Declassified Ads Edition

From the Foggy Bottom Weekly Shopper:

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LOTION FOR SALE
A year's supply of Gergen's Lotion can be yours at a bargain price! Help grease your way to the middle-of-the-road with this popular electoral balm. If you act now, we'll throw in a case of Preparation P for free, guaranteed to shrink your principles to the size of a pinhead! Contact Dave at 202 555-2008 or email RightSlider@GOPMoneyMan.com
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ETHICS COURSE
White House Ethics Course -- learn ethics the fast EZ way! Complete 12-CD ethics course narrated by noted ethicist William Bennett, with commentary by Armstrong Williams and Dan Bartlett. Great PR device for politicians and business people who want to convince the public they're doing the right thing! Call Karl at 202 555-1600, or email BBrain@WhiteHouse.gov. No returns or refunds on this special deal!
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INVENTORY CLOSEOUT
All 'War on Christmas' items on sale at half-price! Sure, it didn't do so well this year, but hang onto this stuff, as we might do a replay next year! Bumper stickers, posters, books, all at incredible bargain prices! Makes a great distraction from important issues! Contact Big John at Fox News for details, 555 202-1984.
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TROPHY CASE FOR SALE
Never-used trophy case for sale, fine-grain oak with glass front, perfect for Emmy's, Pulitzer's or Polk Awards. B/O. Call Bill at 202 555-DOPE or email O'Reilly@NoSpinZone.com
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TESTICLES FOR SALE
Pair of testicles for sale cheap! Not used in over a generation, but fully-functional the last time they were taken out of the box. Popular with the public, but we have no use for them as they conflict with our fundraising plans. May have once belonged to Harry Truman, but we're really not sure. Contact Al at the Democratic Leadership Council, 202 555-2008, or email RepubLite@DLC.org.
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JOB WANTED
Man with long history of government economic forecasts favorable to his employer seeks job doing same in private sector. Impressive-looking spread sheets, pie charts and Power Point presentations a breeze, and I'm glib enough to say nothing and make it sound like the Magna Carta! I can even get my wife to pump up your business in the media! Tell me what you want and let's get 'er done! Email Alan at:AG@GreenspanMarketing.org
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BOOKS, WE HAVE BOOKS!
All titles in stock and priced to sell!

"English as a Second Language"
George W. Bush as told to David Frum
List: $24.95 Our price: $1.99

"I Never Said That"
Dick Cheney as told to anyone who'll listen
List: $9.95 Our price: Free

"Truth as a Hobby"
Scott McClellan as not told to anyone who'll listen
List: 2.95 Our price: Whatever spare change you have.

"Your Career in Journalism"
Jeff Gannon as told to himself
List: $10.95 Our price: We'll pay you a buck to take it away.

To order, send check or MO to:
Govt. Vanity Publishers
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Make checks payable to 'NSA'with your full name, address, and phone number on the memo line.
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Today's Quote

"We've got to protect our phony baloney jobs, ladies and gentlemen!"
-- Gov. William J. LePetomane (Mel Brooks) from "Blazing Saddles" 1974.