Who Knows -- They Might Even Be Real Someday
Bush Seeks 'Decision Czar' to Run Executive Branch
"I'm the decider," says president, "and I decided we needed somebody to make the decisions around here."
Rice Asks for 'New Strategy' in Middle East
"But no one should imply that the old one isn't working fine, of course," the Secretary of State tells reporters
New GOP Bill Says Illegal Immigrants Should Be Sold to Highest Bidder
"This is the traditional American way we dealt with unskilled workers who came over here for jobs," says bill co-sponsor Mississippi Sen. Trent Lott, "I think it's time we tried it again."
Cheney: Iran Bought Yellow Cake Uranium from Niger
"We have the proof," claims vice president, "We just received the intelligence documents from Italy."
Phil Leotardo Named New US Ambassador to Iraq
"So he's not real and he's dead," says White House press aide, "He'll fit right in over there."
Bill O'Reilly Wins Nobel Prize in Fiction
"It took them long enough," jokes political pundit as Stockholm committee names "Culture Warrior" for top award
Paris Hilton to Run for L.A. County Sheriff
Celebrity heiress: "This is my first move to show everybody I'm not really dumb."
TV Actor Arrested in Motel Room with Rental Car Navigation System
"This is unnatural, disgusting," says police spokesperson, "Pants down, drooling -- I can't even describe what he was trying to do to it -- he was mumbling something about 'awesome Chinese' when we caught him."
US Senior Found Who Exists Without Prescription Medication
"Not even an aspirin," says Hugo Wayback, 81, "and I'm healthy as a horse."
Hasselhoff Slated for Hip Operation
"Everybody thinks I'm passé, out of it," says actor, "I'll show them."
Super TB Man Hired to Prosecute JFK Plotters
Andrew Speaker claims if there's a case here, he'll find it
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Comparing Plastered Paris and the Plastic GOP Edition
Twenty-One Incredible Similarities Between Paris Hilton and the Republican Party:
1. Both are famous for accomplishing nothing.
2. Both have large amounts of unearned income derived from an intimate relationship with the wealthy.
3. Both constantly pose for empty photo-ops.
4. Neither one has a brain cell between them.
5. Both deserve jail time for sheer incompetence and stupidity.
6. Both have exploited pornography for media attention.
7. Both retain a tiny fan base of faithful idiots who believe they can do no wrong.
8. Each causes grief for themselves whenever they 'Rove.'
9. Both try to solve complex problems with simple-minded answers.
10. Both have trouble separating fantasy from reality.
11. Both have a Bush.
12. Both like Dick.
13. Both whine and cry like babies when held accountable for the trouble they bring on themselves.
14. Both rely on cheesy marketing ploys to manipulate the media.
15. Both wish they had some acting talent to salvage their futures.
16. Both are held in contempt by most Americans, sick and tired of their silly antics.
17. Both are vain and self-absorbed, and pretend to be something they're not.
18. Both should never be allowed behind the wheel again.
19. Both are usually drunk on something.
20. Both have a habit of attacking their old friends.
21. Both would look good in orange jumpsuits.
1. Both are famous for accomplishing nothing.
2. Both have large amounts of unearned income derived from an intimate relationship with the wealthy.
3. Both constantly pose for empty photo-ops.
4. Neither one has a brain cell between them.
5. Both deserve jail time for sheer incompetence and stupidity.
6. Both have exploited pornography for media attention.
7. Both retain a tiny fan base of faithful idiots who believe they can do no wrong.
8. Each causes grief for themselves whenever they 'Rove.'
9. Both try to solve complex problems with simple-minded answers.
10. Both have trouble separating fantasy from reality.
11. Both have a Bush.
12. Both like Dick.
13. Both whine and cry like babies when held accountable for the trouble they bring on themselves.
14. Both rely on cheesy marketing ploys to manipulate the media.
15. Both wish they had some acting talent to salvage their futures.
16. Both are held in contempt by most Americans, sick and tired of their silly antics.
17. Both are vain and self-absorbed, and pretend to be something they're not.
18. Both should never be allowed behind the wheel again.
19. Both are usually drunk on something.
20. Both have a habit of attacking their old friends.
21. Both would look good in orange jumpsuits.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Defining the Neocon Lexicon Edition
Translating the Republican Can-Do Cant to (Nearly) Plain English:
Abu Ghraib: A character from the Gasoline Ali comic strip who specialized in tortured logic. (See also Woo Woo below.)
Bush's Economy: Something that seems good only when dropped into a neocon think tank, or the Wall Street Journal editorial boardroom, and cooked for six years by deaf, dumb and blind economists. The resulting elixir is called champagne by the wealthiest 10 percent, but tastes like low-paid Kool-Aid to everyone else. (See also the Great Depression.)
Bush Intelligence: Cheney telling the CIA what the White House wants them to say. (See Self-Fulfilling Prophecy.)
Christian Right: Two words erroneously applied to a highly vocal religious sect of the Republican Party as they represent neither the philosophy of the former nor the definition of the latter.
Communicate (as in "communicate to the public our beliefs"): To lie unabashedly. (See also the Frank Luntz Dictionary of Political Evasion.)
Compassionate Conservatism: Screwing the citizenry blind, but calling it a "program for the improvement of visual acuity" for the sake of the mass media and the twits who believe them. (See also the Differences Between Grapes and Golf Balls.)
Election: An opportunity in 2008 to test the new 'secret proprietary code' voting software that will work better for the GOP than it did in 2006. (See also the Help America Vote (Republican) Act.)
DeLay: What inevitably results when a GOP politician gets too much of de money and de power.
General: A supporter of Bush's war in Iraq, until he or she retires from the service.
Giuliani Time: A festive period in New York City when minorities are allowed to party with the business end of a police officer's billy club or taser and, in some cases, the lead slug from a service pistol.
Gonzalizing: The ability to complacently tell an unbelievable lie to cover a previous unbelievable lie and smile afterward, even in front of adults.
Goodling: A poorly-educated and naive incompetent who is nevertheless installed in a position of senior governmental power, the better to attract the blame when the proverbial feces slaps up against the electric fan blades. (See Sap, Sucker and Yellowbelly.)
Immigration Reform: Allowing poor illegal Pablo to work for rich Peter cheap and on the sly so that Peter's corporation can make a huge profit, while maintaining a flowing sewer of coded rhetoric to satisfy the party racists. (See Nixon's Southern Strategy.)
Iran: The repository of all human evil and Bush's next war, now that Saddam Hussein is dead and North Korea has the bomb. Like Saddam, they had no connection to 9/11, but that's a distinction worthy only of sissy peaceniks and pinko commies. (See also Making Osama Smile.)
Military Recruiters: Non-commissioned officers who don't bother to set up a table at Young Republican events. (See also Chickenhawk Yolks.)
Rice Pudding: A visit from an American dignitary for the sole purpose of taking a picture while smiling and shaking hands. (See also World's Silliest Publicity Stunts.)
Rove Toast: A slice of stale white bread that has been baked in hubris until it falls apart. (See also Fatal Diseases Caused by Mold and Arrogance.)
Romney: A car that runs on unleaded grassroots or GOP premium, depending on which way the wind is blowing. (See also Forked Tongue Syndrome.)
Serving the People: In the same way a tennis ball is placed across a net. (See also The Twilight Zone's Best Episodes.)
Think Tank: When referring to neocon foundations that dash out lofty-sounding reports to justify idiocy, it means to literally sit there and ponder how best to use a heavily-armed military vehicle to solve every problem, from unrest among foreign civilians to border control. (See also Attila the Hun; Vlad the Impaler.)
Thirty-Second Spot: The byproduct of a cow's digestive system put into a blender, heated in a pot, and served as gravy; all is fine until you take a bite. (See also Optical Illusions.)
USS McCain: An old battleship built with two aft ends and no bow; in action, the props tend to cancel each other out, leaving the ship dead in the water and sinking fast. (See also The Wackiest Ship in the Navy.)
Victory in Iraq: A sand castle built in a neocon's mind, held together by the glue of persistent ignorance or the sugar of insistent greed. (See also the Psychopathology of Losing Gamblers.)
Weekly Standard: The equivalent of 'Fantastic Stories' for the educated neocon. (See also Geek Mythology and Kristol's Pistol.)
Woo Woo: Any neocon with a law degree who attempts to legally justify torture, trespassing, wiretapping, and a host of other criminal acts the current administration seeks to redefine as virtuous for the state, but still illegal for civilians. (See also Torquemada; Henry VIII.)
Abu Ghraib: A character from the Gasoline Ali comic strip who specialized in tortured logic. (See also Woo Woo below.)
Bush's Economy: Something that seems good only when dropped into a neocon think tank, or the Wall Street Journal editorial boardroom, and cooked for six years by deaf, dumb and blind economists. The resulting elixir is called champagne by the wealthiest 10 percent, but tastes like low-paid Kool-Aid to everyone else. (See also the Great Depression.)
Bush Intelligence: Cheney telling the CIA what the White House wants them to say. (See Self-Fulfilling Prophecy.)
Christian Right: Two words erroneously applied to a highly vocal religious sect of the Republican Party as they represent neither the philosophy of the former nor the definition of the latter.
Communicate (as in "communicate to the public our beliefs"): To lie unabashedly. (See also the Frank Luntz Dictionary of Political Evasion.)
Compassionate Conservatism: Screwing the citizenry blind, but calling it a "program for the improvement of visual acuity" for the sake of the mass media and the twits who believe them. (See also the Differences Between Grapes and Golf Balls.)
Election: An opportunity in 2008 to test the new 'secret proprietary code' voting software that will work better for the GOP than it did in 2006. (See also the Help America Vote (Republican) Act.)
DeLay: What inevitably results when a GOP politician gets too much of de money and de power.
General: A supporter of Bush's war in Iraq, until he or she retires from the service.
Giuliani Time: A festive period in New York City when minorities are allowed to party with the business end of a police officer's billy club or taser and, in some cases, the lead slug from a service pistol.
Gonzalizing: The ability to complacently tell an unbelievable lie to cover a previous unbelievable lie and smile afterward, even in front of adults.
Goodling: A poorly-educated and naive incompetent who is nevertheless installed in a position of senior governmental power, the better to attract the blame when the proverbial feces slaps up against the electric fan blades. (See Sap, Sucker and Yellowbelly.)
Immigration Reform: Allowing poor illegal Pablo to work for rich Peter cheap and on the sly so that Peter's corporation can make a huge profit, while maintaining a flowing sewer of coded rhetoric to satisfy the party racists. (See Nixon's Southern Strategy.)
Iran: The repository of all human evil and Bush's next war, now that Saddam Hussein is dead and North Korea has the bomb. Like Saddam, they had no connection to 9/11, but that's a distinction worthy only of sissy peaceniks and pinko commies. (See also Making Osama Smile.)
Military Recruiters: Non-commissioned officers who don't bother to set up a table at Young Republican events. (See also Chickenhawk Yolks.)
Rice Pudding: A visit from an American dignitary for the sole purpose of taking a picture while smiling and shaking hands. (See also World's Silliest Publicity Stunts.)
Rove Toast: A slice of stale white bread that has been baked in hubris until it falls apart. (See also Fatal Diseases Caused by Mold and Arrogance.)
Romney: A car that runs on unleaded grassroots or GOP premium, depending on which way the wind is blowing. (See also Forked Tongue Syndrome.)
Serving the People: In the same way a tennis ball is placed across a net. (See also The Twilight Zone's Best Episodes.)
Think Tank: When referring to neocon foundations that dash out lofty-sounding reports to justify idiocy, it means to literally sit there and ponder how best to use a heavily-armed military vehicle to solve every problem, from unrest among foreign civilians to border control. (See also Attila the Hun; Vlad the Impaler.)
Thirty-Second Spot: The byproduct of a cow's digestive system put into a blender, heated in a pot, and served as gravy; all is fine until you take a bite. (See also Optical Illusions.)
USS McCain: An old battleship built with two aft ends and no bow; in action, the props tend to cancel each other out, leaving the ship dead in the water and sinking fast. (See also The Wackiest Ship in the Navy.)
Victory in Iraq: A sand castle built in a neocon's mind, held together by the glue of persistent ignorance or the sugar of insistent greed. (See also the Psychopathology of Losing Gamblers.)
Weekly Standard: The equivalent of 'Fantastic Stories' for the educated neocon. (See also Geek Mythology and Kristol's Pistol.)
Woo Woo: Any neocon with a law degree who attempts to legally justify torture, trespassing, wiretapping, and a host of other criminal acts the current administration seeks to redefine as virtuous for the state, but still illegal for civilians. (See also Torquemada; Henry VIII.)
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