 3. Wall Street week.

BOEHNALITY: 1. Crocodile tears shed by one who is only half-crocked. 2. Pretending you're in control of something you plainly are not, such as a bus when the steering wheel has come off in your hand. 3. The illusion that you stand for anything beyond your own personal gain and your next putt.

CALIPHATE: 1. In a ten-gallon hat, combine eleven-gallons horse manure with equal parts leftover Cold War fear and carbonated Holy Water; add a hefty scoop of Islamophobia, smother with nuts, and top with a lemon slice carved into the shape of a swastika and a cherry carved into the shape of a star. Strain through Fox News and serve at the temperature at which blood boils.

CONAGRA: 1. What polite Southern Republicans call the only conservative black guy in the county after he's left the room.

CRAPITALISM: 1. An unregulated form of capitalism practiced by well-dressed carnival pitchmen that turns everything it touches to pure shit, commonly ruining the lives of a few million civilians in the process. 2. The hypotheses adhered to by many of the financial elite that the light at the end of Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Public's tunnel must always be a privately-owned oncoming train in order for them to prosper. 3. The theory that enough taxpayer money, filtered through a nation's banks and large corporations, can persuade the political class and the media to do anything, and that much of that money must then be used to prolong the ignorance of the taxpayers from realizing they are financing the scheme.

FOX FIRE: 1. An event that never occurs at Fox News, no matter how inaccurate or disturbed the opinion expressed, unless the speaker happens to slip and tell the truth.

THE GOLDBERG VARIATIONS: 1. The assortment of adjectives, verbs and adverbs Jonah Goldberg uses to, without irony, accuse liberals of fascism and blame them for all of the misery visited on the public in the past 30 years by those who think like Jonah Goldberg.

KOCHAINE: 1. Money secretly doled out by the wealthy to influence public opinion in their favor, opinions which are usually contrary to the public interest or even common sense. 2. The primary addiction of Washington lobbyists and prominent politicians of both parties, causing them to lie, cheat and commit desperate degenerate acts to continue their dependence, that is strangely not included on the DEA's list of dangerous drugs deserving long prison terms, but certainly should be.

LUNTZTITUTION: 1. The creation of government policy or public outrage based on buzzwords or catch phrases invented by Frank Luntz that have little or no relationship to the reality of the subject; e.g., describing an orange as a 'bad apple,' or a grapefruit as a 'cancerous lemon,' or smog as 'clean air.' 2. Any doomed political party or corporation that believes such linguistic concoctions are anything more than a thin disguise for its true purpose of picking the public's pocket or skinning the yokels to the bone.

POLYPSYCHOTIC: 1. Capable of jabbering delirium in more than one medium. 2. The conservative media endlessly parroting the same right-wing talking points.

PROLESSIVISM: 1. "Two For Me and None For You." A game played by the US Chamber of Congress – excuse me, 'Commerce' – their financial backers and various politicians, such as New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. The point of the game is to convince voters that balancing budgets and lowering taxes for the over-privileged is more important than their jobs, pensions, homes, or eating regular meals. It is akin to the "Sure I'm Jobless and Broke, But at Least I Don't Have Worry About Bank Overdraft Fees Anymore" game indulged in by millions of less fortunate Americans every day, except much more profitable for the major players.

SOLIPSIMPSONISM: 1. The belief that the best way to clean the ears is by passing a handkerchief through the head while wearing a blindfold and a shoe in one's mouth. 2. The conviction that unworkable remedies that cause public suffering will resolve budget ills if inartfully expressed at length. From Solipsimpson: A useless old boob with 300 million nipples.

"My advice to you is to start drinking heavily."
-- Sen. John "Bluto" Blutarsky, from the film "Animal House" (1978).

© 2011 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake – "Finally We Are Free!" Edition

Title quote via MSNBC from a pro-democracy demonstrator celebrating in Cairo's Tahrir (Liberation) Square following the resignation of Egyptian dictator Hosni Mubarak, Feb. 11, 2011.

The US media reported yesterday that Hosni Mubarak had finally resigned, the message conveyed to the world by his Vice President and Torturer-in-Chief, Omar Suleiman. Of course, the pro-democracy demonstrators wildly celebrated Mubarak's resignation – think of it: in 18 days they had toppled a tyrant without resorting to violence, even in the face of provocation from Mubarak's street thugs and vicious secret police -- but I also thought it was interesting that Hosni is now ensconced in his estate on the Red Sea, surrounded by razor wire and heavily guarded. Some may interpret this arrangement as protecting Mubarak's corrupt hide, but it could also be seen as a prison from which he could be quickly transferred to a jet bound out of the country, forced into exile by the praetorian guard now 'protecting' him from his own people. Then again, perhaps they are merely holding the deposed dictator for trial – the people have demanded Hosni be held responsible for his brutal reign, and they want to know where all the money went. In the wake of the news that Swiss banks have frozen Mubarak's bank accounts purportedly containing billions in purloined US dollars, they just might find out.

While we celebrate with the Egyptian people emerging from 30 years of darkness under Mubarak, it must be said that, now that Mubarak's gone, only a part of Egypt's journey to a free democracy is complete; next, the pro-democracy forces will have the hard work of purging the government of Mubarak's corrupt cronies, if they won't leave willingly, and pressuring the military, which has dissolved parliament and taken control, to allow a democratically-elected civilian government to flourish. On the latter score, it's heartening to note that while the top officers are Mubarak appointees, the rank-and-file in the military are conscripts closer to the demonstrators than the generals, and the scenes of peaceful protestors happily riding on the tanks US foreign aid purchased should have brought that point home to the brass hats. Without the lower ranks solidly behind them, there can be no military coup d'etat.

Meanwhile, public crackpot Glenn Beck has been regurgitating bizarre conspiracy theories alleging that the overthrow of the vile Mubarak is part of some kind of dingbat Marxist-Muslim 'New World Order' plot with US progressives to bring about an Islamic Caliphate that will rule the Middle East and Europe. Fox News' squirrel-bait embarrassment apparently believes freedom and democracy are fine for white Americans, but should be off-limits to darker-skinned Egyptians. (Perhaps this is why his TV audience has dropped by half in the past year – most of us, whatever our political leanings, think democracy, individual rights and liberty are good things for the world.) However, Beck is almost right – there does seem to be a New World Order brewing, but not the evil Commie Caliphate he imagines. Instead, all across Africa and the Middle East, from Tunisia to Iran, the citizenry is yearning for secular government of, by and for the people, dedicated to equality and justice, with the same rights and freedoms Americans are supposed to enjoy. Of course, to corporate scambots like Rupert Murdoch's rodeo clown, the idea of self-rule and freedom from foreign exploitation is anathema, and the events in Tunisia and Egypt should be sending a chill up spines in the other corporate suites of the world; these non-violent revolutions were also about economic justice as well as getting rid of tyranny, an economic justice the corporate autocrats despise and fear. Whatever meaningless label the Becksters want to hang on it, it is not religious in nature and neither is it some silly strain of Islamic Communism – it is the same thing Americans fought for over two centuries ago: freedom from distant powers and homegrown despots taking your money and deciding your fate without your consent.

© 2011 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake – Political Short Cuts Edition

Brief sour snipes at some prominent political and media figures of our bloated Blutocracy, in no particular order.

Michele Bachmann – When scary met rally.

Arianna Huffington – A mythological Greek goddess who prospers greatly on the free labor of others.

Tim Pawlenty – A polite little Minnesota fart desperately trying to become a big Republican shit.

Sarah Palin – America's trademarked Tweetheart, soon to be our 'Dear Tweeter' right after the Republicans in Congress succeed in outlawing rational thought entirely.

Jon Stewart – If Jon noticed two brown-shirted men wearing swastika armbands beating up another man laying on the ground, he would immediately condemn onlookers who pointed out any similarities to the Nazis, and go on to make the case that the actions of the attackers and the man trying to defend himself are equally deplorable. Then he'd giggle and cut to a commercial for Verizon Wireless.

The Tea Partiers – Their hearts are in the Right place -- next to a pile of cash in a bank vault owned by the Koch brothers.

Comcast/MSNBC – 'Lean Forward' so it'll be easier to kick your ass out the door if you displease the parent company.

Bill O'Reilly – Joe McCarthy after the first bottle, combined with all the charm of a proctologist with a fire hose.

Glenn Beck – Joe McCarthy after the second bottle, combined with Howard Stern following a full lobotomy.

Rush Limbaugh -- An ounce of syphilitic brain tissue trampled in the stands of the football stadium at Ole Miss, circa 1964.

Megyn Kelly – 1. Find valve in back of skull. 2. Insert hose and inflate with helium until head is filled. 3. Check hair and makeup. 4. Insert 'GOP Talking Points' memory card. 5. Turn crank in back until words come out.

Michael Savage – When being a self-hating Weiner just isn't enough.

Mitt Romney – Elmer Corpo-Fudd goes hunting for small vermin, only to keep finding himself.

Jeb Bush – A Republican presidential prospect who wishes he had been born with a different last name, maybe something like 'Nixon.'

Mitch McConnell – Where wealthy wrinkles go to retire and old lies to revive themselves.

Roger Ailes – When he dines on his daily cherub, he wipes his mouth on the closest thing available, which happens to be the seat of his pants.

Antonin Scalia – Judge Dreadful.

Clarence Thomas – "Just because I have a big bet on the team doesn't mean I would necessarily rule in its favor."

© 2011 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake – Clueless Wall Street Indulges in the Self-Delusion of the Wealthy Edition

… and it's nothing new.

As 2011 settles in, some things haven't changed, such as the investment bank aristocracy of Wall Street, already wallowing in obscenely large salaries, apparently believing they deserve bonuses for continuing to peddle worthless paper and hoodwinking their own customers. This addled belief, however, is nothing new.

Having misspent a part of my youth as an advertising director for a publishing company, I once had an opportunity to encounter some wealthy people at business lunches and dinners, and noticed a few habits of hypocritical thinking they had in common:

-- To a man -- and they were all men -- they believed, even the silver-spoon-born trust fund scions and coddled bosses sons, that they were 'self-made' and everything they had was attained by their own hard work, even if their wealth was derived mostly from dividend income, the result of a long-dead relative picking the right investments or starting a successful business.

-- Speaking of hard work, when these VIPs came in at 10:am to check the mail and sign a few letters, left for a two-hour lunch at 12:30, and then went golfing for the rest of the afternoon, leaving their overworked and underpaid secretaries to run the place, they would still insist that they had 'worked hard' that day.

-- Whatever their educational institution, Yale or Harvard or a state university, they all thought they graduated because they 'studied hard' and 'put their noses to the grindstone' even though some would laughingly brag, after a few too many martinis, about how they had hired poor 'scholarship brainiacs' or 'eggheads' to teach them how to cheat on their tests.

-- While every one of them abhorred any publicly-funded program that enabled poor kids to get a higher education, and especially affirmative action, they were blind to their own advantages, beyond just being born white. If Uncle Joe picked up the phone to make sure they got into the 'right' college, or Daddy was once a student and fast-tracked their 'legacy' acceptance into a university, that was fine -- just the way the world worked. Of course, left unsaid was how they would have been able to make their way through college if such financially-strapped 'scholarship brainiacs' were not there to help them cheat, just one of many mental cul-de-sacs that these sons of privilege passed by quickly, lest they get hung on their own conundrum.

-- Although all of them supported the war in Vietnam, none of them came close to serving in it. They either received school draft deferments like Dick Cheney; or, like Rush Limbaugh, had a note from the family doctor describing some dread condition that made them militarily unfit, but somehow didn't interfere with their golf game; or had a family-friend Congressman intervene to keep them out; or, like Junior Bush, had Daddy pull a few strings to get them easy 'Weekend Warrior' duty in the National Guard. Privately, they had little regard or compassion for the troops in the field; in fact, they believed them stupid and that the grunts should show gratitude for the opportunity that military service provided to raise their lowly selves out of the ghetto or trailer park. Should they die or be maimed for life during this process of elevation – well, that's just the price they pay for not having the foresight to be born in better circumstances.

-- They all hated paying taxes, the hatred much more intense than that of those lower on the income ladder. Like Leona Helmsley, they thought taxes were fine -- for the 'little people.' A couple of them were said to spend more money on lawyers and accountants to avoid paying taxes than the amount they owed in taxes. But they didn't mind one bit freeloading off poorer folks by using roads, highways, airports, parks, and other public facilities paid for by the taxes of the non-rich; and they took it for granted their class would receive preferential treatment from cops and firefighters they didn't want to pay taxes to support. I won't even get into the courts, prosecutors, and military all arrayed to protect their precious property that they also didn't want to pay for -- suffice it to say that they didn't believe in any taxes for themselves, even for those things that benefited them greatly. It would be a mistake to take this as any sort of reasonable consideration on the subject of taxes; it is not – it's a nearly-hysterical emotional reaction born of mindless greed.

That's all I can recall at the moment, but the one thread running through all of it is the massive degree of self-delusion practiced by those with wealth. It's scary enough when they know they're lying to make a buck; it's pathologically dangerous when they buy into their own fantasies about themselves as have, it seems, the current crop of Wall Street scoundrels. In this particular case, it won't end until Richie Rich, ensconced in an office at Goldman Sachs, dreaming up the next fraudulent financial instrument for his firm to foist on the gullible public, hits bottom – an inevitability since they refuse to learn from their mistakes -- and seeks another 'loan' from the contemptible 'little people' taxpayers via the federal Big Daddy and, to mix metaphors, the cupboard is bare.

Then these Masters of the Universe will learn the tough lesson the cosseted Junior Bush as president had to endure: there are times when even Big Daddy can't save you from the hard consequences of acting like a spoiled brat.

© 2011 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake – East Coast Blizzard Buries Snow-Job Political Futures Edition

Your Tattler remembers well the Chicago blizzard of 1979 that buried the city under several feet of the stuff, along with the political future of Chicago Mayor Michael Bilandic. Days after the snow stopped, the side streets were still not plowed, main arteries were narrow two-lane ruts in the snow, and parking was a matter of driving into a snow bank and digging your car out the next day. If that was not aggravating enough, Bilandic had the chutzpah to go on TV and assure Chicagoans all was well and that things had been plowed – including designated public parking areas – that were not. The anger of city-dwellers reached the boiling point over those jaw-dropping pronouncements and, in one of those incredible political miracles, Daley Machine inheritor Bilandic lost his sure-thing nomination to Jane Byrne in the Democratic primary, and Byrne went on to become Chicago's first woman mayor.

New York City's independent 'No Labels' Mayor Michael Bloomberg apparently forgot the lesson of Bilandic, if he ever learned it. Yes, voters often have short memories, but not when it comes to the tangible physical and mental stress engendered by a massive snowstorm. Seeing your expensively-attired billionaire mayor, appearing dry and comfortable on TV, braying that everything is fine, all that can be done is being done, and to stop complaining, is not the message snow-besieged proles want to hear. I think this stunt finishes Bloomberg's future in politics, just as NYC Mayor John V. Lindsay's presidential ambitions were plowed under by his failure to adequately respond to a Big Apple blizzard 41 years ago.

Next door, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, the GOP's emerging Golden Boy already declining in popularity back home from his managerial incompetence – he lost $400 million in federal aid for state public education due to bumbled paperwork, for one – and obsessive Republican addiction to cutting any program, including state pensions, that benefits the 'little guy' while protecting his wealthy benefactors from economic pain, will likewise see his political future melting like a Newark snowball in June, as the clueless Guv has remained on vacation in warm and sunny Disney World in the aftermath of the crippling storm. Christie has, as yet, made no public announcement or curtailed his vacation in order to deal with his state's weather crisis – perhaps an acknowledgement that his blustery Tony Soprano style of governing may intimidate some, but not Mother Nature.

Massive blizzards demonstrate the need for full-capacity city and state services during a time of crisis, the very things manic cost-cutters like Bloomberg and Christie have put on the chopping block; and the need for leadership that understands what's happening on the ground, even when that ground is covered with snow; something these conservative budget-balancers forget, to their political peril.

President Bloomberg? President Christie? Fuhgedabouit!

© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake – I Read the News Today, Oh, Boy! Edition

A Christmas retread from the past.

For once, the old curmudgeon will climb down off his sarcastic perch and scribble about a story I read in a local newspaper years ago.

I don't remember the family's name right now, but I recall the gist: A middle-class father and his two pre-teen boys were driving around Lower Wacker Drive in Chicago, handing out free sandwiches and coffee to the men and women living in cardboard boxes down there.

They got up early several days a week and made the sandwiches and brewed a large urn of coffee; the man paying for all the ingredients himself.

They did this on a regular basis year-round, and they were not part of any religious or charitable organization; the father had just seen these people living in terrible conditions and wanted to do whatever he could think of to help. This is what he thought of. He also wanted to teach his sons to appreciate how lucky they were and a lesson in person-to-person generosity. (I hope they learned it.)

I once knew a lawyer who, after getting all the required degrees, decided to spend his time providing free legal work to those who could not afford it. He made his living doing part-time jobs other than law. (I almost wrote 'outside the law,' but that wasn't the case, excuse the pun.) He was not rich by measurable material standards, but he was wealthy in the immeasurable, and more important, ones, and, unlike some of his colleagues in the legal field, he could stand to look at himself in the mirror without wincing and he didn't need any bodyguards.

A Chicago cop who got sick of looking at all the miserable homeless people on her beat retired from the force and opened a restaurant for hungry people, a place that treated those who were down on their luck with some dignity and humanity.

She reasoned that the best way to get people to act better was to treat them better, so the meals at her free restaurant were served at the table by volunteer waiters, and in every respect the place operated like a neighborhood coffee shop, except the diners didn't have to pay a bill.

Does it work? I don't know, but it sure beats treating people like cattle to just to get a bite to eat.

Countless musicians and entertainers I've known have offered their time and talents gratis for benefits for numerous causes; these were not the glitzy eventsyou see on TV; these were the unheralded kind that happened in small bars, union halls, and the like, unknown to but a small fraction of the human race.They didn't stay in expensive hotel suites or get their expenses paid; they did it out of the kindness of their hearts.

I've also personally known many of our fellow human beings who courageously kept their wits about them and persevered in the face of extreme personaltragedy and the most depressing of circumstances to ease the suffering of another, even when the situation was hopeless. They won't get any medals for their efforts; they wouldn't want any.

This is the idea of America that our forebears knew; they believed in the concept of 'commonwealth', meaning you take care of those who can't take care of themselves, (some of our states, like Massachusetts and Kentucky, are still called 'commonwealths'). These are the Americans some from other countries occasionally get a chance to know and like; they are not grasping politicians, greedy power-brokers, self-absorbed celebrities, sociopathic corporatists, or some of the other despicable rabble that dominate the news. Their goodly efforts are rarely covered by the media.

For whatever their minor flaws, there are legions of Americans that indulge in altruism regularly; and what this country, regardless of the vainglorious patriotic hoopla generated by the cynics and manipulators in the skyboxes, is really all about. There are millions and millions of them out there committing acts of selflessness and compassion on a daily basis and they can't be stopped; they are of every religion and none; they are as persistent as gum stuck to a shoe; they are an America the rest of the world barely knows, but they are the best thiscountry has to offer because they understand and practice this timeless creed: When you make the world a better place for others, you make the world a better place for yourself.

As Bernard Baruch said, "We didn't all come over on the same ship, but we're all in the same boat."

These are the people who keep that boat from sinking.

Copyright 2002 R.S. Janes

The Tattlesnake – Things That You're Liable to Read in the Bible, Part Huh? Edition

"And thou shalt eat it [as] barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight."
-- Ezekiel 4:12

Drop another log on the fire, so to speak.

"If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel."
-- Deuteronomy 22:22

And yet those pious C Street gentlemen John Ensign and Mark Sanford still walk among us. (I forgot; Old Testament rules only apply to gays.)

"These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: a proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, a false witness that speaks lies, and he that sows discord among brethren."
-- Proverbs 6:16-19

Has anyone told Fox News?

"Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?"
-- Matthew 6:25

Has anyone told Sarah Palin?

"But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil."
-- Matthew 5:36-37

Has anyone told Bush – or his ghostwriter?

"If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property."
-- Exodus 21:20-21

Walmart has this sign hanging over the desks of their factory managers in China.

"And whatsoever man there be of the house of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn among you, that eateth any manner of blood; I will even set my face against that soul that eateth blood, and will cut him off from among his people."
-- Leviticus 17:10

So much for that trip to the dentist.

"Moses assembled the whole Israelite community and said to them, "These are the things the LORD has commanded you to do: For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a Sabbath of rest to the LORD. Whoever does any work on it must be put to death."
-- Exodus 35:1-2

But it's the busiest shopping days of the year!

"Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things."
-- Genesis 9:3

Grandpa, get in here – it time to start supper! And 'green herb'? Paging Willie Nelson!

"This shall be the law of the leper in the day of his cleansing: He shall be brought unto the priest: And the priest shall go forth out of the camp; and the priest shall look, and, behold, if the plague of leprosy be healed in the leper; Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean , and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop: And the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water: As for the living bird, he shall take it , and the cedar wood, and the scarlet, and the hyssop, and shall dip them and the living bird in the blood of the bird that was killed over the running water: And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean, and shall let the living bird loose into the open field."
-- Leviticus 14:3-7

You don't even want to know about the cure for hemorrhoids.

"And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread. And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD, and against thee; pray unto the LORD, that he take away the serpents from us. And Moses prayed for the people. And the LORD said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live. And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived."
-- Numbers 21:5-10

That's right, don't worship any graven image except this here brass snake on a pole! More cosmic comedy courtesy of the Bible.

Biblical quotes from Bad Bible Advice and the Crazy Bible page.

© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake – Thank God They're a Small Minority Edition

"It's plain hokum. If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em. It's an old political trick."
-- Harry S Truman

Your Tattlesnake has had running arguments with various Teabaggers and Tea Party sympathizers for many months now and they all share the same tactic: Should you ask a question they can't answer or make a point they can't refute, they start screaming at you or rudely talking over you, as if the volume of their voice can eradicate reality and reason. This leads not to debate, but confrontation, and that seems to be what they want.

Beyond that, exactly how do you 'debate' people who insist:

-- There are no racists in the Tea Party movement;

-- It's Obama and not George W. Bush who started the TARP bailouts of the banks and Wall Street;

-- The terrible economy is exclusively the fault of Obama and his liberal social programs;

-- All of Franklin D. Roosevelt's social programs were complete failures;

-- Social Security, Medicare, the VA and the GI Bill were/are not liberal social programs;

-- Obama has raised taxes for the poor and middle-class;

-- Obama is a Muslim/socialist/communist (take your pick) plotting the downfall of the US backed by George Soros' money (and Soros was a teenage Nazi, too, incidentally);

-- Rupert Murdoch is completely different from Soros, since he's a loyal, patriotic American (Murdoch is, of course, from Australia);

-- Obama was not born in this country and the 'liberal media' is hiding the truth;

-- Sarah Palin has been shunned by the 'lamestream' media, despite the millions she's made from doting MSM coverage of her;

-- God has personally chosen the Tea Party candidates and opposition candidates are all the pawns of Satan;

-- The only economic system God approves of is free market capitalism (you can look it up -- it's in the Bible somewhere);

-- Jesus endorsed the death penalty; it's obvious because he – duh – allowed himself to die on the cross;

-- Liberals, not big corporations, are sending American jobs overseas to Communist countries like China in a conspiracy to position China to take over the U.S.;

-- Liberals hate big corporations because they make people work for their money and liberals hate people who work for a living; they just want to reward blacks and Hispanics with 'our' money for sitting around on their fat asses all day watching TV and voting for Democrats;

-- Blacks and Hispanics are taking all of our good jobs, thanks to affirmative action;

-- Liberals are the true racists who want to keep minorities poor and in the ghetto and use organizations such as the defunct ACORN and the two idiots in the New Black Panthers to intimidate and threaten anyone who might disagree; white liberals want to turn blacks and Hispanics into slaves again;

-- Unemployment compensation is a 'Democrat plot' to reward minorities who are too lazy to look for a job;

-- There is no separation of church and state; you only have the right to believe in the monotheistic religion of your choice;

-- Except Islam, of course, where they worship Allah who is nothing like the God of Jesus or the Yahweh of Judaism;

-- Jesus hated homosexuals, despite the fact that he did not refer to them in the New Testament;

-- Our Founders, like Thomas Jefferson, did not support free public education – that's an idea straight from Stalin's Moscow;

-- Liberals are vicious fiends who enjoy killing babies through abortion;

-- Liberals want women to work outside the home so that their children will be raised by state-run Obamacare centers and will become his personal army in the future;

-- All liberals worship Karl Marx, Hitler, Stalin and Mao;

-- All liberals are atheists who hate religion and especially Christianity;

-- All liberals love Islam and support terrorists;

-- You have no Constitutional right to privacy, and it's all the fault of liberals and Democrats;

-- Only Fox News can be trusted for factual information;

-- Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh are a great men and teachers of the truth, and the proof of this is that liberals hate them.

Since they won't believe any proof that contradicts what they are saying, are deaf to reason, and blind to their own hypocrisies and inconsistencies, it is impossible to have a lucid, adult conversation with them. In short, they're crazy and they'll drive you crazy trying to communicate with them.

Thank God these nutcases are only a small, if voluble, minority.

© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake -- Thanksgiving Prattle: Tortured Rhymes For Tortured Times Edition

Tortured Rhymes For Tortured Times

The horrible thing
That is spring
Gives way to summer –
Bummer!
And fall –
The word says it all –
And then the wonderful
Cold kick of winter
Which is like
Finding your stocking stuffed
With a burned-out cinder.
On Thanksgiving we
Give thanks to a
Thing unknown for
All we've been given –
Life, health, some wealth,
And a broadminded cynicism.
But when Bird Day arrives
We're still murky about
Who's the real turkey,
Readying for the season of
Cheery humbug bah,
Thee, he, she, them, it,
Or – ahem -- moi?

(End)

© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake – Debunking Five Current Media Myths Edition

"Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything."
-- George Bernard Shaw

1. The Republicans are going to end earmarks. Ha, ha! Both parties, but especially the GOP, thrive on earmarks – not only does it bring home the bacon, but it's a nice covert way to reward their corporate sponsors. The typically devious Republicans, with the help of some Blue Dog Dems in the Senate, are just going to change the name to something like 'help American families add-ons' or 'freedom appropriation inserts' and continue to happily earmark away.

2. The Republican Party is now strong. Another laugher. The GOP had to rebrand as the 'new Tea Party GOP' in 2010 and none of their candidates dared campaign with Junior Bush. In TV ads, many GOP candidates did not even mention they were Republicans. Rand Paul, the only true Teabagger in the Senate, is now making noises like a "go along to get along" guy, and various naïve Teabaggers in the House, like the anti-government-paid health care dimwit who demanded his government-paid health care ahead of schedule, have begun showing their strong streak of stupid, even before January's official swearing in. Most of us have noticed it's not the mid-90s anymore, with the booming economy of the Clinton years, except for Republicans like Rep. Darrell Issa. Tying the House up in endless attempts to impeach Obama is not going to endear the GOP to a crumbling nation dealing with what is really the second Great Depression. And some of the Teabaggers may be gravely offended to discover that the GOP has been lying to them. It's going to be a fractious two years in Congress that won't come out well for the GOP in 2012.

3. The Republicans have a plan to restore jobs. Related to the item above, and every bit as hilarious, the GOP has nothing except 'tax cuts' (spin and repeat, ad nauseum), and that isn't going to create any jobs except at corporate PR firms trying to peddle the fraud that tax cuts are working to create jobs, and that's not nearly enough to refloat the fast-sinking economy. As the fading middle-class notices its nails are ripping off trying to hang on to what they have left, brand 'Tea Party Republican' will become a political curse as loaded with negative connotations as 'Communist' or 'Cheney' is today.

4. The Republicans can balance the budget. The GOP hasn't been able to balance the federal budget since Reagan took office, and without Clinton-inspired tax hikes and a few turns by Big Bill, there wouldn't have been a surplus in 2000. Since the GOP doesn't want to end two over-priced wars from which their corporate supporters are getting wealthier, truly reform our wastefully expensive health care system, remove corporate tax loopholes, separate commercial and investment banks, and cut the defense budget drastically, that leaves social spending like Social Security and Medicare on the block. The unvarnished truth: Even if the GOP junked all federal social programs, which they won't be able to do, they still wouldn't be able to balance the budget. In fact, with their tax cuts for the wealthy of prime importance, along with preserving corporate tax loopholes, they'll be adding another trillion dollars to the debt. They'll remain the 'put it on the credit card and blame the Democrats' party they've been for 30 years.

5. The Democrats lost because they went too far left. Au contraire, mon frere, as George Carlin used to say. Think of it: In spite of the corporate millions that poured into the Senate race in Nevada, the GOP couldn't score what should have been an easy victory. In California, progressive and GOP target Barbara Boxer prevailed, and the Tea Party proved its basic worthlessness in the "I'm not a witch" fiasco that was Christine O'Donnell in Delaware. Only in those areas of the country dominated by Fox News and AM radio right-wing talkers, and not much counter-balancing local media, where the Teabaggers could work without serious scrutiny, did they score wins, mostly against Blue Dog Dems. The reason a lot of Dems stayed home in 2010 is that they were tired of voting for progressive Democrats and getting Republican Lite. Obama and the Dems should listen to the wisdom of Harry Truman, a Democrat who prevailed during a bad time for Dems in the late 1940s, "Given the choice between a Republican and a Democrat who acts like a Republican, people will vote for the real Republican every time."

Obama and the Dems might also heed this advice from Give 'Em Hell Harry: "Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive and don't ever apologize for anything."

But let's not expect too much.

© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake – Jon Stewart WTF?!? and Other Miscellaneous Head-Slappers Edition

-- What is Jon Stewart playing at? I'm a big fan of The Daily Show star and think he's done a great job in the past, so it pains me to write this, but WTF?!? Okay, so to make his point at the Rally to Restore Sanity he tossed Keith Olbermann and Ed Schultz under the same bus reserved for Glenn Beck and Fox News. Last Monday, Olbermann graciously took his point and even cancelled indefinitely one of my favorite Countdown segments, "Worst Persons in the World." But the other day on TDS, here's Stewart heaping honey on Chris Wallace of Fox News and agreeing to appear on Wallace's "Fox News Sunday." Yes, he took a few mild swipes at Fox's obvious Republican partisanship, but he also equated MSNBC, the home of Olbermann and Schulz, to a AA ball club compared to the Big Leaguers at Fox. He didn't mean that in a complimentary way, but Jon can't seriously believe there is any parity between what Fox does and what MSNBC does. (For one thing, Fox doesn't give a liberal Democrat a three-hour weekday morning program, as MSNBC has with conservative Republican Joe Scarborough.) Put simply: Fox lies, as Stewart well knows, and MSNBC's progressive hosts, even though they may display passion for their side, don't. You can't possibly have a restoration of sanity without fact, and Jon Stewart knows that, as well. So, why is Stewart trying to make them both seem equal? A few possibilities:

1. Since the hosts at MSNBC won't be invited on Fox – even Ed Schultz is banned now, I've heard – perhaps Stewart sees himself as the voice of reason who can parry the thrusts of the Noise Machine and inject some truth into Fox's stream-of-conspicuous nonsense. To do that, he must maintain some semblance of being 'reasonable,' which means to the right-wingers attacking MSNBC and progressives. Note: If this is the case, Obama has tried this tactic for the last two years and just had his head handed to him. It doesn't work.

2. Maybe Stewart just has some personal animosity toward Olbermann and Schultz and he's taking it out this way. That would be mighty petty of him, but nobody's perfect, particularly in an ego-driven arena like show business.

3. This is the ugly one: Comedy Central is owned by corporate media giant Viacom and it's possible they finally noticed TDS and Stewart have had quite an impact on recent elections and the voting trends of those under 30. Was Stewart brought in by Bush-backer and Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone for a pointed "Network" reminder of who signs his paychecks and told to back off? I have noticed Jon has been much more civil to right-wingers this year, even bottom of the barrel types like Bill O'Reilly. I'd hate to think the reason he's promoting this 'equivalency' is that he doesn't want to end up back humping the comedy club circuit doing 300 "Hey, I'll be at McLaughington's in Akron on Friday!" road gigs a year. He's now a middle-aged man with a home, wife, family and a pile of bills – powerful reasons to toe the corporate line.

4. And this is the really horrible one: Perhaps his head is being turned by the 'charm' of the right-wing corporatists; they can be very persuasive 'good guys' in person, unless you remember the whole fetid history of the Republican Party of the past 30 years. I recall when Dennis Miller had his HBO show years ago: first he brought on right-wingers to lightly mock them, as Stewart does; then he had them on to explain their positions while he nodded his head; then he became one of the Pod People himself. Miller should be a warning of what happens to those who turn their backs on sanity and the facts – they end up losing their core audience, and money, as they perform for a bunch of dimwit thumbsuckers who don't get their jokes.

5. Even more horrible than the last one: Stewart is angling for a nice, long-term berth at Fox hosting a TDS-style political satire show. It's no secret Roger Ailes has been looking to compete with TDS; what better way than to back up Murdoch's money truck and hire away Stewart? (Think Karl Rove: attack their strong point.) I'd hate to think this is Stewart's motivation, but it's a possibility.

Whatever the reason is, I wish Stewart would, in the interest of fairness, have Olbermann and Schultz as guests on his show to present their side, as he does with the Fox Newsers. (And Olbermann and Schultz should reciprocate by having Stewart on their shows to explain himself.) Let's clear the air.

I hope this is all a tiff among friends, rather than the creation of another Miller monstrosity or Ailes attack dog.

(H/T to Bartcop.com for the graphic.)

-- Uh, oh, it looks like Obama is in full capitulation mode on tax cuts for the rich. Instead, why doesn't he call the GOP's bluff on the issue of tax cuts by countering with this proposal: Reduce the top tax rate on individuals and corporations earning over $250K per year to 30 percent, with this caveat: All loopholes will be eliminated and the Estate Tax will return to 1980 levels. That means every corporation and wealthy individual will pay 30 cents of every dollar in taxes, no exceptions. In the tax rates below the top bracket, persons and businesses earning between $100K and $250K will pay 20 percent; those earning 70K to $100K will pay 10 percent, 20K to 70K will pay 5 percent, and those earning under 20K will pay no federal income tax at all. No loopholes, dodges, or tax havens for any of them, with the added benefit that the public will have an easier time of filing tax returns, while the IRS will be able to more cheaply enforce the tax laws and process returns, saving the taxpayers money. Will it happen? Probably not.

-- One final note: Why did nearly all of the high-profile national Tea Party candidates – Angle, O'Donnell, Buck, McMahon, and, as now seems likely, Joe Miller – lose while so many were elected to the House? Easy – media coverage. In those areas of the country where local news has been decimated by corporate cutbacks, radio is dominated by Rush Limbaugh and his imitators, and Fox News is on in every restaurant and bar, the Tea Partiers were not confronted on their more wacky beliefs, their resumes were not closely examined, and they were not subjected to tough interviews, while Obama and the Dems were excoriated with constant Glenn Beck intensity. Without the help of massive infusions of corporate cash, Fox News, and the widespread ownership of radio by right-wing corporations that aid the GOP, the results would have been much different Tuesday. Although Thom Hartmann may disagree, this is why we need the Fairness Doctrine reinstated.

© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake – Sifting Through the Post-Election Ashes Edition

First off, in my previous 'Toast and Coast' pieces, I accurately predicted that Republican Teabaggers Linda McMahon, Carl Paladino, and the Sisterhood of the Traveling Palins, Sharron Angle and Christine O'Donnell, were all toast, along with the Billionaire Girls Club of Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina. G.I. Joe Miller in Alaska and Ken Buck in Colorado are still undecided at this hour. That leaves two where the Tattler's crystal ball was cloudy – Rand "There's Something About an Aqua Buddha Man" Paul in Kentucky and Mark "Captain Blight" Kirk in Illinois – but 6 out of 8 ain't bad. Ron Paul's offshoot was the biggest surprise, but probably should not have been in a Red State that elected a turtle wax replicant like the sour-lipped Mitch McConnell to the Senate.

As I watched the televised bulletins from the Planet Xenon otherwise known as the Mainstream Media carve up and autopsy What This Election Means today, of course the MSM managed to bungle and bypass any realistic diagnosis as they became trapped in the humbug of their own quackery and delusion. A blur of the Pundit Class' finest recruits for Perdition hilariously kept sawing on some iteration of this soggy paper-maché log: "This election will show Obama he has to cooperate with the Republicans to get things done!" Really? What has he been doing so far?

The official DeeCee Democratic Party, naturally, will take the wrong lesson from this drubbing – "We need to be more conservative!" rather than, "We have to stand for our progressive principles and stop backing down!" So, have no worries, Teabaggers, the GOP, even though a majority only in the House, will get everything it wants out of the Senate, from budget-busting tax cuts for the wealthy and further corporate deregulation to, perhaps, some curtailing of unemployment benefits and elimination of the minimum wage, hastening our final plunge off the economic cliff.

And you won't hear John Boehner solemnly announcing, "Impeachment is off the table!" To the contrary, the Republicans will be conducting proctological investigations of every person who ever spoke to Obama in an effort to find some scrap of sleaze with which to remove him from office, aided and abetted by Fox News and the other media gangsters on the right. (Orly Taitz, get ready for your Congressional appearance!) While the GOP likely won't be successful at actually impeaching Obama, they will so muddy his name and reputation that they'll get their wish – he'll be a one-term footnote in history, 'first African-American president,' with no other accomplishments listed.

In the Tattler's occasional Unscientific Barroom Polls, I ask tipplers of various ages and colors to state, in a few short words, what they think conservative Republicans believe in: "Tax cuts," "Small government," and "Strong defense," were the most frequent answers. I then ask the same question regarding the Democrats. Most people stared at me agape, unable to think of a thing, although one respondent said "Weakness" and another uttered "Big government." During the time of FDR, most Americans presented with the same query about Democrats would have said, "Saving the economy," "Fighting for the little guy," "Creating jobs." Will the Dems learn that lesson? You have to stand for something.

In two years America will be sick of the Republicans, or what's left of America anyway, and ready to toss the conservatives out in favor of Democrats who think they should be more conservative, and the dance will continue until the global economic collapse that is certain unless a miracle happens and Obama starts taking tips from FDR instead of Lincoln.

© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

The Tattlesnake – Yankee Doodle Kydoodles and Other Yowling Yowfs of the Teabaggers Pox Americana Edition

"What then is freedom madness? God forbid. For freedom and madness exist not together."
-- Epictetus, "Golden Sayings," No. XXIX

Non-corporate dissectors of the political scene, and Board Certified (in the Rand Paul sense) observers such as myself, have learned to read the stray tea leaves crushed beneath the corporately-financed circus wagon of this year's New, Improved Tidal Wave GOP ("Democracy's Detergent!") and the occasional bits of actual useful information that drop off the Big Media buffet table of parboiled conventional-wisdom offal determined fit for the rustics by the over-paid 'two legs good, two legs with money great' crew that pounds a dismal beat between Beltway Washington and the glass canyons of New York.

A pattern has emerged as clear as the unblinking eyes of Karl Rove when he's lying through his teeth; despite the noises made by national pollsters -- whose questionable practices include antiquated techniques from the 'one ringy-dingy' age of rotary-dial Bakelite phones, and a habitual penchant for loading poll questions with such baloney as, "If you had to vote for a really fantastic Republican candidate or a Democrat who nightly dines on dogs and cats, which would you prefer?" or "Yes, I know it's the headquarters of Koch Industries; I wondered how you planned to vote this election?"-- it's now plain internal polling done by the GOP has revealed that their bumble-brained Teabagger candidates are losing far and wide, and by more drastic margins than the MSM Silly Swillers of Echo Valley would have us believe. Hence, nearly a week before the actual election, we have Republican charges of 'vote fraud' and the vow that voter intimi – er – 'integrity' squads will be dispatched to those areas rife with denizens who made the poor choice to be born with skin darker than Sarah Palin's and, unlike politely accommodating indigent whites in certain parts of the country, insist on voting against those who would gladly serve them up by the shovel to feudalistic Chinese-style capitalism.

Your Tattler could not avoid sketching out what these Teabagger 'voter integrity squads' might look like. Will they be in full 18th century drag from tricorn hat to knee-britches with silk stockings and ask questions of voters in the formal English of two centuries past? "Hark thee, fair citizen! Dost thou possess the required credentials to participate in this seemly exercise of democracy?" If so, I dost predicteth a spate of hilarity as laughing voters push by the costumed lunkheads, most probably thinking they are hawking the opening of a new Long John Silver's rather than checking voter identification.

Of course, Ohio's Republican House contender Rich Iott may dispatch his Nazi re-enactors to prevent any chicanery at the polls. Will they be dressed in complete SS regalia and posing their queries in a fake German accent, ala Col. Klink? "I must zee your papers now, schweinhundt!" This, too, affords too much room for risible ridiculousness, if not danger for the Nazi imposters – some unamused WWII vet might grab a rifle and take potshots at them from his wheelchair or walker.

But then, the Teabaggery may appear in yellow t-shirts with the affable "Don't Tread on Me" embossed in acrylic on the front, accompanied by a gun strapped to their leg in one of those goofy Velcro thigh holsters. Sure, they seem to mean business, but the thigh-holster can be a knotty problem – if the straps are too loose, the pistol humiliatingly falls down on your foot and resembles nothing so much as a public depantsing; if the straps are too tight, it cuts off blood flow and the Teabagger tough guy is reduced to hopping around on one foot, trying to intimidate minority voters while restoring circulation to his numb leg. "Hey – Ow! Ow! – you got legal identification to vote – Ow! Ow! – here?" That path, too, leads to nothing other than comical YouTube videos and an excuse for some droll Jon Stewart barbs on The Daily Show.

But no matter what garb the Teabaggers don -- whether it's grim 'Men in Black' mufti like Joe Miller's amateur-hour security guards in Alaska, or the simpler straw hat with hanging teabags stapled around the brim – the fact is that most Teabaggers hail from rural, caucasian areas of the country. While they are confident they intimately know the psyche of black people from long exposure to lawn ornamentation and Bill Cosby reruns, and no doubt believe they will be greeted in Inner City regions by courteous men and women emulating our gracious president, such may not be the case. I can think of several black folks of my acquaintance who would not take kindly to being confronted by some rude peckerwood demanding their papers. They would definitely not refrain from putting the 'Mr. T' in Tea Party, so to speak.

What's more, if Hispanics are the vicious beheading drug gangsters the trembling Teabaggers have been told they are, how many of Beck's Crusaders will want to hang around in front of polling places in Latino neighborhoods, waiting for the Machete of Death to fall? These Tea Partiers are, after all, gullible ante-bellum conservatives who are scared of almost everything, including any concept hatched after the Dark Ages, and unlikely to chance confronting the living representations of the actors Sharron Angle sticks in her Halloween Party TV ads.

There will be intimidation at the polls -- the Teabaggers will be terrified into sitting in their vans with the doors locked, hunched down, trying not to wet themselves. This GOP 'project' will be as big a bust as Rove's electoral math in 2006.

Add to that the number of voters who find criminally stomping on a passive woman's head at a public event offensive, and you have an upset for the Democrats in the making, and the Teabaggers quickly jettisoned from the GOP ranks damned with the only epithet the cynical Republican elite consistently honors, 'loser'.

Contrary to the news-cycle fantasies of Media Conventional Wisdom to which would-be president Rudy Giuliani succumbed, mostly a confection of giddy press releases, past performance, and inbred cocktail party jabber, the fanatical Teabagger GOP – a small minority never much more than empty rage, incoherent ideas, and shifting wind, financed by fools with more money than brains -- peaked months ago and has been in decline ever since as Democratic candidates rose in even the archaic landline-phone polls that favor older, whiter, more rural, and more conservative voters – in other words, the core of the Tea Party movement. If the Punditocracy that has for the past year woven the fiction of massive GOP gains in 2010 were not so obstinate in supporting their own discredited imaginings, and getting a pat on the head from the large corporations that dispense their paychecks, they might look at this information from a different angle, and I don't mean Sharron: Around the country, the Democrats have pulled even or ahead with the voters the desiccated, weakened GOP desperately needs to get elected.

Hang down your bulbous Chuck Schulz head, Charlie Cook.

Sure, it's possible that Dems will stay home in droves to teach Obama some kind of obscure lesson, which is reminiscent of the story about the boy who chopped off half his foot with an axe for attention. He got the attention he craved – his family thought he was nuts and stuck him in a mental hospital, and he had to live out his life limping around with half his foot missing. And disgusted independent voters might decide to commit economic suicide by entrusting their futures to babbling goofballs like Angle and Rand Paul, and corporate vipers like John Boehner and Mitch McConnell, and complete the job of obliterating our Constitution, rewarding the rich at the expense of the rest of us, eliminating social programs, and shipping what's left of our jobs overseas or forcing us to work for slave wages.

Then, I'll hang down my head, but I won't be alone – millions of Americans, in a few years, will feel the full impact of Reverse Robin Hood Republicanism and be doing the same, and what's left of America will depend on the thin thread of ink flowing from the president's veto pen.

If it comes to that point, you'd better hope Obama doesn't hold a grudge and decide to teach the country a lesson.

© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

Kydoodle: To make loud, meaningless noise.
(From the book "Words" by Paul Dickson.)

Yowf: One whose importance exceeds [their] merit. Rich or influential fools. (Coined by Gelet Burgess who also invented the words 'blurb' and 'bromide.')