"The Tiger's Fuzzy Tale"
A short one-act play featuring Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Woods.
ELIN WOODS: "So you're telling me you haven't talked to that woman in six months!"
TIGER WOODS: "Absolutely, babe, I broke it off completely."
EW: "You filthy liar! I checked your cell phone and there are three calls to her just today!"
TW: "Ulp!" [Audible gulp] "Look, I'm getting out of here until you're more rational. I can't talk to you when you're crazy like this."
[Tiger exits room with EW in pursuit. As she leaves, EW grabs a golf club from a bag by the door.]
EW: [Enraged] "Don't you walk out on me, you lousy bastard!"
TW: "What are you doing with that club?! [EW swings and hits TW's arm with the club.] "OWWWW! What the hell are you doing?!"
EW: "You're not running out on me, you little creep!"
TW: [Getting into his black Escalade and starting it up] "I'm not running out on you – I'm just going out for a drive until you calm down. Oh, Jesus, my arm is numb – how do you expect me to play golf with a numb arm?!"
[TW quickly drives off. As a parting shot, EW hits the back window of the Escalade with the golf club, shattering the window.]
TW: [Yelling out the driver's side window] "You crazy bitch! Take a chill pill!"
[Moments later there is the sound of a car crashing at the end of the drive. EW runs to where the Escalade has hit a tree.]
EW: "Ha, ha – serves you right you steaming pile of crap!" [Mood changes to concern] "Wait, are you hurt, Tiger?"
TW: "My arm isn't right where you HIT IT with the GODDAMN GOLF CLUB, but I'm okay otherwise, just a couple of scratches. Shit, just look at my friggin' car!"
EW: "You'd better go to the hospital. I'll call 911."
TW: "Wait, wait! Don't call yet. You realize if it comes out what we were fighting about you can kiss $20 million in endorsement deals good-bye. We need a good story to tell the cops first."
EW: [Skeptical] "Yeah, sure, what kind of story could cover your arm and the shattered back window? I want to hear this."
TW: "I've got it – I had the car accident, hurt my arm, passed out cold, and you smashed the back window to courageously save me!"
EW: "Why would I smash in the back window to save you? Wouldn't I smash a side window? Besides, there's nothing wrong with the driver's side door – wouldn't I just open that and get you out?"
TW: "Hey, I'm Tiger Woods -- people love my ass. Nobody's going to ask questions like that! You just stick to the story and we've got it made!"
EW: "Okay, I'm calling 911."
[The End?]
© 2009 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment