Scott McClellan's Random Android Reactor
Evade questions the way Scotty does! Comes with full instructions for using lines like "I've already answered that question," even though you haven't, and "I can't comment on an ongoing investigation," even though you have. Use to your advantage in daily life! Just think, the next time your boss asks you why you were a half-hour late, baffle him by responding "My policy is clear on that subject," or when the spouse wonders why you were out until one in the morning and didn't call, slap down "I'm not playing the blame game, I'm not finger-pointing -- let's move on!" Leave 'em gasping and get off 'Scott'-free! Comes with the iron-clad Bush White House Guarantee: We'll keep your money anyway if you're not completely satisfied, so what else have you got to lose! Order today!
The GOP General Alibi Generator and Gullible Electorate Responder
Take a tip from the most successful American political party of the past decade and blame it all on the Democrats! Next time you're caught with your hand in the cookie jar, just say "Clinton did it, too," and dodge the blame! Includes the Complete Luntz-Approved Playbook of Framing the Debate, with zingers you can use in real life! Here are some sample situations and the 'can't fail' GOP G.A.G.G.E.R. that will get YOU off the hook! "We have six witnesses who saw you rob that bank." "That is just another vicious partisan attack!"; "How did the murder weapon get into your car?" "Now is not the time to play politics!"; "We have you on tape lying." "This is just more of your 'Gotcha' game and I refuse to respond!" and many, many more! Order your GOP G.A.G.G.E.R. now, before everyone catches on!
RNC Constitutional Reading Aid Processor
Republicans, just slip on these incredible computerized glasses and, as you read, this amazing device automatically filters out or changes any passages in the U.S. Constitution that conflict with your core beliefs, or those of your campaign contributors. Great for interpreting voting laws, U.N. decisions and other legal documents as well, even the Holy Bible! Have it say what you want it to say the RNC C.R.A.P. way! This is a limited time offer, so act now! (Requires 271 Diebold 'Red State' batteries to operate.) If you order within the next ten days, we'll throw in a GOP G.A.G.G.E.R. (see above) absolutely free!
Rose-Colored X-Ray Glasses
You just know the economy is going great and deficits don't matter! And we're bringing democracy and freedom to Iraq and our occupation has nothing to do with the oil! And Jesus would have approved of our killing and maiming all those stupid brown people who don't agree with us -- you just know that! Yet, your lying eyes sometimes show you a world at odds with your beliefs. Do what our president and his staff do: See the world the way you want it to be! Cut right through the spin of reality and fact to the nirvana you know is hiding just beneath with these Rose-Colored X-Ray Glasses! On sale at all Wal-Mart stores through this special offer. Act now while you still have some money left to spend! (Glasses made in China, just like everything else we sell these days.)
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Still not too late to call your Senators and ask them to oppose Alito
The most important and critical thing we must do is generate as many phone calls as possible. Personal phone calls are the highest impact way to make your
opinion known. We have been told that calls and faxes to the senators' LOCAL district offices are given the highest weight. You can look up all their number in an instant at
http://www.nocrony.com
You should try the local numbers first, leave messages there and then ALSO try them in Washington where you can call any senator toll free at 888-355-3588, 888-818-6641 or 800-426-8073.
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The World Can't Wait
While I wholeheartedly endorse the aim of the group Gore Vidal mentions in this excerpt to demand that "Bush Step Down" on the night of his State of the Union speech, I wonder how the MSM will cover it:
"Here's Bill Schneider, CNN's senior political analyst. Bill, I understand there were demonstrations against the president last night during his State of the Union address."
"Well, Wolf, while a few fringe groups came out against the president, it seems most Americans were willing to give President Bush a chance to make his case. 75% in our latest Weekly Standard/Accuracy in Media/Free Republic poll think President Bush did a fine job of making his case that he is, during wartime, the law of the land, although only 62% -- still a good majority -- approved of House Speaker Dennis Hastert placing the crown on the president's head at the end of the speech. Americans seem to want a strong leader in wartime, Wolf."
"Thanks for that report, Bill. Are you still a Senior Fellow at the conservative American Enterprise Institute?"
"We're not supposed to talk about that, Wolf."
"Ha, ha -- my bad! After the break, tips for living under martial law in the coming Bird Flu epidemic with our own Dr. Sanjay Gupta -- you're in The Situation Room on CNN!"
On screen, instead of the millions nationwide taking part in the protest, we'll see file tape of pot-smoking bongo drummers from an old Burning Man festival.
"Now that he [Bush] has been caught illegally wiretapping fellow citizens he has taken to snarling about his powers as 'a wartime president,' and so, in his own mind, he is above each and every law of the land. Oddly, no one in Congress has pointed out that he may well be a lunatic dreaming that he is another Lincoln but whatever he is or is not he is no wartime president. There is no war with any other nation...yet. There is no state called terror, an abstract noun like liar."
[...]
"One way that a majority of citizens can help open the road back to Crawford is by heeding the call of a group called the World Can't Wait. They believe that the agenda for 2006 must not be set by the Bush gang but by the people taking independent mass political action.
"On Jan. 31, the night of Bush's next State of the Union address, they have called for people in large cities and small towns all across the country to join in noisy rallies to make the demand that 'Bush Step Down' the message of the day. At 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, just as Bush starts to speak, people can make a joyful noise and figuratively drown out his address. Then on the following Saturday, Feb. 4, converge in front of the White House with the same message: Please step down and take your program with you."
-- Gore Vidal, "President Jonah," AlterNet, Jan. 28, 2006.
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